Dec 9, 2009

Breaking News: Giant Squid Washes Up In Long Beach While Still Nothing Of Interest Happens In Lamont!

In yet another staggering blow to the already tattered and teetering self esteem of the 2nd smallest Town in the State, the Mayor was forced for the third time this month to lower the flag to half mast after he learned that a really cool aquatic sea-predator of enormous size washed up on the beach in the appropriately named "City of Long Beach, WA" like that was some sort of regular occurrence but during that same timeframe the only thing of interest that happened in Lamont was that Wilber Festoon opened a bottle of Pepsi and won $1.00 in some 'bottle cap' contest or another. "Darn their eyes! When will someone relieve me of that troublesome Long Beach!" bellowed the Mayor to no one in particular. "Talk about attention hogs! Isn't it enough that they live in a virtual paradise and people actually want to come and visit their town? What are they called? - tourists or something - heck, if we ever got a tourist I feel certain that the whole town would come boiling out just to give the unfortunate traveler one of those 'Stink Eyes' we reserve for 'foreign things that scare us!'". But no, Long Beach has to have really cool "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" creatures come 'a-callin', too! Oh, how can we ever compare to that?" he said while shaking his near-frost bitten fist at the sky.

Never one to be outdone, the Mayor immediately called the Town stalwart and friend "Century West Engineering" to begin emergency planning for a giant 'living' squid washing up in Lamont and shamelessly attacking the citizenry (proving once again that squid ain't all bad!!). "Well, I got that highly efficient Erika on the phone and tried to explain our imminent peril to her, but all she could say was that we were hundreds of miles from the ocean and our risk of a giant squid attack was negligible to the point of non-existence! Talk about naive!" he fumed. "Sure, being surrounded by cow pastures and wheat fields for miles around, by definition, shelters us somewhat from the ravages of mythical sea creatures hell-bent on our destruction, but if any town was to ever be attacked by some devil-inspired Leviathan or kraken or whatever, rest assured that it would be Lamont! Our town just seems to attract that sort of thing! But I could not get her to budge on the 'squid menace' although she did have some handy suggestions on a new 'emergency communication' system for the town. But how can we ever excel over Long Beach unless we are faced with the same scourges that they face? People would laugh at us if we were attacked by some huge cow or sheep that came washing up on some shore that we don't even have! So, once again, Long Beach out does us without even trying! 'Darn their eyes!' is all I have to say" said the Mayor before limping back inside in a vain attempt to ward off frostbite after spending almost 12 minutes out of doors.

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