Apr 24, 2010

Local Wife Gives Hapless Husband Palouse-Sized 'Verbal Smack Down'!

In a matrimonial tussle that had every male within 30 miles cringing in stunned horror, a local housewife, Mabel Snopes, age 33, pretty much 'laid the lumber' on her hapless and obviously un-battle-worthy husband, Festus Snopes III, age 35, an area farmer/rancher, after the offending Festus, having blatantly ignored several supposedly clear warnings, not only lacked due diligence in taking out the garbage, but even failed to accomplish a precursor to that task - something vaguely referred to as "getting up off of his dead rear-end!!', insiders report. Festus, well known across the Palouse as 'less than a self-starter', has a long history of getting 'taken to the woodshed' by his loving yet obviously not conflict-averse wife - but this drastic step normally only happens after the wife's 2nd reasonable request is either not acknowledged at all, or Festus demonstrates behavior that can be deemed by reasonable third parties as either active or passive resistance of any kind.

"Oh, it was horrible!" said Buster Bodine, 53, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, the poor guy had finally got comfortable on the couch after several hours of trying to find just the right spot, and in sweeps that Mabel acting all 'Queen Elizabeth' or whatever, ordering him to do this thing and that thing. Sadly, the weather has been warm and their windows were open so me and, more importantly, the doggone wife could hear the whole thing, and I could not help but think that this was setting a bad precedent for matrimonial harmony across all of Northwest Whitman County!" he said sadly, fearfully looking over his shoulder to make sure his wife was not listening. "As the battle began in earnest and before Festus was reduced to a pathetic, blathering, stuttering idiot by his wife's truly terrifying and somewhat well-reasoned onslaught, I could not help but attempt to send him desperate mental telepathy messages with such potential gems as "Hey Mabel, are your legs broken?" and/or "Hey sweetie, I bring home the bacon, the least you can do is take out the trash!" (Editorial Note: In fact, Mabel actually makes more money than her husband, although she would deny this fact if asked directly!). Anyway, all Festus could manage were a few incoherent sentence fragments (spoken in a high, squeaky voice, no less!) and some ineffectual arm waving - but the battle was over just about as soon as it started. Oh, it was so disappointing!" he said sadly. "And my wife has been giving me the 'stink eye' ever since, as if she is just challenging me to step out of line in even the smallest way! That darn Festus! His crushing defeat places every husband in imminent peril for miles around, doggone it!" he bellowed quietly so as not to draw attention from his eagle-eared wife of 23 years.

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