Sep 5, 2010

Nation Stunned, Horrified To Learn Lamont's Only Park Is Named After The Hometown Of The Doggone Beverly Hillbillies! (sadly, this is true!)

In one of those 'not so rare' moments that leaves normal people across the globe muttering "Dang, I wish I didn't know that about Lamont!', the sad, sordid truth about the only park in the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington was unleashed on the nation when word leaked out that this said park, known locally as "Bug Tussle", was in fact a name taken from the original home of those lovable yet somewhat unpolished rapscallions of the little screen, those icons of the 1960's - the Beverly Hillbillies themselves! Although almost impossible to believe (you can't make stuff like that up, folks!) but somehow so fitting and appropriate once realized, this cute little park holds significance far outside the modest proportions that it commands in the municipality itself! "Whoa! When I first heard it, I figured it was just another misguided attempt to drag Lamont back into the Dark Ages or whatever, but then I did a quick online search and my blood just turned to ice water!" said the pole-axed mayor while looking frantically over his shoulder to see if anyone was listening. "Although I am paranoid to the extreme, I can't help but believe there is some larger conspiracy at work here - you know, kind of like the Masonic Order and their influence in America, as demonstrated by those weird symbols on the dollar bill and all of that! Could this be our Town Founding Fathers (And Mothers!! You know how dominant the women are around here! Whoa!) sending us a message over the ages - one that highlights the core beliefs of the original brain trust that was Lamont until a few short years ago? Well, that would explain the unnatural (and thankfully limited!) opposition to a new library as well as help shed light on why we are 100 years old with no public restroom and why some of the 'old timers' resent pavement and refuse to walk on sidewalks! (we won't even mention the aversion to painting!) It is all coming together now! Oh, why didn't someone let me know this 4+ years ago when I became the mayor? That would have saved me a lot of time trying to explain the unexplainable! Whew! It feels like a load has been lifted off my sagging, vulture-like shoulders! Whoever named that park obviously viewed the Beverly Hillbillies as societal role models and sent a clear message to future generations that outsiders and all of their "Big City Ways!' need not come traipsing around here lest they get a backside full of buckshot from Granny herself!" (And how many 'Granny wannabees' can one place have, anyway?) Oh, I see it all so clearly now!" he gushed with obvious relief provided by this penultimate of eureka moments!

"Well, sure, there is a vast conspiracy to keep Lamont backward, ignorant and under foot, but the whole dern world weren't supposed to find out about it!" said the peeved Brunhilde Snopes, an area farm/ranch matriarch and quite famous busybody/battle ax! "Given the genetic implications of the 'dumbest son' always inheriting the ranch and the natural dampening effect that this has after just a very few generations, it was of course in our interest to make sure Lamont remained a place we could recognize - and before we knew it, a whole secret society just blossomed up and has held sway ever since. Yeah, instead of a secret handshake we used "Pull my finger" and instead of elaborate initiation rituals and varying degrees of membership we substituted cow ownership, but basically we did in fact follow the wise dictates of other secret societies. And when we needed a lasting role model and archetype that symbolized the very foundations of our way of life and Luddite-like world view, who was better than the Beverly Hillbillies to carry our banner - especially since Jethro Bodine from the TV show is first cousin to the quite prodigious (yet underachieving!) Bodine clan out in these parts! It just seemed like a good fit, that's all" she said proudly through a winning "Jack-o-lantern' like smile...

(Editorial Note: You decide, folks. Lamont's only park is named "Bug Tussle" and the original home where these said "Beverly Hillbillies" came from - you know, where Uncle Jed went looking for some food, and up from the ground came a bubbling crude - black gold, Texas tea, and all of that - that place is, unfortunately, named Bug Tussle, too. Coincidence? We leave that to our readers to decide! Thank you! And remember folks, the Lamont Blog is largely a parody, so before you go getting all riled up and go get a snout full of Granny's "Rhumatiz Medicine!" (or liquid courage!) and want to get angry and nasty at us, (for no darn reason!) just realize that there is no fun like good clean fun and that this is in fact America (we think) - so stop taking yourselves so seriously and go take a dip in the cement pond!. And similarities between this story and real, actual citizens of the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) are purely coincidental!! - (or are they?) That is for you to decide! But that is our story and we are sticking to it!)

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