Nov 3, 2008

Local Ranchers Demand Reforms After Tragic 9-Cow Pile-Up Occurs At Area Ranch

Area ranchers are up in arms after a tragic yet preventable accident occured in the largely unregulated and dangerously overburdened "cattle shoot" segment of the US transportation system, late Tuesday. "Well, this is outrageous!!" said Festus Martin - area rancher, wheat farmer and 'Scrabble' enthusiast. "We pay all these taxes to the government and place the hopes and safety of our herds in their hands and it seems like the least they could do is properly fund and staff our nation's "Cow Traffic Controllers', for Pete's sake. What is this - some sort of third-world nation where cows are no more than beasts of burden? We just can't have a bunch of American cows running amok and crashing into each other as they go for their yearly shots before being sent out to winter pasture. I can see that happening in countries like Ethiopia, Chad or Canada - but not in the good old USA!" said the grieving rancher. "What if there had been calves present? Where is the government when you need them most?" he fumed. "Someone needs to be held accountable!!"

Although the case is still under investigation, sources close to the Administration are saying that early indications point to some sort of software glitch or computer malfunction and a crack team of computer nerds with few if any social skills are being rushed to the scene to begin a preliminary investigation. "Well, this is one of the hazards of living in the computer age and relying on the whims of technology" said Thurston Marshall - Assistant Director of the Livestock Logistics Administration. "Although we have redundant systems across our networks, there is always a slim chance of a tragic meltdown. The only thing we can do is diagnose the problem, fix it and be more vigilant." said the puzzled pencil-pusher. "Our deepest sympathies go out to the herd during this difficult, trying time" he said.

2 comments:

eL33Td00d said...

Hey d00d, like I'm 1 of th0se n3rds, & I rezent that cr@ck 'bout n0 s0c1aL skillz. I got like mad skillz, man. ANd almost like 37 fr13nds on "City of Heroes" that I g0 oN mi$$i0n$ with, so d0n'T be dissin' m3 lik3 th@t 'n' stuf. K?

The Coalition for a Better Tomorrow with Cows said...

This is the legacy of the Bush administration. When Obama takes office, cows will be nationalized. Any rancher who resists the effort will be visited by shaggy looking coalition volunteers chanting "Cows! Cows! Cows!"

As part of the "Spreading The Manure" initiative, cows will be redistributed to all people equally. Bart Simpson's slogan "Don't Have A Cow" will be officially changed to "Have A Cow". The cowless (pronounced "coals" in Spokane) will find their lives more cowful with their new pet. There will be cows living in New York City apartments, in condos along the Spokane River, and yes, right downtown in Lamont where the local raccoon population will be tricking them into getting trapped in cages while the raccoons eat all the cat food.

It won't be all rosy udders and contented cud for the dairy population, however; cows will not have guns. Cows who thought the song "Cows With Guns" meant Generation Heifer would be properly armed have been misled. Especially depressed over the news will be the cows in Idaho who thought Walt Minnick's promise that guns would not be taken away included cows with guns.

Residents who have never lived among Heifer-Americans are urged to think of her as a BBC roommate (big, beautiful cow), or possibly an extra large cat with coarse fur. At least there won't be any noise ordinance violations, because cows know how to keep their voices low.