Area Mayor Checks Self Into "Psychiatric Institution" To Address Chronic And Long Festering 'Battered Mayor Syndrome'

In a bold move that has mental health professionals across the nation applauding the proactive nature of his actions, an area mayor, applying a somewhat high degree of self-analysis, took an unpaid sabbatical from his largely meaningless and unpaid job in the 2nd smallest town in the State and checked himself into a highly renowned although somewhat creepy regional mental health facility, the decidedly misnamed Charming Acres, late Tuesday. "Well, the caring although oftentimes ghoulish staff at Charming Acres pride ourselves on taking the worst cases imaginable, but when that mayor came staggering in here begging to be admitted, even our seasoned and largely callous staff were taken aback in shock and consternation - actually resulting in 3 employee resignations and one staff member of 26 years unfortunately having himself committed to help overcome the ordeal!" said Nurse Hatchet, a burly and none-too-gentle care giver who is no stranger to the high pressure water hose or that 'hush-hush' electro-shock gadget or whatever. "Anyway, after we managed to calm him down with that tranquilizer gun we got from the zoo supply place and strapped him down (none too gently!) on the cold metal cot in his unheated room (ironically, this arrangement was much more peaceful than the doggone town office!), he began to recount stories of being the mayor of a town where people for miles around hate everything that is ever done, regardless of their personal benefit, and who, if the obviously traumatized mayor is to be believed, exhibit behaviors that are completely outside the confines of even the most basic of human social contexts whatsoever!" she said mournfully, shaking her head although her hair never moved at all due to a quite impressive application of industrial strength hair spray or something. "Oh, it was horrid! Several of our staff members, the ones who resigned, in fact, just happened to be walking down the hall and overheard some of the things that go on in that town/region and even decades of professional training could not prepare them for the nightmarish horror show that he recounted! Oh, and the attending physician, you know, the one who had himself committed, that poor man had to hear all of it! It is a miracle he was not reduced to some vegetative state right there on the spot! I cannot help but shudder at the very thought of that disgusting tale of woe and outrageous ingratitude and nitpicking!" she stammered, crossing herself in a vain attempt to ward off the reflective evil and nastiness!

"So, although one would have thought it impossible for a region in this day and age to be so singularly devoted to chaos and civic disorder, it would appear that any number of people from whatever town/region he comes from is really a throw back to some imaginary wild west scenario where, like the book "Lord of the Flies", people just want to be allowed to tear each other apart and to reduce the town to rubble! Anyway, the mayor, not being from these parts, just naturally assumed that the townsfolk would want to be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or have roving criminals terrorizing the place day and night - so you can imagine his shock when the area 'ruling elite' jumped firmly behind the dysfunction and discord! It would appear that this particular group of individuals, most living outside the town itself, have crafted a unique 'survival of the fittest' scenario where the very basest of human tendencies are applauded while basic constraints that every other town in the State takes for granted are met with scorn and derision! No wonder that poor mayor had such a profound mental event! It has to be like waking up in the middle of a "Twilight Zone" episode or whatever! It just makes me thankful for the town I live in, let me tell you!" she gushed, making a mental note to be considerably less nasty in the town she lives in!!

(Editorial Note: As with any town or other human grouping, the 80-20 principle applies. 80% of the citizenry are quiet, normal, law abiding folks who, as Richard Nixon used to say, are the silent majority - but the remaining 20 percent, the ones who benefit psychologically or materially from being able to bully their way through life at the expense of their neighbors, are any mayor's primary focus. But to have the so-called 'Area Elite" side with the law breakers and the social miscreants seems to be what sets some towns apart from others - and goes a long way to explain why some towns are small and unhappy and the focus of disproportionate Sheriff attention and some are not. It is all a matter of municipal tone - as defined by what is acceptable and what is not - and not having even the most basic of municipal standards for behavior, particularly as it relates to existing state and local laws, is what makes some towns more challenging to govern than others, that's all! We are just thankful this is not a 70-30 town! Big blessings oftentimes come in small packages! Thank you! Oh yeah, special thanks goes to the former 'Rabbit Nose' for the inspiration for this unfortunate tale of woe!!)

Area Farmer/Rancher Zombies Return From Grave To Help Drag Lamont Back To Highly Undesirable And Profoundly Lawless 'Dark Ages'

In a decidedly unsettling and grisly (although not completely unexpected!) backlash against progress of any kind in the 2nd smallest town in the State, a shockingly organized cabal of the walking undead descended on Lamont in a last-ditch attempt to drag the town back in time to a period where men were men and dogs were allowed to run around biting people - oh yeah, and there weren't all those stinking sidewalks and paved roads strewn all over the place and all the town buildings were unpainted like they should be! Although often painful in the extreme, many if not most small towns experience growing pains related to advancement outside their municipal comfort zone(s), but few regions ever go to the extreme of summoning the walking undead to help sway the scales of progress into the retroactive position, however - as the Lamont area appears to be doing. "Well, we spent our whole lives making sure the Town remained backwards and anarchistic, and I'll be dadburned if I am going to let a little thing like the cold, cruel grave hinder me from taking action as a few city slickers come in and want to pry Lamont from the clutches of complete and total randomness and disorder!" said Jethro Bodine, a formerly deceased farmer/rancher, and the main spokesperson for the wriggling mass of undead cannibals who spend a vast majority of their time stumbling about the place, grunting and groaning and looking for a quick snack of human flesh. "I mean, we did just fine for many decades with no law and order, bad water, gravel roads, an aversion to the Sheriff and all of those other true joys of the rural life, but when that dern elected group over there went all crazy and brought in that stupid library project with an actual flush toilet, (with money provided by the County - the same bunch that provides the doggone Sheriff! What nerve they have!) that is when the alarm bells went off in the very depths of Hell itself and we farmers/ranchers needed to do something really nasty and backward looking - and quick!" he rambled in a mumbling sort of way like zombies tend to do, although speaking fairly clearly for a creature without that whole tongue/upper pallet thing to help form words. "Lamont needs to be left alone to just eventually crumble into the dustbin of history, and although when we were alive we never actually lived within the town itself and certainly never lifted a finger to help improve things, (Oh, Heaven forbid!! Why would they ever do more than complain, anyway?) we still have a vested interest in seeing this long pattern of dysfunction and decay continue uninterrupted, doggone it! Darn that mayor and his big city ways! This modernization thing will not stand! It makes us all look bad and serves to highlight our collective laziness and inertia! We have a false reputation to uphold, doggone it! - you know, that whole salt-of-the-earth, backbone-of-America nonsense and all of that!" he gurgled disgustingly!

"Well, being the mayor of Lamont one can grow accustomed to just about any outrage, but even I was slightly taken aback when our few, well-plowed streets were filled with any number of nightmarish creatures caught between the quick and the dead. At first, I could not figure out what was going on, given that fashions have obviously not changed very much in Lamont over the years, but when one of the undead ghouls accosted me as I was shoveling snow by the fire station and grunted something about Lamont needing to stay in the grips of lawless abandon, I knew that this was slightly different from the normal citizen complaint!" (not very much different, though!) said an area mayor who, after 5 years, has pretty much seen it all! (Oh, the stories he could tell!!) "Somehow Lamont is surrounded by a bunch of folks who have more than a passing interest in opposing every single initiative that any other normal town/region would view as the most basic of civic baselines - but what surprises me is the length that these folks will go to in order to ensure that Lamont remains firmly outside the loving embrace of the modern era! I mean, how can so many folks be against basic human dignity - under the guise of citizen rights and the American dream - particularly when they don't live within the town limits and also because of the fact that with all rights come responsibilities - particularly to those less fortunate in society - like school kids walking to school being free from dog attacks! I just don't get how so many supposed "area leaders" can be so firmly planted on the side of lawlessness and mob justice! It really makes me worry for America in general and rural America in particular! But, that is just all in a days work when you are the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State, I guess!" he sighed resignedly, returning to his largely ineffectual snow shoveling. "I bet that doggone Long Beach doesn't have this problem! I imagine Long Beach's citizens would complain about lawlessness of any kind - not vice-versa! Oh, maybe they are better than we are, after all!" he murmured (pathetically) under his breath so no one could hear him utter those forbidden words!

Lamont Unveils New Town Motto To Ride Crest Of 'Modernization Tsunami' Into Intimidating And Largely Unnecessary 21st Century

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, known for miles around as the town that cannot, even under the most decidedly favorable conditions, grab its own rear-end with both hands, has thrown convention onto the manure pile and is attempting to do what is known in the 'outside world' as a bit of branding - a marketing term that has something to do with institutions or products or something like that. (Hey, how can branding not be associated with cows? That just seems crazy to me!) The lowly Lamont, known until recent years as the town without houseplants given the formerly outrageously bad state of the town water system after decades of neglect and inaction (Thank you USDA and CBDG and Century West Engineering for helping us rectify this situation!!) has decided that it needs a new slogan - a new moniker, if you will, to help capture the current unsettling energy and verve that seems to be gripping the town by the throat in the last few, quite painful years. "Well, nothing pains us more as a town than positive change, (The negative kind seems okay, however!) but it is high time that the town dust off its tarnished and largely disreputable (yet well-deserved!) past and take several teetering baby steps towards the modern era, for Pete's sake!!" said an area mayor with more than a dash of cringing fear and trepidation. "Sure, that whole unfortunate houseplant reputation thing was a little embarrassing, and, sure, since our founding in 1910 we have been affectionately known across the Palouse as the epicenter of pungent and often overwhelming halitosis, (not to mention those other unfortunate, largely bovine-related odors! Whoa!!) but we need to update our decidedly well-deserved image to embrace the future, however unsettling and unnerving that may seem!" he said with far less enthusiasm than is normally shown by even an innocent man being unceremoniously frog-marched thru the snow to the waiting gallows. "So, our new town slogan "Lamont - Where Fair To Middling Is The Best We Can Ever Hope For!" seems to capture some of the new hope and possibility that Lamont is trying to parley into new residents and maybe even a single, solitary store or coffee shop or whatever!" he rambled on annoyingly - never being one to shy away from aspiring to even the most unreachable of pipe dreams (Come on! Lamont with a store? How insane is that?) or clinging desperately to the most ridiculous and far-fetched of forlorn hopes!

"Well, given that Lamont is the town that never quite managed to paint their one, single, solitary building - the Fire Station/Town Hall in 60+ years, it goes without saying that running around changing things and improving stuff before it just collapses into a heap of smoldering ruin runs counter to the prevailing farm wisdom for miles around - so this bold, brave step into that whole 're-branding' thing is bound to be as unpopular as all of the other 'big city' things we have done in the last few years, but maybe it is time for people to begin to quit clinging onto a failed and dismal past that somehow catapulted us into the quite unenviable position as the 2nd smallest town in the State!" he blathered on endlessly as he tends to do when anyone, however remote, seems to be paying even a modicum of attention to him. "I mean, we are still facing a simmering citizen revolt from when we instituted a new, largely tooth-less dog ordinance several years back because some people think it is their God-given right to let their animals attack school children walking to school (some of them thought this way, anyway!) - and naturally we still have any number of people who won't walk on the new sidewalks (Thank you Greg Partch and the TIB!! Our new roads are beautiful!) because they preferred the dusty, unreliable gravel roads and view their embarrassing, archaic, illogical behavior as some gallant form of civic protest akin to flying the flag at half mast in moments of national tragedy or grief (ironically, the biting dog people and the sidewalk people tend to come from the same families! Go figure!!) - oh yeah, and don't forget those folks who don't want a new library because all that fancy book learning, as everyone knows, is a razor-sharp arrow in the devil's quiver - but still we must move on - however tentatively and reluctantly this advancement may appear to others!" he gushed fearfully, glancing about as if expecting some piano or anvil or whatever to come tumbling out of the sky onto his somewhat thinning hair/head! (Yes, the cartoon "The Roadrunner" is now the official Town cartoon - having replaced "Scooby-Doo" just last year in another one of those controversial mayoral initiatives to help modernize the place!)

(Editorial Note: This new Lamont motto, although falsely modest and largely discombobulated like everything that Lamont does, is still vastly inferior to that doggone Long Beach's motto, that rambles on about being a really fun place to live and vacation - and something about having stores or whatever! That is just like them! Having to have some logical, contextually accurate, easy to remember motto that is much more enjoyable to read than the Lamont motto. Darn their beady little eyes - and their stupid motto, too. That is all we have to say on the matter! Thank you!)

Lamont Releases Provocative And Alluring 2011 Calendar Featuring Local Beauties - Area Puritanical Do-Gooders Up In Arms!

For the 34th year in a row, the Town of Lamont, never one to shy away from controversy and often finding itself on the cutting edge of every avant-garde social movement and/or fad that comes down the pike, has produced yet another socially stunning and controversial calendar that leaves very little to the imagination when it comes to a shameless exhibition of the female form, (On the hoof, anyway!!) insiders report. This said calendar, (Editorial Note: The dern thing only has 12 pages, for some reason!! What cheapskates!), quite shockingly displays a disturbing level of actual exposed female flesh, thus obviously attempting to draw on the more prurient segments of the farmer/rancher calendar reading audience. "Well, as if we didn't have enough reason to want to run off all half-cocked and crazy acting - but now that dern Mayor pretty much leaves us with no dadburn choice!" said Dodo Festoon, an area farm wife and notorious gossip/busybody/snoot-bag. "It is a crying shame that half the dern rancher wives in these parts let their cows run around half naked, but to capture this outrageous indecency with one of them fancy cameras and to plaster this moral outrage all over some two-bit calendar for everyone without a lick of sense to gawk at just seems contrary to the very moral fibers that this country now so sorely lacks, if you ask me!" she fumed, looking slightly less insane with her blushing, obviously embarrassed cheeks helping to draw attention away from her cold, reptilian eyes that are as dead and lifeless as a shark's.

"I remember a time when any farm/ranch wife worthy of the name would spend those long, cold winter months inside the house, knitting each one of the cows a shawl or sweater or covering of some kind. But now, it would seem that every farm wife within 20 miles of the place spends all their time running down the town and partaking in shameless gossip and back-biting in a vain attempt to somehow derail all them 'big city' changes that are taking place in Lamont - and I'd be surprised if nary a stitch has been joined together this whole year in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA)!! It's a crying shame, I tell you!" she screeched, spittle flying in every direction! "If the Good Lord wanted our cows to run around in their dadburn birthday suits, He wouldn't have invented knitting, now would he?" said the biblical and reason-challenged battle-ax with real, hardly concealed anger management problems! "Oh, and anyone who would look at that sort of thing, much less hang it on the doggone wall, just needs their head examined, for Pete's sake! This country is sick, I already knew that, but I just had no idea how sick it really was!" she concluded with more than her usual generous helping of unbridled lunacy, while failing to note, quite ironically, that she, too, has not managed to knit one measly cow shawl or festive, brightly colored poncho or whatever - particularly since that doggone mayor took over - with all them 'Big City Ways' - because there just ain't enough hours in the day to knit and viciously slander the Mayor at the same time, now are there? (Editorial Note: And don't we know that fact, too!! Oh, where does the time go, anyway? And let's be honest here, who wants to just sit around knitting like some Geritol-taking granny when there is some serious slandering to do? I mean, come on!)

Politically Powerful 'Lamont Bovine Association' Condemns That Doggone Long Beach For Exploiting Cows For Cheap and Tawdry Political Gain

A local bovine support organization lowered its horns and is prepared to charge after an inflammatory photo began to circulate around Lamont - the origin of said photo being that doggone show-off Long Beach, if shameless rumors are to be believed! This unsavory display of bovine humiliation can only serve to raise the already fever-pitch tensions between Lamont, a small, disorderly, largely mission-less (and laggardly!) town in the Palouse and the bright, nicely planned, refreshing, well-managed and tourist friendly Mecca where the beautiful people with actual money go on vacation - yes, that stupid Long Beach itself!

"Well, that is all I need right now! Oh, that is all I need!" whined an area Mayor who has enough on his plate, wearing the shame of being the Mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State that doesn't even have a public restroom, let alone any stores - not even a 'Quick Stop' or a measly 'newspaper stand'!! "Oh yeah, like my life is not already filled with crushing levels of self-doubt, simmering self-esteem issues and a general propensity towards feelings of claustrophobic doom! So, of course, amidst that foul gumbo of the basest of human emotions, in trots that dadburn Long Beach, having to stir up our easily excitable and potentially explosive bovine boosters who really only have one local target of choice - yours truly himself! Thanks loads, Long Beach! Oh yeah, that's just peachy!!!" he sniveled while shaking his fist in the general direction of the Pacific Ocean!

"So, there I was, minding my own business, acting like I wasn't home like I usually do when I am, in fact, at home - and the next thing I knew both my front door and back door began to heave under the pounding of the truly motivated and/or potentially criminally insane - so what could I do? Anyway, when I tried to shamelessly slip out the side window in a vain attempt to slither on my belly out to the barn in the tall grass I had neglected to mow in over a month (of Sundays!) I ended up nose to nose with that fearsome Jethro Festoon (and his goons!), the acting President of the Lamont Bovine Association himself. And even before the whiskey breath hit me in the face like a 30 pound salmon that had been left in the sun for too long, he proceeded to shove that stupid Long Beach photo in my face, demanding some sort of feeble explanation from me or some pound of flesh or whatever! What could I say to the man? I have done my best for over two years to dismantle that stupid seaside wonderland and vacation paradise brick by brick, so how is it my fault that they are basically impervious to my pathetic yet persistent barbs! They are inhuman or superhuman or whatever! Hey, I really need some help there! Just when I think I have gained the upper hand, or maybe even the upper finger, even for an hour or two, (Okay, those poorly chosen words, regardless of the largely inarticulate symbolism they pretend to convey, seem to border on some obscene hand gesture that the Lamont Blog cannot approve of! This is a family friendly blog, for Pete's sake!) that doggone Gayle Borchard comes trotting in, all chipper and happy and glowing from some new and hideous planning success for her City, and begins throwing her strategically placed little photographic hand grenades all over the place and the next thing you know I am politically blown to smithereens onto the wastes of Adams County! (except for the ground Lamont is situated on, Whitman County doesn't have any wastelands!) Oh, like I don't have enough issues on my plate without having to constantly be bested by some outrageous City that I have only been to twice! (In fact, he has been there a few more times than that - usually in disguise!) Don't I already carry the crushing, cumulative shame and humiliation of any ten men, being the thankless Mayor of Lamont and all? All I have to say is "Thanks, Long Beach! Your timing is superb, as always!!! And, oh yeah, darn your beady little eyes, too!" he concluded before dragging his spare bed down into the root cellar where no one will hopefully look for him - at least not for a little while, anyway! (And by that time maybe they will be sobered up! Doubtful, but a man can dream, can't he?)

Area Mayor Goes All "Gangsta" In Concerted Attempt To Reach Out To Fast-Growing (and annoying!) Rapper Segment Of Local Citizenry

In a bold move to provide robust and nuanced mayoral leadership to every segment of the 2nd smallest citizenry in the state, an area mayor bought outrageously baggy pants, spent the last of his savings at a Spokane jewelry pawn shop and altered his normal speech patterns in order to reach out to the disturbingly fast-growing 'Rap sub-culture' in the town, late Tuesday. "Yo! Word to your mother! What up, dude?" said an area mayor, who unfortunately still sounds like some Russian guy and not a genuine rapper - at least not the ones on TV. (Editorial Note: Oh great! We at the Lamont Blog thought that that whole Russian accent thing when the mayor was acting like a pirate was bad enough - but a Russian rapper! Oh, the humanity!! Maybe we should move down the road and become the Sprague Blog, or maybe even the St. John Blog! (St. John is really the best managed small town in Washington!) This is just too much for even us to take! A Blog has to have some community standards, after all! Thank you!) "Well, I have to reach out to my 'peeps', yo! I am so down with that! Public acknowledgment and understanding is the 'gin and juice" of our democracy, yo! Word!" he rambled on annoyingly, still sounding like Checkov from Star Trek, but only in baggy pants that show his underwear! Checkov would have been booted off the show if he would have showed up wearing pants like that. Even the Klingons would never have been caught dead in duds like that! I mean, come on!

"Well, although I understand the sentiment and all, I just cannot see how a middle-aged, balding, horizontally-challenged mayor can ever hope to pull off some hopefully passing fad that originated in Los Angeles or whatever" said Wilber Snopes, 64, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, anyone who has ever seen the mayor read the water meters knows full well that he is no stranger to baggy pants, but we all just assumed that he was imitating a plumber and all of the unfortunate symbolism that that entails. So, I guess if you think of it, that jump to being a rapper, whatever that means, is not a very big one - but seeing less of the mayor's backside is a worthy goal I think we all can share. But all that big clunky jewelry! Rings on every finger and that big "M" medallion hanging from his neck like he was that "Flav-a-Flav" or whoever that weird guy is! (The 'M' stands for Mayor!) I believe he calls it 'bling', but I call it stupid! That is all just so crazy! And I won't even mention his new gold tooth with a map of Whitman County worked right in there! Oh, that is just so wrong! I just feel strongly that we, as a town, should not be encouraging that sort of thing, that's all! But the last straw was all of those "Yo momma is so fat' jokes that he tells now! He may be attempting to reach out to the 'rapper' segment of the population, but he is sure alienating the easily slighted and long-remembering 'farm wife' one with those poorly chosen although oftentimes very apt and downright funny jokes! Oh, why cannot Lamont just go back to being Lamont - you know, the town with aggressive roving dogs, no public restrooms, and where certain crime families were allowed to run amok terrorizing the citizenry at will - without any of the 'so-called good citizens' lifting a finger to stop them and protect the innocent residents from this anarchy. Now that was the historical Lamont that we could all love - not this town that is pirate one week and rapper the next! Somehow we just need to be who we are, that's all!" he concluded stoically while hiking up his pants to make darn sure no one can see his underwear, doggone it!

(Editorial Note: For the record, the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the continental USA in this age and any other, Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame, has completely refused to participate in this latest town 'rapper' phase, although she did manage a few 'arrghh's' when Lamont was going thru its thankfully short-lived pirate stage - although she did draw the line on wearing an eye patch to the town meeting(s). Cheryl, a refreshing addition to the Lamont team, however, has shown more open skepticism towards that whole 'rapper' thing, and has even been seen turning the blaring Town radio (we are too small to own a boom-box!) away from the Spokane rap station - and onto some radio station that plays a much less hip and phat blend of music that doesn't even come close to capturing the spirit of the streets! We still appreciate her anyway. Sadly, any hope of her getting one of her teeth capped with a map of Whitman County seems remote at best, especially since she lives and works in Spokane County. No one is perfect, we guess!)

The Ever-Intensifying Lamont/Long Beach Tussle Follows Historical Agrarian/Urban Conflict Model, Says Egghead Area Anthropologist

In a tale of woe, sadness, shame and intrigue as old as the institution of agriculture itself, the current simmering cultural conflict between the small, struggling, store-less, disturbingly dysfunctional Town of Lamont and the vibrant, lively, energetic and extremely well-managed City of Long Beach appears to follow the natural course of historical human cultural development, says Dr. Winston Peabody III, a renowned cultural anthropologist from BSU. According to Dr. Peabody, as far back as the human record goes, small, isolated, inward-looking, shockingly self-absorbed agricultural communities have traditionally fallen prey to societies that either had too much energy, brains, talent, social prowess and/or general martial gumption to stay tied to the same piece of land year after year. And, of course, given that everyone does have to eat on a regular basis, if you, as a society, could make some dramatic raid once a year, preferably right after harvest, and abscond with someone else's vittles that you didn't have to work in the hot sun for, that was a pretty sweet deal, assuming you didn't get stabbed in the gut with a pitchfork or something. (The farmer types never really warmed to this quite necessary although somewhat limiting (for them!) cultural development, needless to say!)

"Anyway, if you think of all of the most dynamic cultures in the history of mankind, the ones we tend to admire and venerate were the ones who tended to bonk their neighbors on the head, take their food, and move on to repeat the process on some other hapless victim down the road or whatever" said Dr. Peabody III. "If you think of those exciting Vikings, the amazingly organized Romans, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan - you could just go right down the list - all of them didn't just sit around the place watching the wheat grow and worrying if the cow was going to have a normal birth! Heck no! They were men and women of action - the builders and shapers of all the things that we hold in high regard, even today. I mean, who wants a hero who is well known for getting up at 3:30 AM every morning to milk a cow and, as an after thought, scoop manure out of a stall? Where is the glamour in that? Look at those doggone British. They come from a relatively small island off the coast of Europe and they conquered the whole dern world, almost. How can you sail around the world, thumping other cultures on the head and swiping their stuff if you have to be home in time for the 2nd milking of the day? It just doesn't make any sense! So yes, there are winners and losers in this world, and history has favored those who can break out of tradition, embrace change and adapt to evolving circumstances. So, if you look at this whole Lamont/Long Beach dust-up in that light, this really goes a long way to explaining those tensions. Oh yeah, and if I were you, I would put my money on Long Beach. The smart money is always on the pirate-personality types versus those who just want to poke around the barn, milking and shoveling manure and watching the wheat grow. That is just the natural order of things, that's all! Don't blame me! I am just the messenger of the obvious, for Pete's sake!" he concluded sagely.

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog, especially since we live in an agrarian portion of the Great State of Washington, cannot endorse bonking anyone on the head, unless, of course, that somehow excludes bonking people from Idaho on the head. Bonking Idahoans on the head is a healthy, rewarding pastime, and if we somehow inadvertently happen to bring home a few potatoes in the process, that is completely different from some Viking warship docking on our shores and going berserk all over the place or some stupid pirate galleon pillaging us on the high seas and making everyone walk the plank!! When it comes to bonking someone on the head, as the Good Book says, it is indeed better to give than to receive! As long as it is not Long Beach bonking us on the head. That is just wrong on just about every conceivable level. Thank you!)

Nation Stunned, Pensive As Lamont Officially "Crosses the Rubicon" Into The Frightening 20th Century (Yes, we have high speed internet now!)

The lowly and laggardly Town of Lamont, a municipal incorporation that has turned holding onto the past into a genuine art form, stunned the entire nation by shamelessly adopting a communication technology most often used by 'them big city people' - yes, Lamont is now connected to the World Wide Web (WWW, whatever that is!) via a stunningly fast 'high speed internet connection'. This town, best known as the human settlement that didn't actually get their first vehicle powered by the internal combustion engine for 98 years (sadly, this is all true!), is well known for rejecting modernity as 'the fruits of the devil', so those 'in the know' cannot help but be shocked by their quite reckless and 'devil-may-care' adoption of a communication protocol that does not require people to wait about 5 doggone minutes to pull up a simple Google page, for Pete's sake! "Well, let's just say that we started leaving our municipal 'comfort zone' just about the time they started making buggy whips with those stupid man-made fibers worked in there and all!" said an area Mayor who considers his toaster to be an advanced piece of electronic equipment (Well, it does use them electroid things or whatever!) "Anyway, as you all know, Lamont now has the most awesome Clerk/Treasurer in the history of the whole doggone world, that Cheryl Loeffler of Fairfield fame (she really is pretty darn awesome! What a God-send she is!), and she has worked out this whole remote connectivity thing or whatever, don't ask me, anything more advanced than sticking your head out the front door and hollering seems like voodoo mischief to me - but she was doing this via dial-up and it was taking forever to do basic things, so she brought high speed connectivity up in our last meeting and, amazingly enough, the Council went for it! I am 99.99% sure they had no idea what they were agreeing to, I know I sure didn't, but I made one quick call to that totally awesome (And understanding! And patient! And able to work effectively with the technology challenged!) RitzCom communications and the next thing I knew all them computer pages were just flying up on the screen like a Banshee queen or whatever" he gushed ignorantly!

"Well, given that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that this certainly matches all the biblical signs for the "End Times", we in the bible prophecy community have kept a close eye on Lamont as some sort of 'bell-weather' for the global apocalypse and all" said Rev. Wilber Leadbottom, a renowned area biblical scholar. "So, needless to say, when Lamont went hog wild and bought that fancy truck/snow plow we pretty much knew that that whole Rapture thing was right around the corner. But leaving dial-up for high speed internet pretty much lets the faithful the world over know that we may only have hours or days left of this earthly burden! Repent, you sinners, repent!" he bellowed, shaking his fist menacingly. "I mean, if you cannot count on Lamont being a century or two behind the rest of the nation, then I am not certain that we can trust the very ground under our feet! Oh, and I still don't see what was wrong with Nellie, the Lamont town mule! Sure, she did tend to leave 'road apples' in front of the Mayor's mailbox and all, and she did have that little 'kicking problem', but she sure could clean out a ditch in record time and as a watchdog she was beyond compare. But no, Lamont had to go get all fancy and buy a modern vehicle! (pronounced 'veee-hick-el). Oh, times, they are a-changin'!!! he concluded solemnly before throwing salt over his shoulder 3 times and spitting to ward off the 'evil eye'!

Shock Study: Area Mayor's Hairline Continues To Decrease At An Increasing Rate!

In a sad, genuinely disturbing state of affairs that has Town leaders contemplating drastic and possibly extra-constitutional action, (if for no other reason than to save what is left of the Town's tattered reputation) an area mayor's hairline, although less than impressive when he took office five years ago, has begun to recede at such an alarming rate that drastic action is now mandated, insiders report. "Well, I don't know how to put this gently, but if I was an advertising agency specializing in billboards, that doggone mayor's forehead would be prime real estate!" said Wilber Snopes, an area farmer/rancher who lives outside of town but who has lived in the area for so long that he feels that he should have a direct say in the internal affairs of the town. "I mean, we have so few visitors as it is, but to expose the few that we do get to that expanding mass of pasty white skin just seems to be less than neighborly, that's all. What is wrong with having a mayor who you don't have to wear sunglasses around when having a casual chat out of doors? I just cannot believe that the human forehead has that much actual surface area, that's all!" he said with genuine wonderment!

"Well, I know with all of those protective employment classes the government has foisted on us, it may not be legal to run off an elected official for shocking levels of hair loss while in office, but it is worth a shot, anyway!" said Elma Festoon, an area farm wife and a woman who knows the pain of hair loss due to bi-monthly perms for the last 40+ years. (she is only 44 years old!!!). "Anyway, Lamont has an image to uphold, and having our point representative running about the place blinding residents and visitors alike just runs contrary to the image we are trying to project, that's all! It was bad enough when he was the first mayor in town history that didn't sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' (even the women mayors!) - so it took us several years to get used to that unsettling patch of skin between his eyes - but this whole forehead thing is just a little too much for public sensibilities, if you ask me!" she stammered indignantly! "I guess that that whole 'separate, distinct, individualized eyebrow' thing and that whole expanding forehead debacle are probably manifestations of that mayor's 'big city ways' - but this is the rural Palouse and we just prefer huge tufts of hair covering 90 percent of the human form in our elected officials, that's all."

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog do not discriminate against the follicle-challenged and thus cannot support the sentiments or opinions expressed here. Just because some poor schlub is developing a 'chrome-dome' is no reason to boot them out of office, although the potential for reduced eye-strain is attractive on so many levels. Maybe instead of one of those 'comb-overs' that seem to be so popular in these parts, the mayor could attempt a "comb-straight-down' or something, thus reducing the town's total UV exposure rate by as much as 60%!! But what do we know?) (Oh yeah, and none of our female mayors ever had a 'mono-brow' - not that we know about, anyway!)

Totally Awesome City Of Sprague Saves The Day On Lamont's New Library Septic System

The City of Sprague, a little gem of a city nestled right on Interstate 90 in the often under appreciated Lincoln County, WA - rose quite admirably to the occasion when Lamont, a mere town that can barely grab its own rear end with both hands, was faced with a vexing dilemma when applying for a septic system permit for their first ever public restroom. As luck would have it, the quite excellent Whitman County Health Department, just one of the many quite excellent Whitman County departments that Lamont gets to work with on a regular basis, required that Lamont provide a backhoe to dig the test holes for the new septic system for the new library that Lamont is attempting to build (Lamont is the only town in Whitman County without a real library - or so the scuttle-butt goes!). "Well, when I heard that we needed a piece of heavy machinery, of course, my blood turned to ice water!" said a so-called area mayor who tends to get all fidgety when faced with situations outside the routine. "Anyway, after my initial panic subsided and I was able to think clearly, well, clearly for me, anyway - I realized that we were either doomed or somehow we needed a miracle - and that miracle came on the wings of an angel called Sprague" he said dramatically while gazing thankfully at the Heavens!

"So, I called one of the top-notch Sprague employees who does some work for Lamont and he placed a call to Sprague's quite capable and obviously resourceful mayor - who, after researching the legal foundations of such a transaction (Mental note to self: Must remember to check out all that legal stuff in the future. Must attempt to be more like the Sprague mayor!) agreed to help out Lamont with the backhoe. Oh, I almost passed out with my relief! I mean, Sprague is over 5 times the size of Lamont and they even have stores! The fact that they would condescend to help the hapless Lamont just goes to show that there is still goodness in this cold, selfish world! In fact, this whole process is leading to a formal 'Mutual Assistance Pact' between the two incorporated entities (another great idea from that quite excellent Sprague mayor. Mental Note to self: Must have more good ideas like the Sprague mayor!) Oh, and to think that they are even in a different County! I'm sorry, I am just all choked up!!" he sniffled, wiping away a rare tear! (and not the crocodile variety, either!)

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog cannot help but notice the irony that an entirely different town, located 8-9 miles away, would play such a pivotal role in helping Lamont get their first public restroom in over 100 years! (Why couldn't Lamont be that motivated for Lamont's first public restroom? Inquiring minds want to know!) One cannot help but wonder if they were just embarrassed to be situated next-door to a town with such a well-trodden history of failure in the "public restroom department", who knows! Lamont, well known for outrageous levels of dysfunction and a decided lack of cohesion, is, if nothing else, a loyal, thankful town - and a gesture like this from Sprague will make us as loyal as a faithful (and house broken) Labrador Retriever (raised from a puppy!) or whatever. The whole town of Lamont extends their heart-felt thanks to the whole City of Sprague - and we would like to thank them for having a gas station and a quite excellent grocery store, too! And that mayor of theirs! Oh, how did they get so lucky while Lamont just seems to be so cursed? Inquiring minds want to know!)

Long Beach Threatens Some Hideous Pirate Invasion - Lamont Goes To Largely Ineffectual "War Footing"!

(Editorial Note: This article will make absolutely no sense unless you have followed recent past articles - and then it still might not make any sense. But, in order to capture the sheer inanity of the Lamont Blog, it is essential to read it regularly. Thank you!) As something that can only happen in the lowly and decidedly kooky Town of Lamont, the Lamont Blog, acting as an honest although clumsy communication agent, seems to have started some mini-civil war or something because of some dumb article, addressing the very real challenges of attracting tourists in these challenging financial times, somehow came up with a line of drivel that inadvertently included pirates, and that doggone Long Beach, as is often there nature, somehow became offended because they, of course, have a large percentage of their population who claim active pirate parentage (seriously, they have entire pirate organizations over there and all!), and thus, to save their municipal honor (something Lamont has never had to worry about!), threatened the cowardly and poltroon-like Town of Lamont with some pirate-like invasion or whatever.

"Well, given that we are the 2nd smallest town in the State and nothing of any note ever really happens here - we feel honor bound and tied to the wings of destiny to over-react to this largely humorous and decidedly playful threat with characteristic overkill and general municipal excess!" said an area Mayor who still, after several days or weeks of practice, sounds more like that Russian "Checkov" guy from Star Trek than he does a half way decent pirate worthy of the name or whatever! "Heck, Lamont has no choice but to go on a 'war footing' and we have already called up all of our reserves which, fortunately or unfortunately for us, consists largely of our 4-legged friends - those Bullyboys of the Bovine Brigade - yes, the area cattle herds themselves! (Well, when you have less than 100 people, no stores and cannot even manage the organizational baseline to put in a truly public bathroom in 100 years, a town must oftentimes resort to desperate measures! Plus, all that free milk on the front lines can only help improve the morale of our beleaguered and skittish troops!). "Anyway, our plan of defense consists of 3 basic tenants. 1) We will lay a quite extensive 'cow patty' minefield to the west of town, thus hampering an unfettered approach by the said pirates, who aren't used to operating on land and all. Thankfully for us, Lamont is now and always has been one big cow patty minefield, so that doesn't really require that much effort on our part. 2) We have any number of volunteers (all bovines, given the cowardly nature of our citizenry!) who will dress up as and thus infiltrate the pirate ranks, hopefully sowing discord and getting in a few head butts at some critical juncture in the battle. These, of course, will be led by that rebel leader of some renown, the quite capable and cleverly disguised "Moo-Beard' himself! And finally, 3) Of course we will surrender and beg for mercy! Being Lamont, we have long ago learned that showing complete submission to the outside world, with all the requisite groveling and sniveling, is one darn effective survival strategy! So, bring it on, yea nave-like pirate rabble! "We've a surprise or two tucked up our big, puffy sleeves - like some hidden pirate dagger or whatever!" he concluded embarrassingly, once again sounding more like some Russian peasant from "War and Peace" than the burly spawn of the scourge of the seas - descendants of the once proud Bluebeard himself!! (Editorial Note: For the record, we at the Lamont Blog stole the name "Moo-Beard' from the internet as a somewhat lackluster play off of 'Bluebeard', so all shame and ridicule belongs with the original author and not with us. Thank you!)

Recent Heavy Rains Finally Allow Lamont To Go 'Head to Head" With That Doggone Long Beach For Precious Tourist Dollars!!

In a long overdue reprieve sent by the very Heavens themselves, the lowly and shockingly delusional Town of Lamont, in a moment of deranged euphoria, launched an aggressive public relations campaign to bring those ever finicky tourists (whatever they are!!) to the 2nd smallest town in Washington (and smallest in Whitman County!!) - as opposed to having them drive all the way across the State to luxuriate in that highly overrated Pacific Ocean with all that stupid fresh seafood and where those sea breezes blow without even the slightest hint of cow manure whatsoever! "Well, as they say, every dog has its day - so in your face Long Beach!!" bellowed an area mayor from the main attraction in Lamont's new push for tourist dollars - the supposed 'beach' nestled right up against some sluggish stream in the recently dubbed (and highly dubious!) "Pacific Gulch". "Sure, Lamont has been basically obliterated over and over again by that stupid Long Beach because they have an actual beach and a real ocean and all - oh yeah, and they have really nice citizens and - of course, they have stores - oh, and they have high speed internet - but that shocking disparity is about to be a thing of the unfortunate to say nothing of quite embarrassing past! With the opening of 'Lamont Beach' nestled in the beautiful "Pacific Gulch", I just know that we will harvest our share of those folks who are not afraid of being contaminated by "outsiders with all them big city ways" (unlike the typical Lamont area citizen!) and who are looking for a relaxing place to visit as our world basically goes to hell in a hand-basket!" he stammered insanely, using sweeping hand gestures to draw attention to what amounts to some muddy bog slowly flowing thru a less than impressive portion of the forbidding and somewhat hellish wasteland known as the "Scablands"! (The nightmarish Scablands run right next to Lamont - the full length of town - in fact!! - oh yeah, life is fair!)

"Well, I am indeed more than a little embarrassed by my inherent gullibility, but I had to drive out to Lamont to see what all the fuss was about!" said Edgar Fullerton, 56, a Spokane resident. "I, for one, could not believe that any town, let alone one in the Continental USA, could possibly trumpet such an obviously pathetic display of human incompetence supposedly designed to foster actual although limited human enjoyment - but sadly my vain hopes for the better angels of our national nature were dashed to the ground and stomped flat by the outrageous Town of Lamont, who obviously has no compunction against shamelessly marketing a tattered sow's ear as a shiny silk purse. I just want to tell that mayor, whoever he is, and, believe me, I use the term 'mayor' loosely, 'Sir, I have been to Long Beach - and this pitiful excuse for some third rate tourist sideshow is not within a million miles of that relaxing vacation wonderland! (Ouch! That was a little harsh - however well-deserved and true!) As I said, I have been to Long Beach, and you, Lamont, are no Long Beach! And as if I needed any more proof, Lamont has obviously gone well over 100 years with no civic planning whatsoever, while Long Beach is one of the best planned small coastal cities on the entire Pacific seaboard! (Darn Gayle Borchard, the Long Beach City Planner, and her twinkling little eyes, too!!) Shame on you and your cruel ruse to fool the citizenry just looking for some small, relaxing reprieve from their daily grind of toil and woe, sir! Oh yeah, and when I needed to use the public facilities after drinking a double espresso I bought in Cheney, since I heard Lamont does not even have a store, I had to drive to Sprague - 9 miles away!!! What is with that?" he said cruelly, drawing attention to the fact that in 100 years Lamont and the surrounding area never managed the organizational fortitude to put in a public toilet! "Shame on you, Lamont...! May shame infest your municipal fibers like the fleas of 1000 camels! (Okay, some creepy Arabian curse is certainly uncalled for at this juncture!) I now need to take a vacation in Long Beach just to calm myself down and to get the smell of those unfortunate cow byproducts out of my nose and clothes and hair!" he concluded indignantly, as if beating that proverbial dead horse long after municipal rigor mortis had actually set in would do any good at this point!! Oh, when will the world learn that Lamont is Lamont, and they ain't changing for time, tide, and for no man, neither!

Lamont's Favorite Parrot Rescue Person Takes Parrot Rescue Craft To Whole New Level

In a bold move that leaves parrot owners the world over standing their slack jawed with awe and admiration, an area parrot rescue aficionado, a certain Erika of Century West Engineering fame, (AKA - The uber-goddess of efficiency!) has thrown aside convention and has committed herself to what can only be described (by laymen!) as "extreme parrot rescue', insiders report. This said Erika, never one to be shy in the face of almost insurmountable challenges and daunting impossibilities, is no longer satisfied with the more traditional yet decidedly honorable pursuits of rescuing parrots from households who either bit off more than they could chew when it came to acquiring one of the smartest animals in the Good Lord's menagerie and/or had changing life circumstances that no longer allowed for owning this type of magnificent pet - and now Erika desires to 'push the envelope' to the next level, whatever that means! Erika, who at one time had as many as 16 of the forlorn, feathered wonders under her care - saved from lives of misery and despair - (some were received in decidedly tragic states that required a level of love, understanding and compassion that we at the Lamont Blog can hardly fathom!), now wants to boldly go where no parrot rescue person has ever gone before - which, if you ask us, would have seemed to be having 16 parrots in various stages of mental and physical health, but what do we know?

"Well, first off, when I was talking to Erika the other day, she kind of outlined her tentative plans to me, and to be quite honest, the whole discussion left me filled with awe and trepidation" said an area man who once was given a mere parakeet as a kid, with less than flattering results - mainly for the parakeet, poor thing! "Anyway, as we all know, the beaks of the average parrot are in fact strong enough to break a finger with very little effort, should the feathered wonders ever take a mind to do such a thing. But Erika, who has risked various digits over the years, has decided to upgrade to the Hyacinth Macaw, a magnificent specimen with a beak crushing potential of 10,000 pounds of pressure per square inch - a bite similar in power to a hyena and capable of quite easily breaking a human forearm without breaking a sweat, assuming parrots even sweat or whatever! Whoa! What gumption! What spunk! What mastery in the face of almost certain dismemberment! Oh, just hearing her plans made me curl up in the fetal position and whimper like a dadburn school girl or whatever" said the outrageous sissy who is still recovering from that time a bat flew inside the collar of his shirt and it took six men and a mule to hold him down in order to get the poor thing out of there and released unharmed into the wild again!

"Oh yeah, and she was telling me about the time she was bonding with her rambunctious 9 month old baby African Grey (Luna) (African Grey parrots are reported to be as smart as human 5-year-olds) who was having a ball frolicking across her shoulders, down her arms, off the side of her head, where ever the darn aviary adventurer could get a good hold. Anyway, she was sitting there chatting away and the doggone bird charged into her face and stuffed her head into the stunned Erika's obviously occupied mouth... I'm talking Luna's WHOLE head went in there! No joke. Erika thought she just wanted a kiss or to play with her teeth (Editorial Note: Although shocking, it would appear that baby parrots have this huge fascination with teeth. Whoa! How totally unique is that!). So the baby birds head is in Erika's open mouth (talk about gob smacked!) and, well, she obviously couldn't close it... then the doggone thing starts mumbling something while briefly examining Erika's excellent dental work (given Century West's quite excellent employee benefits plan!) with a keen, practiced eye, then it pops its head out, looks at the open-mouthed and totally stunned assemblage with a look of mischievous delight and I'll be derned if the crazy bird didn't begin laughing uproariously! Talk about a loving and understanding person who understands man's role in protecting the animals! (and what a crazy, kooky bird!) Oh, but that whole unsettling story about things that fly all around the place was all a little too much for me, let me tell you" said the annoying whiner while glancing over his shoulder as if expecting another unprovoked and decidedly unwelcome bat attack at any moment! (Oh, be a man already!)

Area Mayor Resorts To 'Extra-Parliamentary' Measures To Ensure Passage Of Latest Largely Meaningless Town Business

(Caution: Reader discretion is advised. Those with sensitive natures or weak stomachs should think twice before reading this article. Thank you!) As many if not most of you know, The Great State of Washington, in their genuine wisdom and forethought, did not extend the right of mayoral veto to the incorporated entities known as 'towns', thus forcing town mayors to use various forms of persuasion and cajoling to push thru ordinances or motions or whatever else it is that towns are supposed to push thru or pass or whatever. Given that towns, by definition, are smaller and obviously not worthy of the much more exalted title of 'City' like that fancy-pants Long Beach or whatever - so to grant one person the power of the veto would devote too much legislative control to one individual, or so the prevailing wisdom goes. (And let's be honest, if you are the Mayor of a town that doesn't even have a store, the less power you have the better! I mean, come on!) Anyway, given this well-founded state of affairs, an area mayor, dusting off some obscure parliamentary maneuver hidden somewhere in the obnoxious Robert's Rules of Order, a book no sane person has ever read, unleashed this procedural 'slight of hand' to exert his will on the unfortunate and luckless Town Council, late Monday.

"Well, the mayor, as is his nature, came up with some hair-brained scheme or idiotic boondoggle or whatever, and I just didn't see the value of it!" said an unnamed Councilperson currently undergoing counseling at an area mental health facility. "So, when I just stood my ground and offered up a compromise measure that would largely gut the insane parts of his proposal while retaining the very small part that actually had limited merit, you know, in the spirit of compromise and all, the next thing I knew, the Mayor bolted up from his chair, cocked one hip, and basically threatened the Council with a full blown display of that abomination of human motion - yes, that God-cursed dance routine known too kindly as 'The Rump Shaker"! Oh, it was so horrid! Just the thought of that unnatural and decidedly un-American monstrosity was enough to make me cave in and capitulate. Anything to spare the Town that level of horror and misery! Oh, I cannot even talk about it. But his threat of unleashing 'The Rump Shaker' on us is 1000 times more devastating than any measly veto could ever be! As long as he holds that unholy whip in his hands, he basically holds the Council at bay and can pretty much push thru whatever the heck he wants to! I'll do anything to avoid exposing my person to that beastly display of human nightmarishness! Oh, anything but that, please! Oh, anything but that!" she sobbed insanely!

"Well, Lamont is a town that plays by the book, so if we get a Councilperson who wants to throw a stick in the spokes from time to time, I really do not feel any compunction against using the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, as expressed by the that insufferably boring and mundane "Robert's Rules of Order' to bust thru those logjams! I believe it was Sir Walter Leadbottom, 3rd Duke of County Derry Aire in England or whatever who first used the threat of 'The Rump Shaker' to pass some land reform bill or whatever the heck they were doing back then - you know, back in the 1600's or whatever. And it was so wildly successful, that that most boring of chroniclers, that Roberts guy, put it in his obscenely tedious book - which means it is fair game for me! Ha! When you have the law and tradition on your side, the world is your oyster!" he crowed triumphantly!

(Editorial Note: This so called dance move - the appropriately named and decidedly sanity destroying "Rump Shaker" is too unnerving and unnatural to describe in great detail here, but rest assured that the avoidance of same can prove to be such a powerful human motivator that basic reason and civic responsibility are quite frequently sacrificed on the alter of self-preservation. This so called 'dance move' should not be attempted in your city/town - let alone practiced in the safe confines of your home - like our stupid mayor does. Use Lamont as an example of how following the letter of the Law can have disturbing and quite unsettling consequences! Thank you!)

Area Mayor Adopts New Town Personae To Help Attract Highly Competitive Pirate Tourist Dollars

The decidedly ocean-less Town of Lamont, long known as a place that no sane tourist would ever willingly go to unless running from the mafia, a mother-in-law or law enforcement itself, jumped with both feet into the highly volatile, some would say cut-throat, world of competing for the relatively small but fast growing market for pirate tourist dollars. "Well, let's be honest here! Beggars cannot be choosers! Arrrrgh!" said an area mayor whose pirate accent somehow sounds more like some dude from Russia or something than it does a real pirate, for Pete's sake. (Oh, how embarrassing!). "I mean, if we don't do something here to attract tourists, and quick, those doggone citizens are going to make me walk the plank or run me up the yardarm, whatever the heck that is! Sure, Lamont is 100 years old and we never managed to put in a public restroom, so that gives you an idea on the basic underlying organization and follow-thru skills that is inherent in the area population for miles around - but to expect miracles in a very short period of time, at least as it relates to tourist dollars, just seems a little unfair, that's all." he sniveled annoyingly.

"I mean, you would have thought that Chicken Little was finally set free and the sky was falling when we got a new dog ordinance. And then we got the water system with fire hydrants galore, which only people in and around Lamont would be against - then we paved roads, and oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied that was deafening - oh yeah, then we got the funding for the library and half the farmers/ranchers within 20 miles had a cow because this town don't need no fancy book learning. And then we modified any number of other antiquated processes and you would think that it was an alien invasion from 'War of the Worlds' or whatever. Believe me, never in the history of western civilization has a population been more adverse to change, but all of a sudden having everyone dress up as pirates so that we could attract a few doubloons of stolen Spanish gold was something that should have happened yesterday? That just seems a little insane to me, that's all. But, being the mayor, I guess we have ignored the will of the people long enough by bringing them kicking and screaming into the early 19th century - so maybe we should throw them a bone and bend to the fickle winds of the citizenry on this pirate thing. Who knows? I just wish there was some Mayor book or whatever. I have tried to talk to other mayors, but they either assume that I am kidding (or insane!) when I try to explain Lamont or they just begin loudly praising the Lord and thanking Him for the towns they serve - well, that is when they do not just hang up on me as soon as I introduce myself!" he expounded pathetically. "How can you be against pavement and libraries but for pirate tourists? Oh, why did I have to get the crazy town when they were handing out mayor assignments? Why couldn't I get one of those cool, hip, groovy towns like Fairfield or Tekoa? And the bad part is, that stupid Long Beach could probably pull off this whole pirate thing without making a fuss at all - given the fact that they have a real ocean and whatnot! Darn that fancy-pants Long Beach and their beady little eyes, too!" he whined, once again sounding more Russian than pirate. I mean, how do you confuse Russian with that whole pirate thing? Something is just really very wrong there!

Entire Town 'Gob Smacked' Upon Learning That Most Of Whitman County's Elective Management Team Will Likely Be Returning To Office!

As many if not most of you know, Whitman County, WA, a surprisingly large county nestled in the beautiful Palouse (But wedged up against Idaho! Hey, no one is perfect!) is one of the best managed and effective Counties in the entire civilized world. This County, although containing the lowly and largely fumbling Town of Lamont, is staffed with some of the most capable and, lets face it, some of the most downright awesome public servants ever to grace a County Courthouse - and thankfully for the citizenry of the County, it would appear that a vast majority of this so-called "A Team" will be running unopposed in the upcoming election in November!

"Well, I got my mail-in ballot in, of all places, the mailbox - and I have to admit that my hands were shaking a little as I opened up the dern thing!" said an area Mayor who hides a tremendous amount of his own professional (and truly shocking!) incompetence by relying on the excellent human resource pool maintained at the County seat in Colfax. "Anyway, as I scanned over the ballot, I realized that a vast majority of the key players who have helped pry Lamont out of the Dark Ages were, if you can believe it, running unopposed! Oh, I could not believe my eyes! First, Sheriff Myers, possibly the most effective law enforcement officer since Elliot Ness gave the mob a kidney punch before slapping on the cuffs or whatever is running unopposed - which is smart because anyone running against him would likely have been thrown into the electoral 'slammer' by the voters! Then I realized the humble yet amazingly effective County Treasurer, Bob Lothspeich, was unopposed, too! Oh, people don't think of County Treasurers much, but when you are math challenged like Lamont is, a man like that is a Godsend! And that 'can-do' County Prosecuting Attorney, Denis Tracy, you know, that awesome individual who helped Lamont with their code enforcement, is unopposed, too! And then I scanned down the ballot and realized that we would be retaining the energetic Michael Largent, the amazing Shirley Bafus, the awesome and versatile Joe Reynolds - and, although we have thankfully not had to call on his services lately, even the quite excellent County Coroner, Pete Martin, is unopposed! Whoa, talk about a dream team! Talk about excellence incarnate brought back to office to help the 2nd smallest town in the State (and smallest in the County!) somehow machete its way out of decades of backwardness and lethargy! Oh, who says our representative form of government doesn't work! Oh yeah, and to top it all off - that most special of electoral gifts was thrown in there, too! Yes, the most awesome State Representative of all time, the only woman we know who has the gumption and verve to actually stay in Lamont for hours on end - that universal role model of excellence - yes, Susan Fagan is unopposed too! How does life and government get any sweeter than that? Oh, things are really shaping up in the good old USA, if you ask me!" he gushed!

(Editorial Note: The only real issue that we at the Lamont Blog found with the ballot was the fact that Lamont's County Commissioner, Greg Partch, was not on there. Greg was obviously elected 2 years ago or something (with a 4 year term), but he does such a fine job in shepherding Lamont, like a patient kindergarten teacher with an unusually naughty 5-year-old, that he deserved to be voted for again, but his name was no where to be found! Somehow that just didn't seem right, that's all! Oh yeah, and we would have liked to have been able to vote for Century West Engineering, too! Sure, they are a corporation and all, but talk about being a key component to Lamont's overall success! Maybe during the next election we can somehow work them in there! They get my vote for best engineering outfit, anyway!)

Area Rancher Claims To Keep Hearing Something "Over Yonder!"

In a strange, sordid tale of mystery and intrigue, an area rancher, Bubba Bodine, 46, swears to everyone who will listen that regardless of where or when he goes out on the ranch, he keeps hearing some strange, almost indescribable noise somewhere just beyond the auditory horizon, whatever that means. These strange and suspect noises, ranging from a gentle rustle to the quite alarming clang of some war drum from the very pits of hell itself, appear to be heard by Mr. Bodine alone, because on the few occasions that someone was actually bored or crazy enough to venture out on the Bodine ranch with him, in every instance they claim in sworn testimony that they never heard anything and that in fact they believe that rancher Bodine is now and always has been crazy as a loon and that any noises that he supposedly hears are the figment of his quite fertile although twisted imagination - or quite possibly they are the pathetic cries for help from a tortured soul just not suited for the 20th century, let alone the 21st.

"Well, I had to go out to the Bodine spread to see if some of my cows somehow 'mysteriously' ended up in their pens again, as seems to happen just about this time of year for some dern reason - and anyway, we were headed down towards Cow Patty Gulch when he just started jabbering "Did you hear that? Did you hear that?" said Festus Festoon, an area fellow rancher and the unfortunate neighbor of the sticky-fingered Bodine brood. "Sure, I had been hitting the sauce that day, but that don't usually affect my hearing none - but I'll be dadburned if I heard a thing! All I could hear was the gentle rustle of the breeze and 'Old Lady Snopes' screeching at her pitiable husband from their ranch 5-6 miles away! Nothing out of the ordinary, as they say. But Buster got all panicked-looking and began frantically jerking his head back and forth like he was trying to tune in on the so-called noise - without much success I should add. I mean, I felt bad for the man. Sure, if I had to live his largely meaningless life and tend that worthless bunch of cows he has, I guess I might be inclined to try to spice up my life with imaginary noises and romantic interludes with the Sirens of the Palouse and all of that, but I'll be durned if it didn't give me the creeps having to watch it and all. That whole thing was just kinda spooky, if you ask me" he said pensively.

Mayor Signs Sweeping Emergency Decree Placing Entire Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) On Decaf

In a determined measure to curb the decidedly scatological and cantankerous energies of the area citizenry who seem hell-bent on getting into a snit for any dern reason whatsoever, an area Mayor, using a largely unknown clause in the now famous Homeland Security Act designed to deter terrorism and other acts of human foolishness, banned all coffee that packs a punch in a 20 mile radius of the Town, late Tuesday. This draconian measure, which even extends to Folgers brand coffee, a watery coffee blend with only the slightest hint of actual coffee flavor and aroma (and thus a big favorite around here!), has civil rights groups and donut eaters all up in arms for miles around, thus making them even more inclined to cause a 'redneck-like' ruckus at the drop of a hat, for Pete's sake!

"Well, Lamont is a powder keg at the best of times, but you get people from the outlying areas come traipsing in here when they have had too much time on their hands and combine those unholy energies with that serpent's tooth-like venom of the dreaded coffee bean and you have all the makings for the doggone 'Jerry Springer Show', for crying out loud!" said the perky elected official who somehow ended up as the mayor of a small, isolated hamlet right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere! (Or, as we like to optimistically think of it - right in the middle of everything!) "I mean, when you have a bunch of folks who are jittery and potentially unstable in the first place and you commingle a mild stimulant - well, all I can say is that is just a recipe for disaster, that's all! Whoa! Sure, that coffee ban does make waking up at 3:00 AM every day to begin my quite extensive and comprehensive mayoral duties a little challenging, but when you have the civic-minded orientation that I do and the undying love of the citizenry, that is as good as any double espresso I ever had! Sometimes government service is not only its own reward, but it can get the endorphins firing like a string of firecrackers, too!" he gushed.

"Well, that whole dern coffee thing is just a plain abuse of governmental power, if you ask me!" said Goober Snopes, an area farmer/rancher and a big fan of the Jerry Springer Show. "Heck, I know for a fact that in the Constitution or Magna Carta (pronounced 'Mag-ner Car-ter') or whatever that document is that tells us that we can just do any dern thing we want without fear of any consequences - that a man has the right to gulp down a pot or two and go disrupt just about anything that they dern well please! Weddings, baptisms, romantic dinners at a complete stranger's house, Lamont Town Hall Meetings, you name it! It don't matter what it is! I know I have the right to turn just about any gathering I attend into the Jerry Springer Show - and what's so bad about that, anyway? Jerry has helped a lot of people over the years! Sure, there is a lot of hair pulling, cussing, chair throwing, snarling and people bursting into tears left and right, but that is a small price to pay given all the lives he has changed and all the divorces he has helped bring about! The man is a doggone American icon, for crying out loud - so if I want to run around imitating the crowd and guests of such a great man, I just don't see why anyone would take exception to that. Plus, acting like an uncivilized maniac also allows me to skirt that whole 'responsibilities' part of being a citizen! That responsibility thing must have been some carry-over from those dern Redcoats or whoever it was that we took this stupid country from or whatever. What the heck did they know, anyway? And what grown man wears red, for Pete's sake? (Well, Santa does! So I guess it is coal in your stocking AGAIN this year!) This is America and I have the right to act uncouth and uncultured when and where I dern well please, and you just try to stop me!" he stammered triumphantly, somehow forgetting about that fine Whitman County Sheriff's Department!

(Editorial Note: Thankfully, this is not in fact true. Although the Town meeting has oftentimes come to loosely resemble the 'Jerry Springer Show' as of late, (although Jerry's people would more than likely turn down half the folks small towns potentially deal with because of their general unbelievability as 'real life' characters! Oh, were we only Mayberry, indeed!) a recent legal brief from the best small town lawyer in the State, Cindy McMullen, (Oh, do we ever love her!!!) in fact shed some light on the extensive powers of the town to throw the jabbering rabble-rousers and disruptive scoff-laws out of the assemblage (after due warning(s), of course!) at no legal risk to the Town - given the often under-appreciated and quite necessary "Open Public Meetings Act" that ensures public access to but not unsolicited public participation in these legally mandated meetings. Oh, when the law is on your side, it is sweet indeed! Now if we just had an official town dog who could unceremoniously drag the perps out by the trouser leg, that would just be too darn awesome! A Town can dream, can't it?) (And remember, before you go throwing folding chairs, your spouse and/or your toupee at the Lamont Blog, this is a parody, people! Any similarities between individuals described above and any real person who ever attended a Town meeting is marginally coincidental - but what man can tell what the future holds?! Stay tuned, folks! This could get interesting!! The natives are restless!)

Lamont Declares New "Public Enemy Number One" - Gayle Borchard - That Doggone Long Beach City Planner!!

After years of thrashing about, throwing bombastic temper tantrums, naval gazing to the point of blindness and, of course, wailing and gnashing of teeth, the lowly Town of Lamont, having failed miserably in it's blood feud competition with the charming, well-managed and disturbingly delightful City of Long Beach, WA has decided to devote their quite considerable energies to attacking one of the key elements of Long Beach's success - the outrageously under-appreciated and darn capable City Planner of the town of Lamont's ultimate nemesis - yes, the very annoying City of Long Beach itself!! Lamont, lacking any coherent town planning effort whatsoever, cannot help but feel that the whole linchpin of their hideous and quite embarrassing defeat at the hands of a vacation wonderland nestled on the best doggone ocean in the whole dern world is, in no small part, to be laid at the feet of the one person who has been able to systematically keep all the pieces moving together into what is arguably now one well-oiled machine of municipal excellence. (Well, to be honest, compared to Lamont, that is indeed a relative statement - although Long Beach seems to have attained a stature and preeminence well beyond the decidedly embarrassing and profoundly minuscule standards set by the second smallest town in the State).

"Well, I realized that we have been barking up the wrong tree, going after the whole City of Long Beach and all" said the suddenly invigorated and perky mayor. "I mean, sure, attempting to undermine the whole City of Long Beach proved to be a dismal, humiliating failure, so it is only natural to attempt to pick off the one person who plays such a pivotal role in their doggone success! Without a coherent and effective planning function, things will just naturally begin to bog down - believe me, I am the Mayor of Lamont and we have almost 100 years of experience with this disregard for planning - so, it may take a while, but if we can somehow minimize Gayle and/or encourage her to take a job in Oregon or something, before we know it Lamont cannot help but look better in comparison. It is so doggone obvious now! Their dadburn planning function is the magic bullet that enabled some largely indistinct town that was blessed by the very Hand of the Lord with some of the best geography in the whole USA to shine so brightly in comparison to the tarnished, lackluster, decidedly underachieving hulk that is the Town of Lamont! Why didn't I think of this stupid strategy before! (picture him bonking his forehead like it was a 'V-8' moment or something!) That doggone Gayle Borchard must take a dive (and we don't mean in that beautiful, relaxing, seafood-filled Pacific Ocean, either!) in order for Lamont to ever have a chance in what we all agree is a life-long mission to reach relative parity with that doggone Long Beach!" he sniveled insanely! "Oh, it would be like the Germans in WWII somehow convincing General Eisenhower to suddenly move to Bermuda or whatever right before the D-Day invasion! Just think how differently things might have turned out then!" said the elected official who pretty much deserves to spend a decade or two in a rubber room or something! "Oh, Lamont cannot ever hope to succeed when our adversaries have such an excellent roster of human talent right at their very fingertips! We must succeed, whatever the cost - whatever the effort! We will fight them in the skies, we will fight them on the beaches, (Ah, Lamont doesn't have a beach! That is the original problem, remember?) we will fight them...." he rambled on, causing Winston Churchill to turn over in his grave with a groan tinged with pity, disgust and annoyance at being so poorly quoted by such an obvious raving lunatic! (Oh yeah, life is fair! Why does our Mayor have to be so doggone insane? Why can't Tekoa or Spangle or whatever be stricken with such overwhelming mayoral mental instability rushing headlong into the loving arms of downright certifiable lunacy, for crying out loud! Oh, why is it always us? (Or should that be 'we'? Darn English language!) Why must Lamont always be the dadburn canary in the municipal coal mine in this State? Oh, why must we always dive headlong where any normal, sane, rational town (with actual stores!!!) would fear to tread? Oh, true leadership is lonely, indeed!)

Area Elf Population Launches Desperate Local Literacy Campaign To Head Off Another Disastrous Mishap During "Elk Hunting" Season

The area elf population, decidedly jittery at the best of times, had bees in their little bonnets when it was realized that the annual "Elk Hunting" season was right around the corner and that their founding elf fathers, in a fit of short-sighted madness, (Oh, hindsight is always so 20-20! And what about the town founding fathers and their bright idea to place the town of Lamont all the way out here? Where is their scorn and ridicule?) decided to develop their little elf colony in a region that, how might one say it, well, that can't spell worth a dern hoot and one that seems to be unnaturally disposed to firearms of any kind. (Heck, who needs a book when you can just as easily kill something for no dern reason whatsoever?) Although there is a shocking visual similarity between the seldom used but decidedly whimsical sounding word "elf" and the much more guttural sounding and grunt-like "elk", these two words, in fact, describe two very different critters, and let's face it, one of them tastes a whole lot better than the other and doesn't have to be all smothered with ketchup or A-1 sauce or whatever in order to force the mess down. (Although we did hear that soaking 'elf' in buttermilk over night helps cut down on some of the ranginess - although it doesn't do a darn thing for that whole 'stringy" problem. Plus, one gets a lot more poundage of meat per bullet with that word that ends with the letter "K").

"Well, I drove into Lamont to see what the heck was going on and to cast decidedly disgusted looks at whoever was out and about at that particular time, and the whole dern town just seemed to be plastered with these cute little flyers somehow trying to draw a distinction between the letter 'F' and the letter 'K', for some dern reason!" said Dodo Festoon, an area farm wife and notorious busybody and snoot-bag. "Well, I was never very good with all that fancy book learning which is why I am dead set against Lamont getting that doggone new library with all them fancy words and all, but even I know the difference between a 'K' and an 'F'! (She should! Half the words out of her husband's mouth begin with one of them!!!) Oh yeah, and there was some little picture on the dern flyer that had this little guy in yellow tights with these cute little Spock-like ears waving his arms in panic or whatever with a drawing of a gun pointing at him with this big red circle with a line thru it or whatever, but who can ever figure out what the heck that is supposed to mean! Them signs is probably one of them 'big city ways' that that dern mayor is trying to bring in here along with all that pavement and them sidewalks and all of those other trappings of the devil, so I didn't pay it no never mind! Anyway, I didn't think that there were any more elves in these parts after those Bodine boys got a little carried away with all that beer they supposedly 'found' on the side of the road and got a little 'trigger happy' last year. But what do I care! I saw that darn town has a new BBQ grill in the park and that is enough for me to fret over and gossip about for the next 12 weeks! The nerve of that town going and making things all fancy! That just ain't right!" she fumed while stomping her size 13 foot on what was just seconds before the now rare remains of an actual functioning mole hole. (Oh, that poor mole! Just imagine the horror from its little subterranean point of view! Yikes! No animal deserves that, even ones that make your yard look like the surface of the doggone moon! Having survived the cat counterattack only to fall prey to Dodo Festoon's snow-shoe sized footwear! That just ain't right! Where is PETA when you need them?)

"Well, being the mayor of a town that doesn't place much of a premium on learning in general and spelling in particular does have its unique challenges, let me tell you, but to be honest, I have so many other issues related to that whole educationally contrarian thing around here that I just don't really have the bandwidth to address that tragic yet somewhat ironic elf/elk debacle, for Pete's sake! (Oh, could it be because of his supposed business idea to market "Elf Brand" "supposedly beef" jerky to unsuspecting Lamont tourists?) (Editorial Note: This idea never got off the ground because in the last 50 years Lamont has only had 3 tourists - and two of them were mountain climbers drawn to the town because of the highly misleading name, for Pete's sake! Lamont INDEED! Oh yeah, and the third wayward soul was, as it turns out, somewhat legally insane - or that is what some guy in a white lab coat said, anyway, when they came to haul him away!) It ain't like I don't care about those dern chattering elves or nothing but I have more pressing issues like everyone within 15 miles thinking every article in the town's newsletter was specifically written to somehow humiliate them and so thus they have no choice but to swear out a blood oath curse primarily focused at my ultimate and hopefully prolonged destruction! (Oh, like we needed that stupid newsletter in order to do that!) My advice to them dern elves is to stay put, remain in their little underground homes with those cute little round doors and just listen to stories from Gandalf the Wizard or whatever until the hunting season comes to its inevitable end!!" said the nincompoop who doesn't even know the difference between elves and hobbits, for crying out loud! Oh, no wonder Lamont is in the mess that it is in! Oh, maybe there really is no hope at all! Next thing you know he will be confusing those hard working yet somewhat cranky area dwarves with them dern whimsical, devil-may care pixies out by the Pott's place or whatever. When will the madness ever end then? Oh, good electoral help is just so dern hard to find these days!