Nov 22, 2009

Paper Towel Roll Saves Area Woman After Peeved Parrot Goes On Rampage Over Last Remaining Peanut (based on a true story!)

A mysterious and as yet unnamed area woman (whose demographic profile is shockingly similar to Erika of Century West Engineering fame!) was actually threatened with attack and literally chased into a corner of her spacious, semi-tropical, Spokane-area abode by a surly Moluccan Cockatoo (Cacatua moluccensis) early Saturday, after basic parrot protocols were not observed and the lone remaining peanut (still in the shell) was offered to another parrot with less social standing and prestige within the flock or gaggle or herd or whatever it is that parrots are called when they group together. Tensions, having simmered throughout the day, reached near boiling point several times, most notably after the unfortunate 'parrot patron' served the cranky cockatoo a combined dish of diced fruits and vegetables while every civilized person with 'half a lick of sense' knows that that discerning breed of bird prefers to be served those delicacies separately (on separate plates!) fruit first, if you please. "Well, when this all started brewing, I had become annoyed with him following me around, nipping at my heels and making one heck of a racket for no apparent reason!" said Erika - Ah, I mean 'the unnamed parrot owner'. (parrots, like elephants, are known to hold a grudge - and have very, very long memories - especially on matters of pride and social standing - and yes, ironically - both have a thing for peanuts)

"Sure, although I work with engineers all day long and should have built up a seemingly limitless tolerance by now, even my Herculean patience can come to an end at some point, so it was high time for him to go to his cage for a little 'time-out!' So away we went and up the door he climbed. (somewhat reluctantly, it must be noted!) Well, it was at this point that I made the unspeakable blunder and leaned over to give another parrot in the same cage the last peanut in the house. (Where is PETA when you need them! How awful!) Upon seeing this, the crazed cockatoo leaped off his door and attached himself firmly to my upper torso, wings flapping to beat all I ever saw! Well, after a spontaneous (and shockingly robust!) stream of decidedly salty words spewed forth from my somewhat reluctant and largely unaccustomed lips (being a family friendly blog, we dare not repeat them here - although rumor has it that every navy in the world stood up and took notice of this shockingly admirable display of 'oath-oriented' wordsmithery - the likes of which has not been seen since Blackbeard sailed the Seven Seas!), I gently smacked him on his little bird tushy (with the handy, above-referenced (and padded!) 'paper towel roll'!) and he promptly although somewhat reluctantly disengaged from the general area of my jugular and dropped gracefully to the floor, bellowing (in true mother-in-law-like fashion!) with righteous outrage and indignation" said the paramour of Parrotdom! "Well, being granted this seemingly Heaven-sent reprieve, I allowed my guard to drop for the briefest of instances - only to have the winged hellion leap up at me with eyes blazing and wings spread in order to herd me cowering into the corner of the room where he could hopefully finish me off! Thankfully, I was still feebly clutching at what was left of the roll of paper towels (always kept handy for cleaning up 'certain messes' - you know how those parrots are - no sense of aim or direction! Almost as bad as the average husband!) to defend my person with. I am not sure I ever felt so alone and vulnerable! I have always been loyal to Bounty Paper Towels, although, in moments of weakness, I have been known to buy an off-brand from time to time!" she admitted disjointedly, somehow losing the gist of the subject entirely!! (at least the interesting parts!)

So, after a brief self-examination to make sure that the hapless human victim of peanut-rage was still 'corpus-intactus' and disingenuously threatening the little devil with another 'half-hearted spanking' with the now-bent roll of paper towels, and croaking out any number of hoarse, feeble-sounding 'NO, NO, NO's!!', the "Maid-Marion-Like Damsel-in-Distress' was able to reassert her somewhat shaken (most would say decidedly tarnished!) 'alpha status' and was able to get the angry aviary back into his cage. (much to the horrified chagrin of the poor, innocent, minding-his-own-business parrot in the same cage that got handed the last, cursed peanut only several startling seconds before!) "Well, it was only after I got the brooding beast back in his cage that I then noticed his untouched food and realized why the berserk buzzard was so upset with me!" she said with genuine regret and guilt while wiping away a tear! "I mean, how could I try to give him veggies and fruits all mixed together? How did I forget that he likes his fruit and veggies separate and not just dumped 'any old way' in his pellet dish? (Editorial Note: I mean come on, what a rookie mistake! Even the average Lamont dog owner never known for their animal insights knows that much about the mercurial dietary preferences of the Moluccan Cockatoo!!) So, once I fixed the little food presentation problem all was well in Parrot-Land again and peace reigned in the house (for about 15 minutes, given that more than a dozen parrots reside there - and rumors about the 'last peanut incident' spread quickly amongst the shameless, feathered gossips!!) - although the unfortunate parrot who received (and eagerly ate!) the last peanut in the house had to endure the 'stink-eye' from the crazy and still brooding cockatoo, and was forced to walk on eggshells for several hours after the woman/bird altercation concluded! Thankfully for everyone involved, no further disturbances were reported at that address until right about dinnertime, that is - since no one bothered to drive in the snow to pick up more peanuts from Pets-Mart, for goodness sake! The lowly Lamont Blog once again proves that truth can indeed be stranger than fiction! (especially if there is a parrot in the mix, doggone it!) (Note: Any reference to 'salty language' or 'pirate-like parlance' was for dramatic literary effect and color only and is not necessarily representative of actual events! Plus, one has to be careful what one says around a parrot, for Pete's sake! The little monsters just love to repeat things, don't they just?)

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