Nov 25, 2009

Inevitable Parrot Backlash Sweeps Town After 'Parrot Proponents' Go 'A Bit Too Far'

In a classic example of the fickle 'ebb and flow' of public opinion, the unusual amount of positive parrot press that has inundated the airways of the Town of Lamont (sadly, the normally fair-minded yet modest Lamont Blog must shoulder some of this well-deserved criticism!) is producing the very opposite desired effect - driving even seemingly relatively positive parrot people and those inevitable 'parrot fence sitters' into feeling that maybe parrots 'ain't all that'! "Well, I like pirate stories a lot, and have since I was a kid - and who can imagine real, manly, swashbuckling pirates without some meddlesome, rapscallion-like parrot making hilarious, insightful quips all the time from the peg-leg's shoulder as they are making some poor innocent damsel walk the plank to the waiting sharks below or keelhauling some scruffy scallywag for drinking the last of the grog, for Pete's sake?" said Gomer Festoon, 57, an area farmer/rancher and purported pirate enthusiast. "So, of course, I would have naturally fallen into the 'early adopter' demographic category when this whole 'parrot craze' swept through the town like a wildfire - but after hearing their virtues extolled hour after hour, day after day, I just began to think to myself - something ain't right here! It reminded me of how the mainstream media treated Obama during the election - although I did truly enjoy it when they really stuck it to Hillary! But then I got to thinking that in their all too frequent 'screech modes' both Hillary and the average parrot sound almost identical - so I was forced to rethink what I had gotten myself into, doggone it! But then I had to come to grips with the idea of pirates without parrots - but that does indeed leave this world a sadder, less colorful place. I almost resent even having to make this choice! I never thought I would say this, but there might be such a thing as "too much parrot!!" said the obviously saddened and visibly shaken man.

"Well, this is the very pinnacle of 'parrotism' and 'parrot-o-phobia' that does nothing but divide this great nation and serves to pit one animal group against another" said Thurston Oglethorpe, III, a National Association of Parrots (NAP) spokesperson. "So, no one ever decries all of the dog and cat stories that surround us from dawn to dusk because those animals are 'establishment' and 'mainstream' (not to mention having the right number of legs!) and are referenced any number of times in the bible, but as soon as some exotic, tropical, outrageously colorful animal comes squawking on the scene, people tend to clam up and just politely turn away. I thought our nation was past this sort of bigotry! Didn't our Founding Fathers so clearly lay down the rights of all living things? Well, what starts with the largely misunderstood parrot will end when all animal choice freedoms are denied us. Sure, I can understand discriminating against a disgusting, foul-smelling iguana or the nightmarishly horrifying 'Madagascar Jumping Spider' (the size of a dinner plate and as agile as a bat!) - those things are really quite unsettling - but a good old, all-American parrot is something to embrace. They are the very symbol of diversity in this color-starved world, for Pete's sake! Plus, if you save all those loose feathers they seem to always be shedding you can make your own pillows!" (after about 15 years!) said Oglethorpe unconvincingly.

"Oh, it is just so dadburn funny when those crazy parrots repeat things that the pirate says at exactly the wrong time! That just cracks me up!" chimed in Gomer again (who just can't seem to leave the interview for some reason - despite several less than subtle cues!) while doing his now-famous 'hey look, I have a fake wooden leg' imitation while holding his snuff can up as a makeshift eye patch. "Come to think of it, parrots are just about the only thing that helps humanize those bloodthirsty, murderous, sociopathic, totally amoral pirates, doggone it. Maybe we need to keep the parrots around after all. I mean, who wants to be seen supporting the 'Ted Bundy' of the high seas? That would just be kind of wrong!" he concluded introspectively before following the now slightly annoyed correspondent back to his car while singing that "Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum" song a little more than slightly out of key. (and with more than a glint of madness in his red-rimmed, beady little eyes!)

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