The Town of Lamont, rarely known for success of any kind - regardless of how remote and/or insignificant, upheld this proud yet dubious tradition by completely and totally botching a well crafted and elaborate plan to somehow photographically capture our town engineer getting 'pecks on the cheek' from several 'grandmother types' that for some doggone reason Lamont seems to have in a statistically improbable abundance. This secret op, code named 'Operation Granny Smooch', involved the mayor lulling our engineer, let's just use a fake name like Bryan, into a false sense of security with the promise of a free food plate while the mayor chatted him up in the festival food line. As Bryan became more bored and annoyed with the mayor's seemingly endless drivel (aren't we all??), and just as he was ready to bolt for the door, even at the cost of giving up free food (very 'un-dude-like' and desperate behavior, one might add) - the mayor would make some prearranged hand gesture and several stately, powder-covered, lilac-smelling, somewhat physically possessing, moo-moo wearing octogenarians would converge from either side and simultaneously plant a big smooch on both cheeks of the man we will call 'Bryan' for this article, although that is not 'necessarily' his 'real name'. Needless to say, all the while the town would be capturing this on film for posterity's sake. (and to share with others at Century West Engineering, of course!)"Oh, I have always said Lamont could goof up a soup sandwich and this just proves it once and for all!" bellowed the mayor who was at least 96% responsible for the unraveling of a seemingly airtight and 'idiot-proof' plan. "There we were, about 6 people back from the surprisingly delicious 'Sloppy Joe' counter when I noticed his eyes begin to glaze over as I told him about this big crab I once caught in Anacortes when, out of the blue, I just happened to glance around me and realized that any number of the town's 'mayor-hater' contingent (more like a plurality!) were strategically placed around me, and in a moment of panic I realized I had been bested at my own game! You know how crafty those engineer-types are! That is all I need, Bubba Festoon and his sister Festus Festoon giving me a smooch right there in the community center! Oh, the horror! Anyway, after losing my nerve (and squeaking like a school girl!) I fled from the stifling and claustrophobic confines of that chamber of horrors and bolted out into the park - only to realize that I was surrounded by mayor-haters out there, too! (sadly, this situation would, by definition, apply to almost any spot the mayor stood at in Whitman County, for crying out loud!). "The next thing I knew, there was the guy we will call Bryan happily munching on one of those delicious 'Sloppy Joes' and waving at me from across the park with a knowing (some would say malicious!!) smirk on his smug, self-satisfied face! Darn his eyes! I knew I never should have matched wits with someone who is not afraid of a scientific calculator! What in the heck was I thinking? Anyway, now the 'moo-moo brigade' (Editorial Note: And given that this is cattle country - when we say 'moo moo', we mean 'moo moo'!) is mad at me because it isn't every day that they get a chance to kiss someone with more than a high school education (and who wasn't wearing manure covered cowboy boots!!) - and somehow they blame me and not the cruel finger of Fate that seems to govern almost every aspect of life in the 2nd smallest town in the State! Oh yeah. Life is fair! Like that was all my fault or something!" he sniveled unconvincingly!
No comments:
Post a Comment