Jun 15, 2010

Iconic Lamont Town Sign Goes Missing! Mayor Hot On Trail Of Sticky Fingered Miscreants! (Sadly, this is indeed based on yet another true story!)

The humble and unassuming town of Lamont, a struggling yet annoyingly hopeful metropolis with a population somewhere on the shady side of 100 souls, realized 4 days before their 100 year festival that someone made the actual effort to dig up the post that the Lamont sign was attached to, secret the sign away (with the post!) to parts unknown - but most disturbing of all for those familiar with the case, they even filled up the hole that the post was planted in - leading community leaders to suspect 'outsiders' - given that everyone knows that the usual Lamont petty thieves are too darn lazy to clean up after themselves. The sign, made at some point in Lamont's distant, murky past, has stood unmolested (for the most part) for years - although the "Nuclear Free Zone' mini-sign attached below has 'disappeared then reappeared' several times over that same interval. "Good gravy, man! That just proves that Lamont is on the right track!" bellowed the beaming Mayor with hardly concealed pride! "In the olden days, we couldn't have paid people to steal our signs! Now we darn near have to bolt the dern things down and chain up a Rottweiler to the cotton pickin' things to keep them from just walking off! This is a big day for us! We have finally arrived! Oh, who in their right mind would want to steal a sign from a town that is dead on its feet and destined for the municipal junk heap! Whew hoo! People want to steal from us at last!" he rambled jubilantly! "I just wish my poor mother was alive to see this glorious day!" he gushed!

Although the list of potential suspects, both foreign and domestic, is indeed quite long, initial speculation was, of course, cast on the most likely culprits - the Smithsonian Institution and the Guggenheim Museum - both collectors of global cultural icons (plus, the fact that the hole was filled in does indicate a level of professionalism and savvy that is outside the norm for these parts.) The next likely group of suspects includes any number of local types who hate to see the Town improve and saw the sign in the paper and are lashing out for those bygone days where junk collecting was a civic pastime and the most noted citizens were those with the biggest piles of scrap metal in their yards. (don't forget the packs of biting dogs!) Finally, the last suspect group includes visitors from another planet who want to bring back a prized and ultimately priceless trophy from all the worlds they visit - and the previous Lamont sign, although weathered and battered, certainly filled this bill and then some! (What alien emperor in his right mind would not what that Lamont sign hanging in his creepy imperial hall on some dark, forbidding planet with twice our gravity or adorning the bridge of his sinister battle cruiser or whatever as he floated around destroying innocent worlds just for the fun of it! I mean, come on!)

The town of Lamont, for their part, is already working on a new, improved sign and, knowing them and their work ethic, they should have it hanging up sometime before the next 100 year festival in the year 2110. (Editorial Note: Another possibility, however remote, is that some caring citizen removed the sign and is refurbishing it so that it looks great for the 100 year festival on June 19th! That is a distinct possibility, too, however remote!! No one bothered to tell the Town, however - although that is not unusual around here!)

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