Sep 28, 2010

Lamont Declares New "Public Enemy Number One" - Gayle Borchard - That Doggone Long Beach City Planner!!

After years of thrashing about, throwing bombastic temper tantrums, naval gazing to the point of blindness and, of course, wailing and gnashing of teeth, the lowly Town of Lamont, having failed miserably in it's blood feud competition with the charming, well-managed and disturbingly delightful City of Long Beach, WA has decided to devote their quite considerable energies to attacking one of the key elements of Long Beach's success - the outrageously under-appreciated and darn capable City Planner of the town of Lamont's ultimate nemesis - yes, the very annoying City of Long Beach itself!! Lamont, lacking any coherent town planning effort whatsoever, cannot help but feel that the whole linchpin of their hideous and quite embarrassing defeat at the hands of a vacation wonderland nestled on the best doggone ocean in the whole dern world is, in no small part, to be laid at the feet of the one person who has been able to systematically keep all the pieces moving together into what is arguably now one well-oiled machine of municipal excellence. (Well, to be honest, compared to Lamont, that is indeed a relative statement - although Long Beach seems to have attained a stature and preeminence well beyond the decidedly embarrassing and profoundly minuscule standards set by the second smallest town in the State).

"Well, I realized that we have been barking up the wrong tree, going after the whole City of Long Beach and all" said the suddenly invigorated and perky mayor. "I mean, sure, attempting to undermine the whole City of Long Beach proved to be a dismal, humiliating failure, so it is only natural to attempt to pick off the one person who plays such a pivotal role in their doggone success! Without a coherent and effective planning function, things will just naturally begin to bog down - believe me, I am the Mayor of Lamont and we have almost 100 years of experience with this disregard for planning - so, it may take a while, but if we can somehow minimize Gayle and/or encourage her to take a job in Oregon or something, before we know it Lamont cannot help but look better in comparison. It is so doggone obvious now! Their dadburn planning function is the magic bullet that enabled some largely indistinct town that was blessed by the very Hand of the Lord with some of the best geography in the whole USA to shine so brightly in comparison to the tarnished, lackluster, decidedly underachieving hulk that is the Town of Lamont! Why didn't I think of this stupid strategy before! (picture him bonking his forehead like it was a 'V-8' moment or something!) That doggone Gayle Borchard must take a dive (and we don't mean in that beautiful, relaxing, seafood-filled Pacific Ocean, either!) in order for Lamont to ever have a chance in what we all agree is a life-long mission to reach relative parity with that doggone Long Beach!" he sniveled insanely! "Oh, it would be like the Germans in WWII somehow convincing General Eisenhower to suddenly move to Bermuda or whatever right before the D-Day invasion! Just think how differently things might have turned out then!" said the elected official who pretty much deserves to spend a decade or two in a rubber room or something! "Oh, Lamont cannot ever hope to succeed when our adversaries have such an excellent roster of human talent right at their very fingertips! We must succeed, whatever the cost - whatever the effort! We will fight them in the skies, we will fight them on the beaches, (Ah, Lamont doesn't have a beach! That is the original problem, remember?) we will fight them...." he rambled on, causing Winston Churchill to turn over in his grave with a groan tinged with pity, disgust and annoyance at being so poorly quoted by such an obvious raving lunatic! (Oh yeah, life is fair! Why does our Mayor have to be so doggone insane? Why can't Tekoa or Spangle or whatever be stricken with such overwhelming mayoral mental instability rushing headlong into the loving arms of downright certifiable lunacy, for crying out loud! Oh, why is it always us? (Or should that be 'we'? Darn English language!) Why must Lamont always be the dadburn canary in the municipal coal mine in this State? Oh, why must we always dive headlong where any normal, sane, rational town (with actual stores!!!) would fear to tread? Oh, true leadership is lonely, indeed!)


Long Beach said...

Mayor: Bring it. Long Beach

Lamont, Washington - email at said...

Darn your eyes, Long Beach! How dare you taunt us so! Remember, every dog has its day! And believe me, Lamont is pretty much the municipal equivalent of the much maligned canine (okay, we would be something small and yappy - like a wiener-dog or whatever - but still a dog!) - loyal, not very bright and yes, chocked full of sharp little teeth! (Okay, and we do tend to make little messes all over the place!) Anyway! Watch your ankles, Ms. Borchard! Oh yes, watch your ankles, indeed!

Long Beach said...

As someone recently cautioned me, Mayor: easy, eeeeasy.