Nov 15, 2009

Town Of Lamont Hits 'The Big Time' After A Brief Yet Memorable "Wiener-Mobile" Visit

In what is a fulfillment of every small town's seemingly impossible dream, the Town of Lamont is bursting with pride after a 'mobile delivery vehicle' (MDV) for a famous hotdog manufacturer developed a flat tire and was forced to spend almost 27 minutes in the 2nd smallest town in the State, late Tuesday. The so-called 'wiener mobile', manned with a daring crew of 2 (one a 'Vehicle Operations Technician' and the other a "Hotdog Delivery Engineer") immediately piled out of the space-age-like vehicle and hurried to change the tire that had somehow run over a piece of barbed wire or something. "Well, when I looked out the window and saw that dern thing, I immediately assumed that those pesky aliens had invaded the earth again and I hollered to my husband Bert to run and get his squirrel gun so he could defend my honor as a fine example of one alluring 'Earth woman' at the peak of her charms" said Thelma Festoon, 62, a less-than-charming area farm wife and outrageous gossip/troublemaker. "By the time my good-for-nothing husband was finally able to drag his largely-worthless (and overly large!) carcass off the couch in order to face those space aliens 'mano-a-mano" or whatever that expression is when you are fighting a cantankerous space invader hellbent on global destruction - a rabble of citizens (including Flem Snopes, Festus Bodine, Prentiss Festoon, Rebecca Blat and Jeb Jarvish) had gathered around the 'other worldly craft' and were grunting and making feeble hand gestures at the dumb-founded 'astronauts' or whatever they were - like it was just an everyday thing! (that highly efficient Erika of Century West Engineering fame with that infernal, too-smart-by-half, know-it-all African Grey Parrot on her shoulder was also 'on scene' trying vainly to wrest order out of the chaos, but eventually just wandered away, despairing over cultural disunity in general - regardless of its worldly origins!) It was all very bizarre and kind of disappointing, really. I ain't seem my husband (whose nickname is 'Killer'!) in a good scrap since we were in high school - and even then he got his rear-end whooped but good - and by a girl, no-less!" she said gleefully and with only a tinge of residual shame.

After greeting the local lifeforms wearily (and enduring what to them had to seem like that 'bar scene' from the 1st Star Wars movie!) and quickly changing the tire (with no assistance from the 'work-shy' townsfolk whatsoever, needless to say) the 'visitors' made a brief yet doomed attempt to sell a few of the obviously enticing sausage-like delicacies from beyond the solar system, but given that Lamont is one of the cheapest towns in North America (and there was no small amount of confusion over currency conversion rates with a foreign world - given that that involves the use of math!) not a single hotdog was sold and the weary yet relieved travelers cheerfully drove off down the road to "destinations unknown' (no doubt mumbling numerous prayers to whatever pagan deities they worship in their far-flung galaxy!) and vowed to have the remaining tires checked after returning to their "Mother Ship" so that frightening and 'other-worldly' incidents like this do not occur again anytime soon - given that this 'hotdog gig' is just a temporary job to help pay for college, for Pete's sake, and is not worth this kind of culture shock! (Editorial Note: That so-called 'wiener mobile' was quite impressive looking on Lamont's new roads - courtesy of the TIB and Century West Engineering! Much better in fact than those flatbed pickup trucks that seem to be all the rage now - for whatever reason.)

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