Apr 10, 2010

Town Inadvertently Saves Entire Planet After Space Invaders Make Harrowing "First Contact" In The Lowly (Yet Scrappy!) Town Of Lamont

In a clash of cultures so profound and startling that the very future of human society teetered in the balance, the drowsy, shockingly underachieving and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont became the focal point for an intergalactic power struggle between a bossy, narcissistic, and domineering race of aliens from somewhere or another (who really cares, anyway?) and the much-valued yet often annoying human society that we all know and love. The cranky aliens appear to be on a mission to stomp out all intelligent life in the Universe because they are basically insecure, mean-spirited, and had really overbearing mothers or something and thus have a stated goal of visiting all potential life bearing planets they come across in order to destroy any and all intelligent life forms, although, much to their credit, they leave the more unsophisticated and underdeveloped cultures in place so they can have someone to make fun of and tease in order to make themselves feel better and somehow more cool. (Editorial Note: What is this, intergalactic High School or something, for Pete's sake?) As Fate would have it (more like Divine Intervention!), the alien commander, after closing his eyes (all 6 of them!) and spinning around three times fast - then proceeded to put what one would assume was one of his 'fingers' on the map of the Earth and ended up pinpointing the perpetually picked upon and shamelessly singled out (Oh, why is it always us!) Town of Lamont as the test case to determine if there was indeed intelligent life on this new found world, and if so, then they could try out all their new toys and weapons and gadgets or whatever on us! (Editorial Note: It would appear that men are, indeed, all the same, after all - as women have been harping on about for centuries - regardless of what galaxy they come from! (I hate it when they are right!) But hey, who among us doesn't like to blow stuff up from time to time, for Pete's sake? I mean, come on!)

"Well, I was on the phone talking to my sister about my new bunions when, out of the blue, this big fancy space craft looking thing just dropped out of the sky!" said Erma Snopes, 56, the Town's premier non-stop talker. "Well, those quacks that pass for doctors on this planet certainly don't have all the answers, so I marched right up to the first creature to come down the stairs and shoved my foot in what I think was his face and began to ask him what he could do about my nagging bunion problem. So, after explaining to him that I had those dadburn bunions because I went to my niece's wedding in new shoes, although she should have thought about getting married before she had 2 children by that stupid man (with one on the way!) and how I could not believe that they served a carrot cake at a wedding even though they did actually brew coffee instead of just providing instant like is much more common at weddings in the Palouse and how I will never serve my husband beans and ham again before a social gathering because of that unfortunate commotion he caused when they were trying to say their vows - when that obviously insensitive alien or whatever that was just shook that big growth-looking thing that I guess passes for a head and slithered back into the doggone space craft with startling speed given his enormous size! You would think if they flew all this way to see us he would at least have given me a salve or lotion or something for my doggone bunions! (or used a laser or death ray or whatever!) Talk about a wasted trip! And what about my feet?" she fumed.

"Well, I was outside letting my goat Nellie feast on those fancy flowers that Mrs. Bodine has growing on the side of her house when some big shiny thing landed right in the park!" said Gomer Festoon, 62, an area farmer/rancher. "After determining that it was not the Sheriff or some other law enforcement agency coming after me and my goat for some trumped up and totally bogus flower-related trespassing charges, we made our way over to see what the heck was going on. Anyway, this big gray/green thing comes ambling up to me and I stuck my hand out to shake hands which seemed to confuse him somehow and after a really awkward interlude I then went to pull out my chewing tobacco to offer him some (a universal peace gesture!) when the doggone pouch slipped out of my hand and, much to my horror, the dadburn alien bent over to pick the dern thing up for me! Oh, it was horrible! That is one thing that you never do around my goat Nellie - bend over, that is. Before I knew what had happened, that doggone goat had head-butted that poor creature half way to Adams County! (Nellie was indeed in rare form that day!) I mean, that alien abomination was weird looking and all, but the one part of him that was anatomically correct was his dadburn buttocks - so I can't hardly blame Nellie none! That's just what he does, for Pete's sake - and the alien did bend over and all! Anyway, next thing I knew they all just hastily piled back into that spacecraft of theirs and disappeared into the sky - without so much as a goodbye or 'Oh, never mind'. It was all very rude! And we ain't heard nothing from them since, neither!" he said smugly while leading Nellie over to the Snopes place where their prize tulips are finally in bloom.

No comments: