Dec 17, 2009

Local Rancher Scientists/Researchers Discover New Chemical Element - Cowpattium

In a long overdue addition to the annoyingly complicated 'Periodic Table' of chemical elements that form the foundation of the very universe itself, a crack team of local rancher scientists and researchers expanded the very fabric of the known world with their startling discovery of a new element long overlooked by more tradition-bound and 'ivory-towerish' researchers in those fancy research universities spread across the globe. "Well, of course we were as startled as anyone" said Flem Snopes, a local rancher and budding scientist and researcher. "That dern element has been sitting right under our noses this whole time!" he said without even a touch of irony. "I was out on the ranch tending to that doggone bull that somehow learned to jump the fence when I got my feet all tangled up in that dadburn rake that one of my no-good farm hands just left laying around and went face first right into a pile of the as-yet-undefined chemical element" he said. "Well, after brushing myself off and uttering a few less than flattering oaths related to the inherent qualities of farm hands in general, I decided to take the puzzling substance back to the 'lab' in my barn, call up all my rancher buddies and expose the mysterious mess to an exhausting scientific examination with a clinical rigor not seen in the Palouse since that whole 'marshmallow' investigation several decades back" said Snopes. "That is when I knew we had stumbled onto something not previously categorized by those smarty-pants know-it-alls with all them letters after their dern names. And the funny thing is, since our startling discovery, I can't hardly turn around without literally seeing piles of the stuff just laying around the ranch. Its everywhere! How could the whole scientific community have missed it for all those years?" he said. "It was right 'under foot' the whole dern time! Now, if we could just figure out how to harvest its inherent properties and put them to work for us, who knows what benefits it can add to mankind! My fellow ranchers and I are just now on the very cusp of exploring its potential as a new 'hair care' product and/or skin moisturizer/after shave - but we have to expand our basic understanding of and appreciation for its inherent characteristics first! And the only way to do that is to dive right in! But at least it has a distinctive aroma that we are used to (goodness knows their long-suffering wives are!). That sure is a bonus. And if that doggone Obama can win a Nobel Prize for doing almost nothing, surely I should win something for my contribution to the hard sciences. And if there is any reward money, I will have to take the little woman on that long-promised trip to Dollywood, I guess. At least that will get her off my dern back for a change! But I am drawing the line at her mother coming with us. A man can only take so much Cowpattium, for Pete's sake!"

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