Dec 3, 2009

Wicked Cold Snap Drives Town Of Lamont Into Shocking State Of All-Consuming "Beach Envy"

The Town of Lamont, nestled in well-managed and beautiful Whitman County, is well accustomed to temperature extremes that would make Afghanistan seem like Southern California in comparison. With temperatures consistently rising over 100 degrees in summer and sinking into the almost obscene -20 range in December and January, one would think that the local inhabitants would at some point in their long and dubious history come to grips with this almost 'punishment-like' weather and learn to deal with it - both physically and psychologically - but this appears to not be the case.

"Well, being landlocked, it is easy for a given town to look inward, I guess, but I was watching some TV show on the most beautiful places in Washington and up pops that doggone "Long Beach" with some big fancy commentary and sweeping panoramas of the ocean and deep, rich forests and that sort of picturesque thing. That just made me sick!" said the obviously agitated Mayor as he paced back in forth in his living room because it was too darn cold to step outside. "First off, why did they have to put some "size descriptor' in their name? Why couldn't it be "Quaint Beach" or "Sunny Beach" or just plain "Beach"? Being from the 2nd smallest town in the state, we are always sensitive to those 'show off' towns that flaunt their obviously superior geographic location, attractiveness and organization skills. Okay, we got it already!!! You are big and successful and we are small and almost without hope!" he stammered insanely. "And what is with that whole "Grand Coulee Dam" thing? Just think how that must make the poor town of "Modest Coulee Dam" feel? It is all so unnecessary!!"

"And another thing, I could just tell at a glance that Long Beach is one of those towns (darn their eyes!) that actually has a planning department - and a good one, too!" he said dejectedly. "All I had to do was casually glance at an aerial photo to see that, unlike Lamont, someone really cares about future growth patterns and has a keen eye for blending both form and function to help foster a happy, healthy community both now and in the future. Talk about showboating!!! Just because Lamont only has one part-time employee and the fact that we have neglected planning of any kind for over 100 years does not mean that they are somehow better than us!" he lied. "Oh, I guess I just wish that Lamont had some big, beautiful ocean to gaze out upon. I mean cows are okay and all, but they ain't an ocean!. And what would Lamont be without those endless hours of fun playing 'Cow Patty Bingo" in the park during the summer, but a beach would sure be nice. If we had a beach, maybe our town would look as nicely planned and organized as that stupid Long Beach! Then again, this is Lamont - so maybe not" he sniffed. "Hey, maybe if we had an ocean we could change our name to "Cow Beach"! That way none of the other small towns would feel envious and the very name itself would cause ranchers and their herds to come flocking here in the summer when things got a little too monotonous on the ranch!" (assuming there is ever a dull moment on an active cattle ranch, that is! Talk about a giggle a minute!) said the feverishly competitive public servant with more than a pinch of madness in his furtive and shifty yet somehow sad and pitiful (you forgot beady!) eyes.

2 comments:

Long Beach said...

Now, now Mayor. We do not profess to be Big Beach or Xtra Big Beach, simply Long Beach. Admittedly, a reeeeally long beach. Oh, there we go bragging again. There is no denying Lamont is vastly superior to Long Beach in too many ways to enumerate here, but let’s all tip our hats to Lamont’s remarkable sheep and bovine populations. And of course, Long Beach rarely dips beneath 40 degrees, let alone achieve your incredibly superior 20 degrees. Lamont, we salute you!!!!! Cheers from the measly and deservedly humble Long Beach Planning Department

Gene said...

I can't help but comment. Since our planner pointed me in the direction of your blog I have had a great time reading all about Lamont and your wonderful view of the world. I confess to similar views, but I have only half the skill of writing that you do...in fact I am now in great fear as there is no spell check on this "blog comment" section and without such safety nets I could fall...or be exposed for the well educated fraud that I may be...or is that maybe...no may be for sure - may be or maybe...now what do I do...get back up on the curb.

All kidding aside, you do a great job and remember, cows are fun. As a kid I spent many wonderful summers on my aunt and uncle's farm with cows...which means I collected eggs from the hen house, learned to milk a cow by hand (which improved my ability to hit bugs with a squart of mild at 10 to 15 feet..depending on the cow), learned that a momma pig is deadly when she has piglets (oh were is that spell check) and always lace and tie your shoes when going out into the cow pasture as you can leave a shoe in the - well your socks get "off color" and so it goes.

By the way I am the city administrator in Long Beach and yes we confess, we are not the "long beach", in fact a couple from Australia came into city hall last summer to tell us they had the "longest beach in the world". My only question is "how is that determined?" Longest Beach is kind of like the cafe that has the sign out front proclaiming "Great Home Cooked Food". Well we can say only one thing for sure, as long as the owners live there it is home cooked...and so it goes.

Sorry for going all over the map, but here in paradise with our "long" beach we can't help it. Have a great day and keep up the great work...Gene Miles