Jan 17, 2010

Shocking Development: Area "Redneck" Befriends Local "Nerd"

In yet another bone-chilling indication that the 'End Times' are upon us; the very foundation of the culture of the Palouse was shaken to its core after it was learned that Jethro Festoon, an area redneck, was seen 'hanging out with' and 'talking to' a well known local geek and math-nerd, Thurston Peabody III, over the last several weeks. This unlikely pair, separated by the previously assumed insurmountable hurdles of basic math knowledge and innate hunting ability (don't forget appreciation for the fine art of taxidermy!), seems to be a prime indicator that this world has indeed lost all sense of balance and propriety and that the human race as a whole is on the verge of a global collapse not seen since the last ice age. This disjointed duo, although lacking almost any conceivable areas of commonality, seems to 'actually like each other' and have even mentioned each other to their horrified (although distinctly separate, thank goodness!) friends. Jethro, the 4th son (out of 7!) of an area farmer/rancher family, successfully gutted his first deer at age 3 while that unbelievable nerd, Thurston, once passed out cold when the "Outback Steakhouse" somehow goofed up his steak order and served it medium rare by mistake, thus causing a sudden blood pressure drop that resulted in quite a scene for the unfortunate fellow diners. As if this disunity is not bad enough, the local geek, Thurston, has every intention of going to college to study Physics or Engineering, while the 'good old boy', Jethro, hates math because there are just 'too many numbers"! (Editorial Note: Oh, please tell me that he DID NOT just say THAT!)

"Oh, this is a dadburn joke, right?" bellowed the stunned Bubba Bodine, 52, dumbest son of the somewhat disreputable Bodine farmer/rancher clan and thus the one destined to take over the ranch when the 'old man' retires. "I need to smack some sense into that Festoon boy! That's treason! What is next - him reading books and watching the History Channel without someone making him at gunpoint?" bellowed the outraged alpha-redneck before spitting out a surprisingly large wad of chewing tobacco that ironically landed on the tip of his own shoe. "That is how them nerds will take over the whole doggone world - one dumb, innocent, tradition-bound farm kid at a time! Next thing you know Jethro will want to finish high school, leave the ranch and maybe get a job at the Grange or a company in Spokane or something! How are we ever going to maintain our archaic way of life if the very social bonds that keep our 'young `uns' hog-tied to the land are laid bare and the 'outside world' is shamelessly promoted by some guy that knows how to use a dadburn scientific calculator, for crying out loud! That is just wrong!" he screamed before succumbing to a coughing fit caused by inhaling too much grain dust during the last harvest season. "Maybe me and 'the boys' need to go have ourselves a chat with that nerd! Sometimes a man has to take matters into his own hands for the good of society, for Pete's sake!"

For his part, the nerd's family moved to Lamont to 'enjoy the peaceful life' and have high hopes for their only son (isn't one enough!). "Well, we are very proud of Thurston" said his beaming mother. (The nerd also goes by the loving nickname 'Copernicus' of all things - whatever that signifies!) "His father and I are very happy that he is able to branch out in regard to his collection of friends and those interpersonal experiences with people so radically different from himself will really help him when he goes to college and is required to interact with people from cultures from across the globe. And we like that Jethro boy. He is kind of quiet and socially awkward but seems like a really nice kid. I just wish he would not wear those awful 'wife beater' shirts so often. (that's all he owns!) Maybe I'll buy him a nice flannel shirt or something for his birthday. I wonder if he would wear it?" said the sweet woman before going back inside to begin preparing a well-balanced dinner (that means there will actually be vegetables on the table - which in-and-of itself is a major social 'faux pas' in these parts!) before her husband gets home from his high-tech job in Spokane where math, quite suspiciously, is used on a regular (if not daily!) basis.

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