In a clash of cultures not seen in this country since that obnoxious "Urban Cowboy" fad confronted the late 1970's with all its bad hair and man-made, brightly colored fibers, an area Mayor drew the ultimate 'line in the sand' after Festus Festoon, age 63, voiced opinions so far outside of the American mainstream that the Mayor had no choice but to confront the issue head on with the full authority granted him by the Great State of Washington. "I don't care what anyone says! I just don't care! But I never have and never will eat at Taco Bell! Taco Bell stinks!" said Festus before cowering after seeing the Mayor puff up like an adder in a cage full of kangaroo rats. "Darn your eyes, sir! How dare you utter such blasphemy!" bellowed the Mayor as he threw himself on the unfortunate wretch and wrapped his vise-like hands on Festus' turkey-like neck. "Ahhh. Ahhh! Get off of me, you maniac! I can't breathe!" bellowed Festus as the Mayor attempted a time-tested (yet embarrassingly unsuccessful!) citizen's arrest while clumsily botching the tricky 'full-Nelson' wrestling (pronounced 'rassling'!) hold which, thankfully for Festus, slid harmlessly off of his vulture-like shoulders. "Take it back! Take it back, I say! Say you love those outrageously delicious 'Burrito Supremes' and those totally awesome 'Nachos Belle Grande"! Say it so everyone can hear, darn you!" screeched the Mayor thru gritted teeth before shrieking in horror (like a girl!) as Festus' toupee came off in his free hand after successfully engaging the aging un-American agitator in an ever-handy (and considerably less technically difficult!) standard headlock! "GAAHH! What the....?" screamed the Mayor as he unsuccessfully attempted to shake the fake hairpiece free which, unfortunately for him, had somehow become entangled in the band of his watch. "Help! Help! Get it off me! Oh, for the love of all that is good in this world, get that horrible thing off of me!" said the panicked Mayor while wildly swinging his arm above his head in a vain attempt to rid his person of the surprisingly real-looking 'vanity-hat'. "Give that back! Stop it! You are getting it all messed up! It cost me almost $200.00! (Editorial Note: In fact, it was only $14.00 at a Spokane area pawnshop - and worth every cent!) Be careful! That's my hair!" said the suddenly brave yet still gasping Festus with the determination of the truly desperate. "Help! Help! Oh, what is that thing? Help! Get that horrible monstrosity off of me! Oh, the horror!" sobbed the psychologically traumatized Mayor who, unable to rid himself of the ghastly furred menace, collapsed into a heap of blubbering insensibility. "Don't hurt it! Don't hurt it! I have a date tonight with the 'Widow Bodine!" pleaded the sniveling Festus while reaching for the prized yet somehow depressing 'head ornament'. "Oh the humanity! The "Widow Bodine" is dating again? Oh, that is just so wrong! Has the whole world gone mad?" mumbled the Mayor before passing out cold from fright and social confusion.Well, after the two combatants were finally separated and the above referenced 'hairpiece' was returned undamaged to its much-relieved yet somewhat sheepish owner (who immediately yet inexpertly put it back on!) and the Mayor was properly sedated and rolled into the Town Hall on the only office chair with wheels - both sides agreed to deny that this altercation ever took place as the Mayor entered therapy due to a sudden fear of small, furry things and Festus agreed to be more open to foods that don't require ketchup.
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