An eerie calm descended over the somewhat turbulent and discombobulated nation's capitol after millions of readers were able to transport themselves across the continent and back in time after one of the Lamont Blog's so-called competitors (if you call that competition! HA!), the Washington Post, ran a decidedly calming and almost supernaturally soothing picture of the Lamont Town sign with the world famous "Lamont Grain Growers" in the background. The picture, taken by one of the rare lawyers in DC with an obvious abundance of common sense (not to mention good taste!), in addition to taking the edge off of the nation's burdens of obviously under-appreciated global leadership, also highlighted Lamont's unique census tally methodology. "Well, I had every intention of invading Canada that day, but after seeing that very relaxing and calming photo of one of the most under-appreciated towns in North America, I decided to "give peace a chance'! said an unnamed 4-Star General from some secret bunker under the Pentagon. "If it wasn't for kicking tail on unsuspecting countries that don't pay the proper respect to the 'Stars and Stripes', I would be pretty much out of a job!" he said while chomping on one of the soggiest cigar stubs in the history of the American Armed Forces. "But once that picture of Lamont sufficiently blunted my warrior instincts, I began to see that Canada has a lot more in common with us than say - France or Belgium. So, maybe after lunch I'll redirect my obviously abundant energies in that direction. Who knows? Any country that eats snails needs a good boot to the pants as far as I am concerned! Right now all I want to do is put my feet on my desk, (made from the wood from some captured Japanese aircraft carrier or something) close my eyes and 'smell the manure', as they say. Looking at the Town of Lamont is a lot better than that 'anger management' therapist I have been seeing - and a lot cheaper for the taxpayers, too! Thank goodness that this great nation still has towns like Lamont! That really gives me something I feel good about defending!" (certainly as compared to those other 'neighboring small towns' that the Lamont Blog could mention - namely in Lincoln and Adams County!) said the now-pacified general while gazing lovingly at an overly large framed painting of Napoleon himself!"What? We were in the paper?" said the Mayor with that all-too familiar look of ox-like confusion. "In Washington DC?" I just hope that no one from the IRS saw it! Or one of those organizations that like to do audits because 'they are fun!" That would be cool, however, if some 'big shot' from the USDA-RD or whatever happened across it and was so calmed and soothed that they called a special meeting or something to see how they could funnel monies into the second smallest Town in a relatively lightly populated State! You know, maybe one of those huge bureaucracies can give Lamont a grant so that we can put in a bathroom in the Town Hall or whatever! That would be sweet! Stranger things have happened, especially in the ever-crazy Town of Lamont!" said the humble public servant well known throughout the Palouse for having one of the most limited bladder capacities on record! "Anyway! As long as stories about Lamont do not somehow involve Law Enforcement, then I am happy, I guess!"
(Editorial Note: Although the Lamont Blog and the Washington Post have been bitter competitors for years, we would like to thank them for grasping the needs of this great nation and giving the entire country hope by so prominently featuring the small yet scrappy Town of Lamont! Maybe we can bury the hatchet after all - and the Lamont Blog can drop their plans for that 'hostile takeover' of one of the country's most prestigious newspapers since, at least for now, they seem to be making at least an honest effort at reporting the 'important news', for Pete's sake!)
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