Dec 28, 2009

Lamont Still Without Any Real Suspects After Spree of 'Dastardly Deeds' Grips State's 2nd Smallest Town

Although not unprecedented by any stretch, the entire Town of Lamont was thrown into confusion and befuddlement after an amazingly outlandish series of 'deeds most foul' were committed right under the very noses of a citizenry not renowned for minding their own business - at least as it pertains to the 'goings-on' with their neighbors. "Well, I don't know what the heck is going on!" (oh, like that is big news!) said the stunned and confused Mayor with mouth hanging agape! "That is the third damsel this week that we have found tied up and laid across the dadburn railroad tracks, for Pete's sake! And what about that big anvil that was poised right on the edge of that lonely mesa we have - just waiting to drop on someone's unsuspecting head? Or that 'Free Gold' sign with a big arrow pointing to that old, abandoned, highly dangerous mine with the rotten floor just outside the Town limits" (sadly, that goldmine ruse turned out to be shockingly effective! Well, the anvil one was very successful too! Dang it all! When will this madness stop?) mumbled the Mayor while giving everyone in the room the condemning eye of assumed guilt. "I mean, there are only 100 people in this town on a good day and, unfortunately, we are familiar with pretty much all of them - so we feel fairly certain that it has to be an outside job - otherwise we would surely have at least a suspect or two. I mean our criminals just ain't that smart - and we are obviously dealing with some sort of criminal mastermind or evil genius or whatever here! We are in a whole new ballpark with this one! I remember that time (back in the good old days when life was simpler!) when one of our under achieving and criminally-inclined citizens broke into the fire station (after planning it with his mother!) and made his heroic 'get-away' on the doggone town lawn mower! Sadly, all we had was a push mower at the time - and it wasn't even self-propelled! That just ain't too bright! But as it stands now, none of the 'usual suspects' seems to fit the 'criminal mastermind' profile - whatever the heck that is!" he said with that all too familiar look of profound bafflement and perplexity.

"But then again, the stupid railroad pulled out of Lamont back in the late 1970's (which caused the economic downturn and thus allowed the none-too-smart criminals (in bell bottoms and leisure suits!) to come pouring into Lamont like thirsty locusts to a melon patch!) so that does add credence to the idea that it was not an inside job - I mean, you would think that people from around here would know that sort of thing and would not leave a tied up damsel in distress completely out of harm's way on railroad tracks not used since Jimmy Carter darn near ruined this great nation with his pro-peanut agenda, wouldn't you? I ain't so sure, now that I think about it! Oh, what a mystery stalks the very foundation of our already battered and bruised collective souls!" he said with a level of melodrama and overacting not seen since the last Tom Cruise movie! "At this point, we can take nothing for granted! And by definition, if you are going to tie someone up, don't you have to be able to make a knot? And like I said, our criminals just ain't that sophisticated, thank goodness! I remember just last year that Snopes kid got caught siphoning gasoline out of his OWN car, for Pete's sake - and then pleaded guilty and threw himself on the mercy of the court, too!! But the doggone Town of Lamont was sure enough lacking in damsels in the first place and if they all get kidnapped and laid across non-functioning railroad tracks or people have anvils falling on their heads or they get tricked into some old, abandoned gold mine or whatever, pretty soon we WILL be the smallest town in the State! (Gasp!) And that is one thing that I just cannot stand for. No sir!" said the peeved public servant. "A man has to draw the line somewhere, and losing our hard won # 2 status in this State is just a bridge too far for me. You mess with that and you're gonna see a man get mean!" he fumed insanely! "I bet if that doggone Long Beach has any criminals (which is highly doubtful at this point, given their 'squeaky-clean', smarty-pants, too-good-by-half, oh-so civilized, tourist-friendly reputation!) - you can rest assured they ain't the dumb ones! Darn their eyes! Can't we be better than them at just one thing?" he sobbed! "But I can't worry about that now. We have a criminal mastermind on the loose and our list of damsels is getting mighty thin! I got to go catch me a scoundrel of no mean intelligence!" he said while wandering off aimlessly with no seeming pattern or direction whatsoever!

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