Apr 2, 2010

Local Cheapskate Farmer/Rancher Celebrates 40th Anniversary Of Not Actually Buying Table Salt

In a rare testament to frugality and thriftiness seldom seen in this country (or anywhere!) in the last 200 years, an area farmer/rancher, Festus Bodine, age 58, once again proved that he is master of his own alternative universe by successfully completing another year without bowing down to the oppressive pressure of society itself and buckling under in order to fork over $.99 for an extra large container of sodium chloride - also known in some uninformed circles as common table salt. "Well, half the fun of being a farmer/rancher is developing strange and unusual rituals that pit basic common sense against the sheer willpower of a man who decides to do something for no particular reason without consideration to the repercussions to himself or those around him!" said Festus while puffing out his chest and hooking one thumb in his unpleasantly malodorous overalls. "I mean, why in tarnation would I go buying that dern fancy table salt when I already have a 50 pound block of the stuff sitting right out there in the barn? That just don't make no sense!" he fumed indignantly!

"And what is good enough for my cows is sure good enough for my doggone wife and kids, now ain't it? Sure, there is that extra step of scraping off that cantankerous layer of bovine slobber each and every time me or the wife wants to add a little flavor to our food, but that is a small price to pay for living foot-loose and fancy free in the good old USA! And a little cow slobber never hurt a thing, now did it?" he said proudly. "Dang it, man! That is why this country is going to hell in a hand basket - all that waste on things that a person just don't need. Sure, people think we are weird because we brush our teeth with ground up charcoal, too - but we got gobs of the stuff from our wood burning stove - so why let it go to waste? And everyone knows that toothpaste is one of them 'Commie-lover' inventions, anyway! And it's perfectly good charcoal - and like the Good Book says "Waste not, want not", don't it? (Does it?) And besides, that dern saltlick salt don't seem to have hurt the kids none, neither. Sure, they just stand around all day chewing gum, making funny noises and staring blankly off into space just like the herd, but that is pretty much par for the course with kids now-a-days, ain't it? (and, by the way, imitation is the highest form of flattery - or so they say!) And they certainly never had any problems putting on and retaining weight! So what is the big deal all about, anyway? Sure, those unsightly goiters from a basic lack of iodine (a common additive to that doggone fancy 'store bought' table salt!) are kind of unfortunate, but that just serves to make them kids unique! There is just too much conformity to them doggone cultural norms these days, if you ask me! It's really killing this dadburn country!" he said with only a tinge of madness in his otherwise expressionless face.

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