Dec 23, 2009

Amazing Anthropological Discovery: Ancient Lamont Town Building Was Indeed Supplied With Running Water, After All!

In a staggering discovery of profound historical and cultural import (but with surprisingly few real world ramifications), the official Town archeologists, after sifting thru the shockingly abundant accumulated strata of the ages, discovered that the Lamont Town Building, contrary to well-established legend and popular myth/lore, does indeed have a lone water spigot under the roof of the existing building that is being used by the Whitman County Fire District # 5. The recently discovered water source, nestled in a corner of what is believed to have once been 'the ambulance bay' and camouflaged inside some old water-tank-looking-thing or whatever, (and buried under numerous haphazardly strewn, as-yet-to-be-identified 'artifacts'!) did indeed, in spite of its antiquity, flow forth with the life enhancing liquid when what appears to be some primitive knob was turned in the proper direction. (yes, even primitive cultures used that whole 'clockwise - counter-clockwise' thing!) "Well, I'll be derned!" said the amazed Mayor upon witnessing the water-fountain-like demonstration from a bygone era. "I have been the Mayor for almost 4 years (thus bringing his sanity and judgment into question in a most profound way!) and ever since I was sworn in I have been told repeatedly by multiple 'town people in the know' that the building always lacked that essential life-giving element that covers over 60% of the planet. (Water is in fact 'a compound' and not 'an element', but basic scientific knowledge was never a prerequisite for the Mayor's position, or so it would seem!) I did find this more than a tad ironic given that the Fire District itself rents that space from us and they, by definition, need to use water; but this is Lamont so those sort of things are to be expected, I guess" he said. "It was only natural to assume that since the ancient building was not built with a bathroom (although rudimentary plumbing was rumored to exist at the time!) that our underachieving and less-than-far-sighted and/or technology challenged 'founding fathers' or 'town builders' or whoever they were failed to put in basic water infrastructure, too. Well, that assumption appears to be wrong; very, very wrong, (this does indeed change the very nature of our assumptions about the largely misunderstood civilization that formed the teetering foundation of the "Modern Lamont!) and I am afraid that all of those textbooks about prehistoric Lamont will now have to be rewritten based on this startling new discovery" he said gravely. "I just have to wonder about what other primary assumptions we have been incorrect on! Oh, it is just so easy to underestimate those shockingly primitive civilizations that came before us! How do we know for certain that an actual ancient bathroom does not in fact exist - maybe tucked behind one of those huge piles of 'bronze age' fire truck tires that seem to be randomly strewn about the place for whatever reason?" (ancient context-specific rituals are indeed often unfathomable, especially in archaic fire worshiping/fighting cultures!) he mused. "Although having a lone spigot in the fire station is in fact a good thing, I guess, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that even more startling discoveries regarding our distant, murky (don't forget disturbing!) past are just right around the corner if we dig deep enough in there. Finding a primitive bathroom would rank right up there with finding King Tut's tomb or the opening of Al Capone's vault or whatever. That would really put Lamont on the map in archeological circles once and for all!" he concluded wearily while inadvertently dislodging an old, rusty (and potentially significant!) sardine can with the toe of his surprisingly scuffed-up and obviously inexpensive/poorly-made shoe.

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