Dec 8, 2009

Major Milestone: Town Holds First Council Meeting In 100 Years Without A Single 'Angry Moment'!

In what has the hardened and cynical Lamont insiders shaking their heads in awe and wonderment and for some bizarre reason that no sane person can figure out, the Town of Lamont was finally able to conduct a Town Council meeting without any of its citizens manifesting a single emotional outburst, unleashing a lone, withering, hate-filled glare (known locally as 'the stink-eye'); without even one Machiavellian-like intrigue/alliance being unmasked for its shocking duplicity (small town politics do indeed make strange bedfellows!) - and/or without a single, solitary malicious accusation or threat bordering on the legally actionable being offered. (not all of the citizens fall into this agitated group by any stretch - Lamont abides closely to the 80-20 rule as do many small towns). Lamont, a sleepy little farming town right in the middle of nowhere (which means we are right in the middle of everything!) has, for 100 years, been a town (as most small towns are) with deep and murky passions; strange, misplaced levels of self-entitlement; and the very stuff that made this country great before our national addiction to the irresistible baubles of the 'throw-away' society caused this great nation to place a premium on the frivolous at the expense of the All Mighty.

"Yes, that was a strange meeting. Strange indeed!" said the still stunned Mayor while waiting for the other shoe to drop or the ambush to finally be sprung. "One does not know whether we have finally turned the corner on the road to basic civility or if this is just the calm before some hideous storm ravages the very fabric of our already tattered souls!" he said wearily. "I mean, I never know what to expect when I go in there. There is usually some strange brew of long-simmering, mad-at-the-world temper tantrums just waiting to find vent onto the world; any number of long, seemingly random streams of consciousness pointing to no where waiting right under the surface; and those shockingly absurd ad hoc alliances between seemingly upstanding citizens (don't judge a book by its cover!) and the angry, narcissistic, destroy-not-build elements that exist in any small town in North America. Those alliances, so improbable on the surface, would make the 'Hitler/Stalin' pact seem like a common business handshake, for Pete's sake. But there they are!" he said regrettably. "But we had none of that last night. (then again, one of our fine Whitman County Sheriff's Deputies (Lamont loves the Whitman County Sheriff's Dept!) was on hand keeping the peace and observing American democracy at its most primary level!) Not a peep of discord was to be heard! Not a glimmer of backstabbing passive-aggressiveness. Not a single episode of self-righteous piety masking the cold beating black heart of the true Vandal-like barbarian longing to destroy the town stone by stone! It was actually very pleasant. I don't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or batten down the hatches with an extra pair of under-shorts handy! It's all very disconcerting!" he said. "Now I know what they mean by the expression "fear of the unknown!"

Thankfully, the Town of Lamont holds Council Meetings once a month, normally on the first Monday of the month, so the collective citizenry will have at least 12 chances in 2010 to snap out of it and return to their natural selves and things can get back to normal in the 2nd smallest Town in the State - or then again, maybe not. What this portends for the future no man knows - so stay tuned as this exciting yet tragic saga unfolds before your very eyes. Just think of it as a really unusual "TV mini-series" that you don't even have to have cable to enjoy. (Viewer warning: Not for the faint of heart, the civic minded or children under the age of 17. Viewer discretion is advised) (Note: this article is a parody of small town governance and any similarities between it and the truly cool Town of Lamont or Lamont Town Meetings are purely coincidental)

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