In one of those rarest of occasions where a town in the Palouse actually gets singled out for something that is not somehow related to law enforcement or an unexplained cluster of easily preventable diseases or whatever - the entire nation, in a moment of collective clarity not seen in this country since that totally awesome "Sonny and Cher TV Show" won the hearts of a people who know good music when they hear it, reached a consensus on something. Well, this great nation was, or so it would seem, able to rally around yet another point of cultural unity - at least in the case of some two-bit mayor of a town that even a fictional place like Mayberry would reject any association with!! Anyhow, (Whoa! That Mayberry reference was kind of harsh there! But hey, getting rejected by Goober and company is newsworthy, we guess!) it would appear that this great nation, a superpower of well over 300 million people from every nation on the globe, was able to rally around one salient point - to line up shoulder to shoulder behind one crystalline reality in the otherwise muddied cultural wrestling pit known as America - and to acquiesce to the fact that somehow, some way, the Lamont Mayor was indeed "the weakest link!" When asked for clarification (probably by that whining mayor! That sounds like him! Oh, what a sniveler!!), it was determined that the Lamont mayor, a man who has obviously risen well above his natural level of incompetence (which ain't saying much!) as the 'so-called' titular head of the second smallest town in a fairly small state population-wise, was not only responsible for the woes besetting a town where people hate sidewalks and seem to be shy around fire hydrants, but many if not most experts from a variety of disciplines in fact place the Lamont mayor at the very apex of all of the national problems facing this once proud land! (Editorial Note: Was there any sentence structure there whatsoever? Yikes! Can't someone send us a book on grammar or whatever. Wait, oh never mind. We are past redemption now! Hasn't anyone around here ever heard of proper punctuation - like the period or semi-colon or whatever? We almost had to take a nap after hacking our way thru that muddied (and murdered!) syntax - not to mention deciphering that less than clear reasoning, for Pete's sake! That has to be in the top 5 worst paragraphs ever written, for crying out loud! Oh, I bet every English teacher in America is gleefully clawing their eyes out right now just for the sheer relief of it!! We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to our readers for our quite unintentional massacring of the long-suffering yet thankfully resilient English Language. Thank you!)"Hey! Whoa! What the....?" stammered the obviously nationally calamitous mayor who is probably thrashing about looking for someone else to blame, knowing him! (Oh, isn't it always the same with him?) "I mean, sure, I have pretty much made a pig's breakfast out of that whole mayor thing, but you try leading that rebellious rabble kicking and screaming into the 19th century! Heck, if it weren't for Century West Engineering, we would still be rubbing two sticks together to cook up one lousy ground squirrel we somehow collectively managed to bonk on the head with a rock or whatever. But hey, I can take the hit for that hideous failure in Lamont, but to blame me for the whole doggone nation just seems a little excessive, don't you think?" whined the big sissy who obviously is in denial and cannot face up to the truly staggering failures that he has foisted on all 50 States and Puerto Rico. (Oh, just be a man already and step up to your failures, for crying out loud! Why make it worse?) "I mean, sure, there is nothing that I enjoy more than a good Elvis impersonator and, of course, I was the first one to give away pickled pig's feet as Christmas stocking stuffers - oh yeah, and I did set the trend for wearing black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals - but you cannot blame me for the rest of it! I mean, come on! That just ain't right!" rambled the borderline personality who has to separate himself from reality in order to not be buried by the collective guilt that he so justly deserves.
"Well, I am not proud of it, but I have to admit that I have been watching Lamont, you know, like a guy who watches the film of a plane crashing into a mountain over and over again - or like some dude watching a pack of wolves bring down the lone, straggling caribou in the herd or whatever" said Peter Mason, one of the only people to ever be in the Lamont Blog who actually has a normal name (Oh yeah, and he lives in Boise or some town in Idaho! What more do you need to know?) "Anyway, knowing Lamont like I unfortunately do, I would not have been surprised if that Mayor got the most national votes for "The Missing Link", but I guess "The Weakest Link" works, too! (Darn your beady little eyes, Sir!!) Heck, I don't really care! I just need to get that stupid town of Lamont out of my head! It just rattles around in there like so many marbles in a coffee can! Oh, its terrible! I just wish I could simply think all day long about that soothing, outrageously well-planned, geographically advantageous, undeniably charming Long Beach, WA! (Darn your beady little eyes again, Sir!!! Oh, why must Long Beach always be flung into our already stinging eyes like so much icy sea water?) Oh, I rue the day I ever heard about that doggone Lamont, WA!" he whimpered quite insanely! "Oh, that whole place just ain't right! Is it any wonder that I am forced to hit the sauce with such reckless abandon?" sobbed the outrageous lush who probably has a liver the size of whatever stupid county that doggone Long Beach is in!! (Knowing their luck, it is probably called "Long Beach County!" Oh yeah, life is fair! That stupid Long Beach!!! Oh, when will someone relieve me of that meddlesome vacation wonderland?)
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