Sep 2, 2010

Town Finally Gets Handle On Cyclical Mole Problem, Now Faced With Vexing New Dilemma

As if to prove once and for all that the ever illusive "Law of unintended consequences" is in fact true, the lowly town of Lamont, never very good at addressing 'unknown situations', somehow managed to get a vexing mole infestation problem under control (what they actually did no one is quite sure! If history serves, they did nothing but now want to hog all the credit!) only to be faced with a new and somewhat embarrassing situation - the problem of vast numbers of obscenely obese cats who, by their very laziness and natural inactivity, show no signs of slimming down now that their seemingly unlimited food supply appears to be waning. This crazy mole infestation, obviously one of those 7 or 17 year things that seem to be so common in the animal kingdom, more or less ruined everyone's yard in town but provided a bounty extraordinaire for the local feline population - a feeding opportunity very similar to those bears that stand in a stream in Alaska and the salmon jump right into their open mouths!

"Well, it was touch and go there for a while, but thru our Herculean efforts we were able to beat back this scourge and thus protect our citizenry from the furry, wriggling hoards that can dig almost 5 feet per hour, 20 hours a day, for crying out loud!" (Don't the beastly little nightmares ever sleep?) said the beaming mayor while standing on a chair in the office, broom in hand, just poised to swat at anything gray, fuzzy and highly mobile. "Sure, it is an awesome responsibility when the frightened, dispirited townsfolk look to you for their ultimate protection and peace of mind, so when 1000's of subterranean troublemakers descend on the town, that is the time we have to kick into high gear, I guess. I am just so thankful that our adoring citizens just really value and appreciate our efforts so much. Just the teary-eyed, thankful looks from the hoards of Lamontazoids is enough for us. That just makes the mayoral experience that much more rewarding and helps to wash away all that outrageous slander, grudge holding, back-biting, vicious hyperbole and dismissive lack of forward orientation that naturally comes with this job (mostly from people who don't even live within the town limits!) A job well done is its own reward, after all, I guess!" he gushed, wiping away a tear! (oh, what an emotional sissy, for crying out loud! And why is he still standing on that chair?)

(Editorial Note: True to form, the town never actually took any steps whatsoever (Oh yeah, that is a big surprise! Duh!) to address this 'little mole problem' and, contrary to the Clinton-esque-like spin coming from the Office of the Mayor, it would appear that the local cat population, working from an obvious sense of civic responsibility as well as an innate desire to pounce on and devour anything small and furry that moves within their line of vision, shouldered a vast majority of the burden and almost single-handedly beat back the latest threat to the town itself - even at the risk of their own health - to say nothing of basically ruling out climbing trees, jumping on the counter and/or running more than 3-4 paces! Of course, our research indicates that the average house cat in Long Beach is right at their ideal weight and, of course, Long Beach is not subject to biblical plague-like infestations from weird rodents that burrow underground for no darn reason, either - given Long Beach's good planning and obviously superior geographic location. Oh yeah, and their citizens are nice and friendly, too. Yep, life is fair! That is just peachy! What horrid sins from our municipal past must Lamont be paying for now? Whatever it was must have been pretty darn bad - and one must assume that Long Beach has always been some kind of 'Choir Boy town' or whatever. And why can't Long Beach be in Oregon, anyway? Why do we have to even be in the same State? How are we ever supposed to compete against that?)

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