Dec 10, 2009

Enterprising Area Rancher To Shamelessly Offer Exciting New Line Of 'Holy Cow!' Beef Products

In a bold attempt to capture the very essence of the Judeo-Christian foundations of the now struggling American culture, an area rancher, Flem Snopes, 56, has 'bet the farm' on a new scheme to differentiate his herd from the rest of the cattle in the Palouse and hopefully, thru clever branding (the marketing kind - not the kind that uses a red hot iron!) get a few more cents per pound when his cattle go to market. "Well, it's the dadburnest thing! I got three bulls a few years back - all brothers, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if every one of the cotton-picking calves they produce don't have that cross-like mark on their dern foreheads!" said the enterprising yet somewhat superstitious Snopes. "When I first saw them things it kind of gave me the creeps, given my less than stellar church attendance for the last 50 odd years, but when 'Old Man Festoon' came by to try to sell me that 5 year old horse that is really 11 years old and saw them calves, he was so amazed and gob-smacked by the phenomenon that I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I can make some money off of this thing!" said the innovative rancher not historically known for solid business sense. "So, I talked to my nephew - you know - the one in prison in Walla Walla - because he had a year or two of marketing classes in high school before going to 'The Big House' or 'The Slammer' or whatever they call it now-a-days, and for a carton of smokes I got him to write out a whole dern marketing plan for me! It's not like he doesn't have a lot of time on his hands, for Pete's sake - and idle hands are the devil's workshop - or so they say! If this thing works I'll be rich! Rich, I say! And then all them other ranchers won't be so quick to dismiss me when I see them on the street!" said the salivating Snopes while flagrantly breaking at least 3 of the 7 deadly sins! (being a family friendly blog, we dare not mention the other two!)

"Heck, if people will buy kosher salt, then sure enough they will buy my 'Holy Cow' beef products! (and associated 'Holy Handbags' leather goods line). How could I pass this up? I am just filling an already pre-existing religious need, ain't I? Won't people of faith feel obligated to buy my meat over just any old supposedly 'non-blessed' beef? I can advertise it as a religious duty - like Easter eggs and St. Valentine's Day cards for the wife!" said the borderline blasphemer. "Oh, what a heaven sent opportunity to line my own pockets based on misplaced religious obligation and guilt! And all for a good cause, too! Maybe I need to start going back to that cow church after all, just for appearances sake, if nothing else. I'd hate for anyone to say that I was a hypocrite or something" he managed to say without actually bursting into flames right on the spot!

(Special thanks goes to Erika for her investigative journalism on this somewhat troubling new 'get-rich-quick' scheme that, sadly, has more than an even chance of meeting with success!)

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