Nov 28, 2009

Experts Predict Little To No Population Decrease For Lamont In Upcoming Rapture

In a bold prediction that is welcome news for the cash challenged, underachieving, 2nd smallest Town in the state, an impressive body of biblical scholars, clergy, sociologists and criminal justice professionals unanimously predicted that current growth trends for Lamont will continue their modest upward pattern or will hold steady even if apocalyptic catastrophe and end-of-the-world-like calamities decimate the planet as a whole. The rapture, a relatively new (popularity-wise) theological concept, postulates that the 'pious faithful' will be whisked from the Earth in the early stages of the anti-Christ's (aka 'The beast") reign in the final stages of a global power struggle between the victorious forces of Light and those annoying, pesky, obviously highly resourceful and never-say-die 'forces of darkness' from the very Pit itself.

"Well, Lamont is Lamont, but we are just glad that there can be a certain degree of stability in the population variables that are so vital to long term resource planning" said the obviously relieved and thankful Mayor. "Sure, we are so small and disorganized that we don't now do any long-term strategic planning, but if we did so, that whole 'sudden, traumatic population decrease thing' would really throw our numbers into Purgatory itself" he said humbly, never one to pass up on being thankful for an obvious blessing from above. "I know that well over half of the Town runs around 'self-congratulating' themselves and sticking a thumb in the eye of their neighbors because they will be the 'chosen elect' and will thus miss that whole 'fire from Heaven', 'terrible plague' and 'water to blood' phase of end time prophesy - but our water was so bad before Century West came in and did what they do best to get us a new water system, I am hard pressed to think of any town in the USA more psychologically suited to soldier on through the ravages of a hideous global catastrophe of biblical proportions" he said proudly.

"Lamont is living proof of the old adage 'What does not kill us makes us stronger'. Plus, that news will come as quite a shock to some and will be a source of glee for the rest - but that is what the smug self-selected get, I guess - and I am sure certain individuals will come up with some new mechanism or fad so that they can feel superior to their neighbors and have someone to feel sorry for and thus look down upon. It happens all the time" he stammered, wearily walking back to the office (that doesn't even have a bathroom! Talk about hell - especially after a couple cups of coffee!) where he has every intention of continuing to not do any long term resource planning whatsoever. Why mess up a good thing? Plus, what do the experts know, anyway? On a happy note, this lack-of-rapture-related population stability is Lamont's best chance to move from the highly embarrassing "2nd smallest Town in the State" category to at least number 3 or maybe even number 4 or 5. (Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's population!) "I just hope those other small towns that are in striking distance are a lot more pious and faithful than we are. That would be so awesome to be able to crow that we are now the 3rd smallest Town in the State! Then no one could carp about what a bad Mayor I am! HA!" he said dreamily, gazing starry-eyed off into the murky, unseen mysteries of any number of potential future outcomes!

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