Apr 18, 2010

Miracle On Spokane Street! Area Flowers Somehow Avoid Lawnmower For 2nd Straight Year!

In a bold move that gives added credence (like we needed it!) to the Lord's active hand in the affairs of all living things, an area tulip plant or bush or whatever the heck they are somehow managed to produce their once-a-year flowers 2 years in a row in spite of the fact that the owner of the property where they unfortunately reside is, by all accounts, 'lawnmower happy' and enjoys nothing more than making everything in his yard exactly the same height, regardless of its potential to bring enjoyment into the largely color-starved 2nd smallest Town in the State. (no wonder his gardens are such chronic failures!) The tulips, sporting a somewhat rare purple hue (for Lamont, anyway!), are nestled between the deck (that needs painting - and not brown or gray, either!) and some big tree that is either an elm or an oak or something and, so situated, escaped detection and thus destruction several years running - thus proving to be no small source of frustration and angst to the current property owner, Elmer Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher who has some weird obsession with things of differing heights.

"What the....! Dang it all! When will this madness stop? Go fetch me that dadburn lawnmower, Thelma! And hurry!!!" bellowed the suddenly energized Elmer after finally spotting the offending flora while venturing into the backyard to pick up a quite extensive array of 'doggy-doo". "Seems like every time I turn around some doggone plant is trying to disrupt my artificially construed and shockingly anal-retentive environment! I'll fix his dadburn wagon, for Pete's sake!" he fumed while wondering what in tarnation was taking his wife, Thelma, age 53, so dern long to 'snap to'!! (His daddy never had that problem with momma, bless her heart!) "I am a man that believes in immediate action, dadburn it! If I were to let those doggone flowers linger here, next thing you know every stinking weed and bush in Town would think it was open season on the Bodine place! No sir! Desperate times require desperate measures! What farmer/rancher worth his salt would sit idly by and let nature impose her smothering ways on them? Those darn flowers have vexed me for the last time! Now its personal! It's war, I say! Thelma, fetch me the shovel while you are at it! Thelma? Thelma? THELMA!!!!"

Thankfully for the tulips, Thelma became suddenly distracted by some sappy story about 'out of body experiences and lost loved ones' on Oprah and had no intention of responding to her ridiculous yet demanding husband until the long awaited riveting segment was done, probably after the next commercial break. Elmer, never one to start or finish something without help, became momentarily distracted by a potential gopher hole over by the apple tree (which was a false alarm - just the beginnings of a new dog hole which caused another problem because of that whole 'equal height' thing - only in reverse!) - thus giving the unfortunate tulips a brief reprieve that could possibly stretch until the next mowing the following weekend - thus giving the feisty flowers enough time to store up sufficient energy in their beleaguered bulbs to make yet another brief yet under appreciated appearance next year, Lord willing, that is!

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