Sep 2, 2010

Fictional Citizens Of Imaginary Town Sue Lamont For Potential Defamation Of Character

In a legal 'slight of hand' not seen in this country since that unfortunate OJ Simpson trial, the decidedly irate, determined, and, let's face it, fictitious citizens of Mayberry - a town that is believed to have been set in a fictional North Carolina setting, banded together and hired the imaginary lawyer from "To Kill A Mockingbird" Atticus Finch, also from a fictional North Carolina town (or one of those southern States! Who can keep track of them? Anyway, it was someplace humid and filled with snakes!), in order to save what is left of their somewhat tattered reputation given the fact that every year they are syndicated on fewer and fewer cable networks across the globe and they don't want people remembering them in conjunction with Lamont, WA - of all doggone places. (Editorial Note: Well, you can't really blame them for that!)

"Well, let's be honest here! Half the reason I hit the sauce is because every half-baked hamlet and tiny wheat town in America is trying to glom onto being Mayberry in one way or another" said Otis upon being released from the drunk tank and socking away a few of Aunt Bee's supposedly delicious blueberry pancakes. "All I got to say is get your own TV show and quit sponging off of us. You don't have to be a tea-totaling puritan to realize that you ain't got a chance to be Mayberry, so stop deluding yourselves!" he stammered boozily, probably being a little more blunt than was absolutely necessary, for Pete's sake. "Oh yeah, and Mayberry had an actual although completely make believe store where people could go to buy things (imaginary things, that is! I bet that they had to be returned after the days filming was over, however!), unlike some other little towns I could mention!" he slurred, looking right at Lamont! (Editorial Note: Dang! We hate it when someone brings that up! That checkmates us every time! Is it our fault that we are so small we cannot support a store? I mean, is being storeless really a sign of moral decrepitude or is that just a natural byproduct of the unforgiving dictates of the Capitalist system that we all say we support? Stupid Capitalists! Regardless of all of that, it just seems like a 'low blow", that's all! What a cheap shot! Can't anyone come up with something new, for crying out loud?)

"Let's just say that it is probably a good thing that I am only allowed to have one bullet in my gun at any given time!" said the steely-eyed Deputy Fife while wearing that extra-heavy belt so he could pass the weight requirements on the policeman's exam. "Because if I had a full pistol load, I have to admit that I would probably just go walking thru all those little Mayberry-wannabe wheat towns 'popping caps' into everything that moved, for Pete's sake! Get your own TV shows, you losers! And, oh yeah, it is all made up! It isn't real! It is all a product of the Hollywood propaganda factory, you imbeciles! Oh mercy, you people make Gomer look like a genius, and I never thought those words would ever cross my lips!" he said regrettably!

"Well, as those of you who ever got off of your lazy rear-ends and read the book 'To Kill A Mockingbird" know, I, Atticus Finch, have quite a reputation for righting social injustices and steering society away from those unfortunate anachronisms that we cling onto for some darn reason" said Atticus Finch, a make believe lawyer from some really great book. "So when I heard that people were referring to Lamont and Mayberry in the same breath, all of my years of being a social crusader seemed like nothing compared to the work that I now have ahead of me! Oh, talk about defamation of character! Talk about social injustice! Talk about being divorced from reality of any kind! Equating Lamont with any town besides Lamont is easily actionable in any court in this land! I demand justice! And yes, my vivacious daughter Scout agrees with me and is coming to the trial, too - and she is a real 'shin-kicker' when provoked, by the way!" he fumed in that calm, lawyerly way that he has - at least when he is played by Gregory Peck, for crying out loud. (Editorial Question: Will that whippersnapper Scout, possibly the best character in American literature in the last 1000 years, in fact be bringing her now famous "Ham costume" with her, you know, the one that saved her life when she was bushwhacked by a bunch of racist scalawags trying to prevent justice in a rural small town setting? (Mental Note To Self: Need to check the pricing on used ham costumes!) That would be really cool if she did! And does it still have that big dent in it where that maniac hit her with an ax handle or whatever, we wonder? Man, that would be awesome to see! We wonder if she would let us try it on. No, that might be asking too much! You don't want to push that kid too far, not without shin protectors, for Pete's sake!)

(Editorial Note: Special thanks goes to a friend of the Lamont Blog, a certain Cindy from one of those southern states - who was once believed to be dead but is now very much alive! Cindy's keen insights into small town living were the inspiration for this somewhat poorly written and largely incoherent article. Thank you!)

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