Dec 30, 2009

Woefully Ignorant/Unenlightened Local Husband Fails To See Sparkling Clarity/Profound Wisdom Of Wife's Latest Hair-Brained Scheme

In a continuation of an age-old battle that has raged across this planet since that whole unfortunate "Apple Incident" in the Garden of Eden all those years ago, a local couple, Jethro and Mabel Bodine, both aged 62, have reached a conversational and relationship impasse after Jethro failed to grasp the obvious merits of mortgaging their ranch and investing those funds to create a chinchilla farm for fun and profit. "Well, I love my wife, but sometimes she just ain't right in the head!" said Jethro while taking aspirin with his coffee to help blunt the back pain caused by sleeping on the couch for the last week. "First off, no one with a lick of sense even knows what a chinchilla is - I mean is it like a mink or a ferret or what? Second, I know my wife, and there is no way she would ever agree to turn the unfortunate critters into coats or scarves or whatever once we got them here and poured our hard earned money into feeding the ungrateful wretches. So, we would end up with the world's most expensive petting zoo - and if my instincts are right, them chinchillas, in spite of that sweet sounding name, ain't the type of animal that wants a bunch of ill-mannered kids running up to them and rubbing chocolate encrusted fingers all over their fir or whatever. I just don't understand why she can't sell Amway!! It always has to be something with her. Chinchillas? (or to use their common, far more easily recognized Latin designation, 'Chinchilla Lanigera'!) I mean, come on! They don't even sound American!" he fumed.

"Well, let's just say that my husband has never been the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree!" said the determined and obviously resourceful Mabel from behind her locked bedroom door. "Men are all the same! Their brains are wired in such a way that they have to see everything as linear and logical and all of that. The sad part is, they miss such a huge part of the 'human experience' by not embracing outrageous emotionalism and by not partaking in ill-conceived whims of fancy that provide so much satisfaction in this otherwise drab and unsatisfying world" she said stoically. "Why does everything have to make sense? Why does every cause have to have a corresponding effect? What is wrong with rolling the 'Dice of Life' just for the heck of it, and letting the chips fall where they may? (Danger - cliche overload!) Does everything have to be so doggone predictable? I mean, I love him and all, but he tends to run to the unexciting and mundane, sometimes. I just wish he would let his hair down from time to time!" (Editorial Note: Oh, that was a low blow. As everyone knows, Jethro could be considered the 'poster boy' for 'patterned baldness' and is highly sensitive about his ever-expanding forehead! We at the Lamont Blog do not support gratuitous slams of any kind, especially those focused on middle-age related male hair loss!)

Sadly, this family conflict seems to have mushroomed across the Palouse and has galvanized all of the Bodine friends and acquaintances along starkly defined gender lines - with the respective husbands and wives drawing quite unnecessary 'lines in the sand' as the 'battle of the sexes' takes on even more ominous proportions in the 2nd smallest town in the State and beyond! For their part, the chinchillas, in order to bring peace and harmony to a potentially explosive situation, are offering a much-needed 'middle path' and are lobbying to be returned to the wild mountain recesses of the Andes of South America where they can nibble on seeds, roots, bark, bulbs and grasses (with the occasional insect thrown in!) and mind their own business and let those doggone humans pick some other animal to pester each other with.

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