A local farmer/rancher, Bubba Bodine, has been gripped with 'crushing insomnia' and the 'night sweats' after his loving yet outrageously passive-aggressive wife, Melba, brought home the movie 'Teen Wolf' that tragically combined all of the elements that form the gumbo of her husband's most long-nurtured fears - shape-shifting man-eaters, coyote/wolf references, really short Canadians, poor plot development and almost unbelievably bad acting. "Oh, darn her cold, conniving eyes!" bellowed Bubba while shaking his fist at their wedding photo resting on the mantle of the fake fireplace in their single-wide trailer. "I have given that woman the best years of my life, and this is how she repays me? I could have married any one of those girls in our high school graduation class (all three of them!) - but I chose her! What was I thinking? (Editorial Note: Maybe it had something to do with her huge, quite angry father and staring down the business end of that double-barreled shotgun! But what do we know?) Anyway, I knew something was amiss when she so casually slid the movie in the VCR and then gingerly sauntered into the other room with due dispatch. I knew right then that those unholy chuckles and hardly restrained snickers emanating from the kitchen were portents of ill-fortune and that I was the likely victim of some cruel, inhuman ruse! And, sure enough, before I knew it, hair and fangs were sprouting out all over the place and an entire high school was up in arms with fear and bloodshed! Oh, the horror! I was paralyzed! My fear, never far under the surface, was so all encompassing that it prevented me from even moving from the couch! (In retrospect, thank goodness it is still covered with that highly fashionable yet 'easy to clean' plastic coating!). Since then I have not slept a wink for fear of impending doom while the wife sleeps the slumber of the smug and content. Darn that woman!!!! I married a she-devil! Oh, what did I do?" he whined."Oh, for Pete's sake! What is it now?" sighed the exasperated Melba while sitting at the kitchen table plotting her next move to psychologically unhinge her less than stable husband after what is just the latest skirmish in the ongoing war of dominance in the Bodine household proved so doggone successful. "I mean, isn't it bad enough that we had to sleep with a nightlight on until well after our third child was born? (that would make it about 12 years if we at the Lamont Blog did the math right!) And how many times have I had to drop what I was doing because my husband thought he saw coyote tracks out by the cows and came sprinting back to the house for moral and physical support, for goodness sake? If a man is that terrified of coyotes, maybe he should not become a rancher in the first place. HELLO!!!" she said while rolling her eyes towards the ceiling with amazed disgust. "Sure, I got that movie in the vain attempt to toughen him up so he could somehow overcome that totally irrational fear he has for wolves and coyotes and, of course, those pesky Canadians (The Lamont Blog has to side with Bubba here, at least on this last point! Canada! That whole country is just somehow wrong! So much like America yet so different!), but how was I to know he would lock up like that and become paralyzed with fear. I mean, I knew he was somewhat easily spooked, but even I would not have been able to predict that totally disproportionate response to a teenie-bopper werewolf movie that even had basketball in it, for Pete's sake! (Sadly, that whole basketball/werewolf thing is indeed true!) And to think that out of matrimonial concern I was going easy on him! He should thank me for putting "The American Werewolf in London" back at the last minute! And he just better be glad I insisted on leaving that plastic covering on the furniture, in spite of what his mother always says! (Sadly, it would appear that his over-protective mother is the root cause of many of these rather odd and irrational phobias!) I am just getting too old to go cleaning up after another person! Raising 5 kids pretty much knocked that desire out of me once and for all, doggone it." she said. "And I sure ain't going to go cleaning up after a grown man that is scared of that shrimpy yet surprisingly charming Canadian, Michael J. Fox...! That has to fall outside of any interpretation of the modern-day marriage contract! I know my rights! I watch 'Judge Judy' darn near every day!" said the local legal scholar. "And maybe my daddy should have left well enough alone after that very brief indiscretion in an otherwise endless sea of devout chastity during my turbulent formative years! (Note: Key word in that sentence is 'brief'!) Oh, I just don't know! she sobbed.
No comments:
Post a Comment