Jan 6, 2010

Town Boldly Enters 19th Century With "Next Generation Of Restroom Technology" For Lamont Town Hall

In a bold move to dramatically increase the Lamont Town Hall experience for our various employees (okay, we only have one part-timer, doggone it!) and primitive architecture buffs alike, the ever resourceful yet obviously modest Town of Lamont displayed their latest solution to the age old problem of having Town fathers who would build a building designed to last 60+ years but not include a bathroom because they were too darn cheap! (They should be flogged! Flogged, I SAY!!!) The latest innovation, designed to overcome an unfortunate yet persistent situation that impacts every human on planet Earth, (especially those in the coffee friendly nations of the world!) - most cleverly integrates a spare closet, a sign that somehow 'accidentally' fell off a bathroom door in Spokane and contrary to the very laws of physics somehow 'found its own way' into the trunk of the Mayor's car in the murky, moonless darkness (It was awfully windy that day! It really was! Whew, the wind! Never seen the like!) - and, most amazingly, a genuine (pronounced "gen-u-wine") Japanese chamber pot once used as a really ugly ashtray in a biker bar or something and purchased for the somewhat inflated price of $4.00 (after rejecting the much more reasonable offer of $3.50 at least 10 times, the no good wretches!) at an area antique shop. (more like 'Den of Thieves'!)

"Well, Lamont has always been known as a Town well ahead of our own time, at least in our own minds - such as they are, so bringing actual restroom facilities to the Town Hall is just about as exciting as it gets around here!" stammered the Mayor who oftentimes goes by the very hip and modern-sounding rapper-like initials "B.B.". (Don't be fooled! It stands for 'baby bladder'!). "You just don't know what a relief it is to be able to drink coffee again! Sure, small town government is so fast-paced and exciting a person really doesn't need coffee - I mean, who could dream of a better, more exciting, lavishly appreciated, ultimately rewarding job than being a small town mayor - but a nice cup of coffee every now and again is just like a cherry on top of some huge ice cream thing or whatever" he said, losing track of a seemingly poorly chosen and ill-fitting analogy. "If I had a dollar for every time I fantasized about stomping 'the tar' out of whoever would build a long-term strategic asset and not put in a dadburn restroom, I would be able to make that trip to Dollywood I have been dreaming about. But now that we have 'modern facilities' a lot of that long simmering resentment and anger can hopefully begin to fade away! (Not likely! Some wounds are just too deep to ever heal!) Sure, Towns like Lamont only get to be the way that Lamont was just a few short years back if there was a dominant culture of all encompassing, mind-boggling, near-paralyzing inertia and a startlingly complete and total lack of detail orientation and forethought like was manifestly demonstrated by the almost unbelievable bathroom-less Lamont Town building - (darn their eyes, the no good cheapskates!) but someone has to put a stop to the blatant insanity at some point and that, I feel, is what we have tried to do here! I am just so tickled pink!!! (he almost said 'tinkled'! Talk about a one track mind!)" gushed the Mayor who no longer has to pace back and forth like a caged lion before struggling home every half hour or so (oftentimes having to resort to dragging one leg thru the snow with a ghoulish grimace of pained restraint on his pinched-up face!) to 'check on the cats!' or whatever lame excuse he comes up with that day! (Like we don't know!) "Sure, we have a planning grant now (thank you CDBG, Dept of Commerce and Century West Engineering!) to bring modern facilities to Lamont, but that will take some time to get thru the planning and until construction is complete (assuming we get funding!), so some interim step just seemed appropriate, especially since it can drop to right around twenty degrees below zero in January in the Palouse and I was never very fond of being forced to 'sing soprano' out behind the fire truck when the north wind was howling like a banshee!" he said, realizing that he should have stopped talking several long minutes ago and wishing he could take that last sentence back or somehow make excuses to minimize his obviously crystal clear description of previous 'less-than-socially-acceptable' activities! (Desperate times require desperate measures, doggone it!!!)

(Editorial Note: Special thanks goes to a person (referenced at the Lamont Blog before!) who came up with this 'interim solution' in the first place but asked not to be named for some strange reason. (chicken!) We do, however, appreciate her (yes, it is a her!) creative problem solving skills (on any number of levels!) and that is why we like to employ her services from time to time to help us overcome a problem set that can only be found in the shockingly archaic yet so sweetly humble Town of Lamont! Plus, the firetruck part was made up for dramatic effect! Really, it was! How could you even think otherwise? The nerve!)

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