Jan 10, 2010

Area "Little Sister" Drives Long-Suffering Older Sister "To Brink Of Hysteria" During Festive Holiday Gathering (Another Shockingly True Lamont Tale!)

In a shockingly brazen violation of almost every known aspect of the time-tested 'sacred bond of sisterhood' itself, an area woman, Erika X (not her real name), unleashed a 'Pandora's Box' of irrational fears and foolish phobias on her unsuspecting and naively trusting older sister when Erika, quite wickedly, placed approximately ten (10) crickets inside a seemingly innocuous Christmas present (filled with stained glass pieces or something!) and made sure everyone had the cameras at the ready when the "Trojan Horse-like' gift was finally opened by the excited and glowing (let's don't forget 'forgiving'!) older sister on that fateful Christmas morning, 2009. The unfortunate crickets, just minding their own business in a local pet store or something as they passed their seemingly uneventful lives waiting to be eaten by some creepy loner guy's snake or lizard or whatever, were a convenient and handy "winter substitute' for the real source of the older sister's persistent and near-paralyzing neurotic obsession - the common, everyday grasshopper (Oh man! Grasshoppers? That really is nuts! We at the Lamont Blog have to side with the younger sister on the basis of this fact alone!) - a supposedly harmless plant-eater that has instilled fear into the older sister since she was - well - 'knee high to a grasshopper'. (you can't make this stuff up, folks!)

"Well, my sister was and is a number of years older than I am, which used to bother me when I was a kid but now is a source of continual joy and happiness for me as I feel obligated to remind her of this fact on an almost weekly basis now" said the loving younger sister, Erika, age 30-something. "Well, you know the whole story - the bossy older sister who was allowed to date (sadly, mainly with complete and total losers!!) and was able to drive and wear make-up and all of that. So, being young and without the usual bonds of restraint that make family life somewhat tolerable and that normally helps to hinder and oftentimes even prevent actual bloodshed, I felt like she was too big for her britches and I decided to take her down a peg or two. (A peg or two? Good gravy! I shudder to even think of three pegs, for Pete's sake!) (Mental note to self: I need to be nicer to my sisters!) Knowing of her irrational fear of grasshoppers, I whiled away about a week of my largely misspent youth and gathered every one of the critters I could find in anticipation of the perfect 'moment of opportunity" she said excitedly! "Well, it was after her first real date with a guy whose knuckles didn't actually drag on the ground - and she got home a little late - just as happy as Cinderella or whatever. Needless to say she was totally sacked out at 6:00 AM sharp when I sneaked into her room in classic 'commando-like fashion', unloaded a surprisingly full coffee can of the writhing, multi-hued grasshoppers (who would have guessed there were so many kinds of grasshoppers in Eastern Washington! What bio-diversity!) under her blanket and made my way out into the hallway literally panting with anticipation" said the smiling sadistic sibling. "Before I could even get to the 'third Mississippi' there proceeded forth a blood-curdling scream of such epic proportions that it would have even made Dracula blush, and out comes my sufficiently humbled older sister, batting at her hair like it was on fire or something. Talk about GREAT!!! What perfection! Sadly, rather than continue down the hall and into the front yard where the neighbors could finally witness what I had to put up with on a daily basis, she paused just long enough to latch her talon-like claws on my still-tender neck and began to shake me like a rag doll. She always was one for overly dramatic displays of emotionalism!" she said disgustedly. "Anyway, once my poor mother was finally able to pry the 'she-devil' off of my loudly protesting windpipe and restore order, I knew right then that this wasn't over. Oh no!" she chuckled evilly - almost 25 years later! (What willpower!) "All good things come to those who wait!" she concluded gleefully before bellowing out an amazingly authentic BRUUUHAHAHAHA last heard (with that degree of heart-felt gusto and verve!) in the 1932 version of the hit movie 'Frankenstein'.

(Editorial Note: The staff at the Lamont Blog appreciates a good prank as much as the next largely disreputable small town news organ, but this seems to have taken shockingly sadistic sibling rivalry to a level that even we cannot endorse - although there is $20 bucks in there for anyone who happened to catch either episode on video tape!!)

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