Sep 11, 2010

Nice Looking Town-Owned "Town Hall" Paint Job Still Drawing Sparks From Area 'Non-Resident, Non-Painting Types'

In one of those kooky corner-cases that can only happen in a place like Lamont, a sizable segment of the outlying regions of the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) are 'just fit to be tied' and 'hopping mad!' because the town owned "Dale Windsor Building" got a fancy new coat of paint for the first time in 60 years (that means the first time ever, folks!) late this Spring. This monumental paint job for such a modest-sized building required well over 35 tubes of caulk, 25+ gallons of premium primer as well as 25+ gallons of smooth flowing (yet doggone expensive!) latex paint in three cotton-pickin' colors - all in order to cover the signs of decades of neglect and vandalism in the unforgiving climes of the northern Palouse where temperatures can range from 100+ F to -20 F in the same dadburn year. The building's longevity, truly amazing given the number of sizable cracks, fissures, gaps, openings and other points of water egress, is a testament to American ingenuity and the durability of our concrete blocks and mortar back in a time when America was known for the quality of such things.

"Well, that just beats all I ever seen!" said Dodo Festoon, an area farm wife, busybody, shameless gossip and know-it-all who lives 9 miles outside the town limits. (and who has never lived within the town itself, by the way!) "Why in tarnation would a town go painting their primary structure in the first place? I mean, not only does it make almost every other building in these parts look bad now, but as any dern fool knows, once you paint you just eventually have to paint again! It is the devil's treadmill, for crying out loud! It is much more sound thinking to just let nature take its course and have the building collapse and just hope no one is inside when it happens. (okay, maybe the current mayor could be in there, but no one else!) But nooooo! That smarty-pants Lamont had to go breaking decades of tradition and go fancying up the place like them dern 'big cities' do! No wonder me and all my friends spend such a big chunk of our time attempting to undermine the efforts of the town and go spreading such inane gossip and outrageous tall tales about the place. It just ain't natural for them to go off all half-cocked and go improving things and all of that! The nerve!" screeched the appropriately named farm wife, whose voice unfortunately caused a minor stampede out at the Bodine spread 6 miles away! (the 3rd stampede this week alone!) "This is farm country, and in these parts we just let things decay, that's all! Just look around if you don't believe me!" she beamed proudly while grandly sweeping her arm out over the Festoon acreage! (Also affectionately known as - The "Pull My Finger" Ranch!)

"Well, when we ran out of 20 tubes of caulk on the first day and never even got to the windows and doors, I knew we might have let things go a little too long!" said the ever-vigilant mayor. "Sure, I have only been the mayor for 4 years and painting that poor, neglected building was on the town's 'to-do' list for at least 3 of them, but we just have to thank the good Lord that the dern thing remained standing until we could muster up enough volunteers to get the job done. Whew...! That thing had so many cracks and pin-hole openings that it just collected water like a sponge. With the freeze/thaw cycle we have here, it is a plum miracle the place wasn't reduced to dust years ago!" he said, giving a heavenward nod of appreciation and thanks. "But why a bunch of people who do not even live within the town limits care one way or another what we do with our own buildings is beyond me! I thought those people were supposedly so busy working on their ranches and farms that that is why the town was allowed to get into the sorry state of disrepair it was in the first place. But obviously they have more than enough time to meddle in things that don't actually concern them - so who knows! (Could this whole 'rural workload thing" really just be some elaborate bluff to garner sympathy? That seems less than likely given the massive allocation of man-hours spent reinforcing that perception in the first place! Hmmmm. There seems to be some discongruity here on any number of levels! Anyway! Moving right along!) There seems to be no shortage of available man-hours when the whole dern mess of 'em (the meddlesome ones, that is, not the normal ones who are probably too busy working or entertaining charming and interesting people from some far off and exotic lands like Cheney or Moses Lake, (Let's just hope it ain't Long Beach!) for crying out loud!!) feel like kicking up a contrived fuss that is totally outside of their natural scope of control - at least as far as the State Constitution defines such things. Maybe if they spent less time trying to brow-beat Lamont into remaining in the Dark Ages, they could make their farms and ranches (also known as 'spreads'!) look a little more presentable on the rare occasions that anyone wants to visit them for whatever reason, for Pete's sake. But then again, I don't really care since that is all outside of the Lamont town limits and thankfully beyond my scope of responsibility! Now if we could just convince the malcontents and hand-wringers in the far northwest corner of the County proper to do the same it would be "the best of all possible worlds", at least that is what that Candide feller was always running about saying - or I think it was that Candide guy! Dang, I need to read more!" he concluded with an air of thoughtful repose while shamelessly employing another poorly fitting and at best tangential so-called literary reference from some dead French dude who was a socialist or doggone Commie or whatever!! (Or does Voltaire live on in our hearts?)

(Editorial Note: Since tall fences make good neighbors and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then maybe if we could ever convince the forever-negative troublemakers to just stay within their own doggone fences (when they are not howling at the moon or griping about something!) we in Lamont would eventually come to miss them. And it ain't like they come to Lamont to do their shopping, either, since the Town was allowed to decline to the point that all the stores left. That is just a thought! But what do we know? We are just the stupid editors of the Lamont Blog - the Siberia of journalism - where a reporter's dreams go to die! Oh yeah, life is fair! We bet reporters in Long Beach don't have this problem! Stupid Long Beach! Always so good at everything!)

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