Jun 25, 2010

Entire Herd Laments Onset Of Summer "Cow Tipping' Season

With school now out and the rambunctious and wayward area youth currently unemployed to a man (or woman!), area experts predict a marked spike in an unfortunate tradition that pits the questionable courage of area teenagers against the rock-solid demands for a cow to get a full 8 hours of sleep if he/she is going to function effectively in the demanding social and political life of the herd. This tradition, if tradition it is, somehow involves the ingestion of various and sundry forms of alcohol somehow scrounged from the larger Lamont human ecosystem (mostly from Uncle Jethro Festoon!), the stealthy and ninja-like approach to the herd sometime after midnight, and the sudden onslaught that incorporates the 'laying on of hands' somewhere between the haunches and shoulder while the cow is in full slumber. This action, if orchestrated with sufficient force (and if done without busting out laughing!) oftentimes sends the peacefully dreaming cow into a state of alarming dis-equilibrium causing said cow to fall over on its side unharmed, thus drawing a corresponding response of highly predictable laughter and 'high-fives' from the gathered fledgling humanoids. The cows, well-known practical jokers in their own right, oftentimes fail to see the humor in this activity, however, given their quite real need for peaceful, uninterrupted sleep which has been largely secured by the almost complete and total eradication of large predators by their caring and thoughtful rancher owners. "Well, cows can get down right nasty if their sleep patterns are disrupted - regardless of its cause" said Dr. Winston Peabody, an area animal behavior specialist. "Whether it is that unfortunate 'cow tipping', low flying airplanes, uncontrolled wildfires or the occasional stampede of another herd - it doesn't matter much to them. Even the slightest interruption to their nocturnal routine can send the entire herd into a funk for days, thus reducing the natural levity and playful camaraderie that normally exists between the rancher and the herd. And this 'cow tipping' phenomenon is just one more unfortunate event that contributes to the diminishing of the quality of life of the herd itself. Its all very unnecessary in the larger scheme of things" he said gravely, grasping the end of his pointy nose in thoughtful repose.

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