Jan 1, 2011

Area Cat Can't Believe Stupid Owner Would Ever Allow Him To Go Outside 'In Weather Like This'!

An area cat, Gordo, age 6, had to fight back feelings of inter-species betrayal and feline incredulity (never an emotion in short supply when cats are around!) when his owner (if such a term can ever be used for the somewhat tenuous 'Man/Cat' relationship) - you know, that guy who knows how to use the can opener and all - held the back door open for what seemed like some arctic eternity, insanely mumbling the words "You want to go out, Kitty? You want to go out?", as all the dadburn heat from the roaring fireplace was sucked wastefully into the great outdoors where it won't do man or beast a lick of good!. Gordo, an adventurous cat of undetermined (some might say suspect!) parentage, prides himself on never being a stranger to the odd excursion to the wood pile or some spontaneous hunting expedition out in the garden, but who is no fool either, and thus prefers to venture outside to smell stuff and make little cat piles when the mercury hovers somewhere in the positive digits - not some doggone below-zero nightmare scenario!

"Well, I had gotten up on the Sabbath and my cats were all patiently waiting for me in the kitchen, staring at me expectantly as I fumbled to make the morning coffee" said the quite insensitive 'cat owner', assuming he didn't just forfeit that title after his outrageous display of weather-related bad decision-making! "Anyway, when I turned back around, task complete, the darn cats were still there, although their somewhat insistent stares seemed to have increased in ominous intensity somehow!" he said wearily while hastily crossing himself and throwing salt over his shoulder for good measure! "So, I opened up a can of their favorite 'Kozy Kitten' that they proceeded to set upon like a pack of lions on the fresh carcass of a water buffalo or whatever, and when they were done (and after knocking about half the moist delicacy onto the dadburn kitchen carpet!) Gordo, as is his nature, went and stood by the back door, you know, that universal signal for wanting to be let out! How was I to know this was some elaborate 'loyalty test' that would later serve to undermine my perceived fitness as not only a cat owner, which might be understandable, but also as a halfway decent human being itself?" he said dejectedly, fighting back a mixture of shame and disbelief at the seeming unfairness of it all!! "Oh, and the looks of disgust I am getting from all three of the cats now! It would chill your blood and break your heart! Okay, I am sorry I didn't check the temperature before opening the door! I had just woken up and hadn't even had my coffee yet - and besides, the dadburned thermometer is on the back porch, for Pete's sake!!" he sniveled pathetically like some naughty school boy cowering in the Principal's office for some grievous (and repeated!) act of anti-social behavior, yet still showing a stubborn unwillingness and/or disturbing inability to take responsibility for his shocking levels of myopic insensitivity! (Oh, be a man already and face up to your unsettling and quite extensive shortcomings, for Pete's sake!!)

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog have no choice but to side with the cat here. Although the statistically solid "Farmer's Almanac" predicted a decidedly 'warmer and wetter' winter, and that prediction has largely held up to local scrutiny, there have been periods of intense cold, like today, for instance, when it was the obscenely obnoxious "minus 2 degrees F', and thus any responsible human pet owner, given our supposed place at the top of the global 'food chain' and having all that so-called 'reasoning power', should have been able to recognize this quite significant variation from the greater weather pattern itself and adapted accordingly, that's all! Is that really too much to ask? I mean, come on! Thank you!)

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