Dec 1, 2009

Entire Town of Lamont In 'Security Lockdown' After Insidious "Man-Perm" Epidemic Sweeps Thru Palouse

Early last week, the ever vigilant and patriotic Town Of Lamont was forced to go to "Condition Red" - the highest response protocol on the Threat Analysis Scale - after it was determined that the entire region was being infiltrated by mysterious men with really curly hair who were posing as local citizens although everyone knows that they had "straight hair just the other day, doggone it!". Emergency calls came pouring in from wives, neighbors and mortified citizens just walking down the street after being exposed to "some weird hairdo that looked like 'Mr. Brady' in the last year of the Brady Bunch hit TV show". "Well, I am just thankful that we caught this un-American travesty in time, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously relieved and exhausted Mayor from Dick Cheney's secret undisclosed location (more like cowering behind his desk in the office, the coward!!). "You would expect this sort of thing in larger metropolitan areas that have more direct access to TV re-runs from the 1970's, but this tragic and unsettling episode indeed points to the fact that we, as a nation, are truly in this heroic fight together!" he said wearily while gazing lovingly at "Old Glory" that hangs in the office where it can just barely be seen as he shamelessly crouches behind his desk! "The forces that oppose us obviously don't care if you are a big city or one of the best managed small, rural communities in North America. But the very fact that they would unleash the outrageous and civilization-destroying 'man-perm' on us just shows how ruthless and diabolical they truly are! That's just evil! Will they stop at nothing?" he shuddered. "Thankfully we have the subjects quarantined and the authorities in Washington are currently airlifting in a crack team of military barbers with several 55 gallon drums of 'hair straightener'. I just hope we caught it in time before it morphed into the even more horrifying "leisure suit, bell-bottom and big gold medallion' (with open shirt and hairy chest!) phase. Once it gets to that stage, the battle is all but lost" he said dispiritedly. "Oh, I just hope we were able to contain it in time! Just having come out of that whole 'Urban Cowboy' pandemic a few short months ago, I am not sure the town could endure another one of those fashion disasters. I just don't know if we could take it!" he mumbled melodramatically.

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