Area Voodoo Priestess Gets Mad At Stupid 'Saran Wrap' For The Last Dadburn Time

In the fine Lamont tradition of ‘Don’t just get mad, get even!’, an area voodoo priestess, Mumbuto Kahentara, (aka – Betsy Bodine, 56, an area farm/ranch wife - when she ain't out gossiping!) one of the several voodoo professionals in the highly competitive “Lamont Satanic Services Industry’ finally had had enough already when she was trying to cover her one remaining piece of ‘Popeye’s Fried Chicken’ with “Saran Wrap” when the whole dern roll got all tangled up and ‘discombobulated’ and, having no other option, she threw the whole dern mess in the garbage and immediately began filling the somewhat cattle-scented air with strange incantations and fiendish curses not seen in the town since Whitman County gave Lamont an outrageously generous grant for a new dadburn library! “Well, although that whole voodoo curse thing kind of gives me the creeps and all, given my preference for Wicca, on some level I feel that some sort of higher cosmic justice has been done here, that’s all” said Thelma Festoon, 63, a part time farm wife and alpha busybody/snoot bag/shameless gossip. “I mean, just look at the collective frustrations and anxiety that fancy-pants so-called “scientist’ unleashed on the world with his supposed ‘life improving’ invention and all! Sure, having a thin film of germ resistant plastic to cover food sure seems like a good idea, but somehow they made the whole dern mess so intent on clinging to itself, like some catatonic 3rd grader in a horror movie, that the modern abomination just ain’t worth a dern hoot, if you ask me” she raged, spittle flying in an almost perfect 180 degree arc. “So, there you go! All them fancy scientists who actually managed to graduate from high school or whatever who think they can go inventing all this nonsense for “the betterment of mankind’ had better start thinking twice if they know what’s good for them! We are as mad as ‘H – E - Double Toothpicks’ now and we ain’t going to take it anymore, doggone it!” she stammered, reaching near apoplexy.

“But hey, that whole ‘turning him into a cane toad’ thing did seem a little harsh. What would have been wrong with turning him into a coyote or whatever? But who am I to argue with the larger scales of societal justice? I am just a meek and submissive farm wife who dotes on her husband and all” she lied outrageously, shamelessly attempting to cover up the fact that the women for miles around really ‘rule the roost’ around here – and the men, who obviously have punted their biblical responsibilities as the head of the house, just sit back cringing as each new tsunami of farm wife pettiness sweeps over the lowly and largely misunderstood Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the detriment of all. Yikes! Where are the men in the place! Whatever happened to that ‘rugged individualism’ thing the West is supposedly known for? If you cannot stand up to your wife, for Pete’s sake, and keep her from sowing the seeds of obnoxious mischief all over the place, what dern good are you, anyway? Shame on you, you cringing wallflowers! Be a man already! Stop letting your womenfolk trample the culture, such as it is, while you sit back cowering and mumbling 'yes dear' like some rightless hand-servant or whatever! Don’t you see how embarrassing that is? Come on! How hard is it to be a man? We got the easy gender, for crying out loud! Sheesh!

Shock: Church Plans Quite Disturbing “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” Fundraiser To Help Fill Largely Depleted/Squandered Coffers

A local church, one of several in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), that supposedly serves the spiritual needs of a citizenry that pretty much everyone agrees “is largely on the wrong side in the battle of good versus evil”, (Hey, judge a tree by it's fruit, as the Good Book says!) sent out a flyer late Tuesday encouraging people long accustomed to no real church presence whatsoever to attend what we all hope is not now an ‘annual event’ – the much hyped yet downright disgusting “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” to be held at their church (one of several in the spiritually blighted and thus largely forlorn area, by the way!) on February 13th. The offending church (if we can use the term loosely), known locally as “Our Lady Of Outrageous Heresy”, (As well as the 'Lamont Country Club' with highly restrictive, cattle-related membership rules) will be serving the stomach-churning ‘so-called’ food items, (taken from any number of unfortunate animals against their expressed will), in a variety of ways – fried, barbecued, sauteed and, of course, raw, in the spirit of our Japanese brothers who made that whole doggone yet still somewhat suspect ‘sushi thing’ famous.

“Well, I just ain’t sure that Rocky Mountain Oysters (RMO’s) are appropriate as a culinary representation of modern Christianity, that’s all - but it does kind of make sense in a Lamont context, I guess!” said Festus Festoon, 63, an area farmer/rancher. “Although I ain't no “Old Testament” scholar or nothing, but shouldn't that particular and decidedly unappetizing ‘cow part’ be considered unclean or non-kosher or whatever the heck that is? Somehow that whole fundraiser thing just seems very, very wrong! You know, them churches don’t seem to care about us at all and the only time we ever hear from them is when they want to go shamelessly messing in the town politics and feel the need to stir up a mob (never a hard thing to do around here!) contrary to that whole ‘separation of church and State’ thing, so why now, all of a sudden, do they want to go foisting some disgusting body part on us just so that they can raise their ‘30 pieces of silver’ to go promoting their decidedly non-biblical and nefarious ends that, as we can all see with our own eyes, have nothing to do with the bible whatsoever? Well, there ain’t nobody from the whole dern town proper that goes to that so-called church over yonder, (they all come in from the surrounding area ranches when they get off their dead rear-ends and drive in! What does that tell you? Can you have an actual 'town church' with no actual town people? Hmmmmmm! Only in Lamont, we guess! Oh, why is it always us or we or whatever the proper English is! Dang, why are we always so challenged?) so why would they expect us to eat disgusting cow body parts in the dern place? That just seems suspicious to me, that’s all. The whole thing just smacks of some sort of disturbing paganism or devilry or whatever, if you ask me! (For the record, the GLMA has any number of devout, earnest and committed church goers, but most go to Sprague or St. John or Ritzville to be spiritually and, thankfully, bodily fed. Whoa!)

“Well, thankfully, I ain’t the mayor no more, that Breckenridge feller is, but like I always said, if you don’t have a church that holds up the true spiritual banner of the Lord and not some counterfeit from 'you-know-who', then the doggone town is darn near impossible to govern at even the most basic level!” said a thankfully former mayor, what’s his dern name, age 47. “If you have a bad church or churches that basically do nothing or, even worse, actively support the criminals and ne’re-do-wells and scoff-laws, then of course the whole place will eventually go to ‘hell in a hand basket’. If a church spends all its time trying to be Caesar and thus kicks the things of the Lord to the curb, of course that will trickle down to the Town itself, with all the subsequent societal dysfunctions that seem to be so common in – well, yeah, places like Lamont. (And other small towns, too! Surely we cannot be the only ones! But then again, this is the GLMA, and who would have thought we would not have a public flush toilet after 100 years, for Pete’s sake! It does all seem to be connected, if you think about it! Whoa!) “Anyway, if them churches would just focus on the things churches are supposed to do, as defined by the bible, - you know, that whole 'Lord's Vineyard' thing and all, and thus spend less time trying to set up some satanic and/or earthly theocracy where they are the ones in charge or whatever, (And, not that they care, but that devilish power-grab runs counter to our dadburned form of government, BTW!) the whole dern place would improve by leaps and bounds, that’s all. But this is Lamont, so maybe they will figure that out in the next 100 years or so. (Don't bet on it!) But we just need to focus on getting a flush toilet now. Some things are just long overdue… And come to think of it, them church people and their dark, mischief-loving minions/lackeys are the ones feebly attempting to throw roadblocks in the way of the new library where our first flush toilet will actually reside. (Thank you Whitman County for funding it!! Oh, we have the best county government in the dadburn State! Oh, Lamont is so blessed by being situated here!) Dang, can indoor plumbing really be such an obvious sign of the Lord’s blessing that the wayward church(es) would feel the need to fight so strongly against it – like they do their actual biblical mission? Wow! This will be interesting to watch! Stay tuned, folks!” he concluded before going to fetch a ham sandwich and a glass of lukewarm buttermilk before settling back to watch the wheat grow!

Area Pastor Stuns Palouse By Endorsing Non-Biblical 'Theory Of Farmer/Rancher Evolution'

In a brazen move that is sure to 'twist a few tails' and put more than a few 'noses/snouts out of joint' in the largely Godless and spiritually destitute Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), an area pastor, (not a local one, so save me the hysterical hate mail! Come on, people! Shouldn't 'Christian' hate mail be some sort of oxymoron? Not in these parts, we guess! Whoa!) Jedediah Snopes, 56, threw caution to the wind and his already shaky faith out the dadburn window when, after touring any number of western states in order to view their farming/ranching practices first hand, he concluded that the largely discredited "Theory of Evolution' was indeed alive and well, regardless of what the Good Book says, because he'd 'seen it with his own dadburn eyes!'.

"Well, I have been in this area ever since I got my mail order Divinity Degree from one of them dern Asian countries or whatever, so it ain't like I am no doggone stranger to these parts, for crying out loud!" said Pastor Snopes, a man who is even willing to go by the title "Padre" should the unfortunate need arise, even though that is one of them crazy foreign words (which as we all know smack of Communist influence and subterfuge!) that run contrary to everything that the America we all know and love stands for. "Anyway, I have observed local farm/ranch operations first hand for many decades, I mean, how could I do otherwise, and 2 of the 3 total families that actually attend my church (on a good day!) are actual, 'card-carrying' farmers/ranchers themselves! (And his church is one of the largest within 25 miles! Whoa! What a spiritual Sahara Desert, for crying out loud! And whoever said that the heartland of America was 'God's Country', anyway? Well they ain't been to our neck of the woods recently, now have they!! Yikes!) "So, I knew that the wife had some knitting competition or something coming up, so I made up some 'fact finding' trip out West to get away from the old battle axe and to see a little bit of the vanishing Americana. Needless to say, I had to drive thru Idaho, which was unfortunate, and then I got lost and ended up in Texas, and then some hippie feller gave me directions outside of San Antonio (pronounced 'San An-tone"!) and the next thing I knew I was in dern Ohio or Iowa or whatever (Is there really a difference?), for crying out loud. Well, after making such a 'pig's breakfast' of my haphazard itinerary, I decided to head home in order to arrive on the day the wife actually left with that gaggle of annoying farm wife friends of hers, but I did get to see a whole lot of farming/ranching practices on my trip! And whoa, the only way to explain such a social, cultural, conversational and organizational difference between the States was that doggone evolution theory them Asian people told me was bad for some reason! Whoa! And my parishioners were the dadburn missing links in the whole dern mess! Oh, now how embarrassing is that?" he fumed! "I mean, it is bad enough being the pastor of a church that no sane human with even a dimming spark of spirituality would actually attend, but to have those, well, how do I say it, 'evolutionary challenged' members of the 'bi-pedal mammal' family attend on an almost twice-monthly basis - well, that is just plain dern embarrassing, let me tell you!" he snivelled piously!

Cheryl Loeffler, World's Coolest Clerk/Treasurer, Doubles Productivity After Former "Deadwood" Mayor Finally Gets The Heck Out Of The Way!

Although already at the top of her game in an industry that has produced such superstars as "Kynda Browning' of Tekoa and, of course, that doggone "Darlene LaShaw" of Rockford fame with her fancy fairgrounds and all (just to name a few of the wonderful clerk/treasurers! Whitman and Spokane counties are chocked full of the amazing 'go-getters'! What a blessing for the citizenry and those hapless mayors!), Cheryl Loeffler, that well-oiled machine from Fairfield, WA, for the first time since coming on-board the decidedly leaking ship known as Lamont, is set to break even more clerk/treasurer productivity records now that she does not have to work thru and/or around a deadwood encumbrance mayor who is moving to New Mexico - or at least we hope he is moving, when the weather gets a little better and he gets up off his dead rear-end to do some minor repairs around the doggone house so he can sell the dern thing! "Well, having a good clerk/treasurer is the key to any small town's success, so when Lamont somehow managed to convince Cheryl to come on-board (thru a series of outrageous fibs, shocking exaggerations and no small amount of sniveling, groveling and shameless begging!) we thought we had finally died and gone to heaven! Oh, it was like a dream come true!!" said an unnamed Councilperson while gazing thankfully to the heavens! "Then we all realized that she was going to have to unfortunately work with our former mayor, and, of course, we were all thrown into a hideous funk because we felt certain that she would just quit on the spot the first time she laid eyes on him! Finally we had gotten a good one, but, once again, we had that little 'mayor problem' that is pretty darn hard to sweep under the doggone rug, for Pete's sake! (Oh, believe me, we tried to sweep! Oh, how we tried!) Anyway! Somehow she managed to keep her spirits up until he decided to leave on his own, thank goodness for us all - so now she has no real, overt reason to bolt from us, we hope, other than the fact that we do not have a restroom and - oh yeah, the Lamontazoids are like they are - and the place does smell like those unfortunate cow-byproducts 24/7, and we didn't get our first vehicle until 2008 and we don't have a store and all. But hey, we have a new mayor now, one with promise, ability, intelligence, wit, more than basic math skills, above average reading comprehension, computer savvy above that of a kindergartener, eating manners not straight out of some caveman movie, a rudimentary fashion sense (green pants with a purple shirt open to the navel were the previous mayor's informal uniform, for crying out loud!! And all those gold chains with his astrological symbol and all! Yikes! It was all so very nauseating in a 1970's sort of way!), and who has all his own teeth, for Pete's sake! (and who doesn't cut his own hair! Oh, that was so unsettling, too!) So, that is at least a step in the right direction, I guess" he said hopefully while crossing himself for good measure!

"Well, I never liked that previous do-nothing mayor none, so on some level I am happy for Cheryl, or at least as happy as I can be for another human being, given that I am a committed, certifiable, pathological narcissist (in the top 10%, for Pete's sake!) and all" said Jethro Bodine, an area farm/ranch spokesperson who likes to meddle in the town but never lifts a finger to help the place. "Anyway, I just think it is a crying shame that some guy that was the mayor of our town would ever move to a State that has another country's name in the dern thing! What is that, some sort of commie 'mumbo-jumbo' or something? It's a dern foreign country, for Pete's sake - and on top of that, that 'so-called' State is down there with a long, undefended border nestled right up against a bunch of dadburned foreigners! (Ahhh, hello!!! What do you call Canada? Yikes, there are millions of those sneaky little Canadian types running around loose up there! Oh, the world is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell you!) No wonder he tried to bring in all them 'Big City Ways' like sidewalks, the basic rule of law and a dadburned library! He's a doggone card-carrying commie who is moving to a State with another country's name in it! If that ain't against the law, I don't know what is! I knew it! Oh, that poor Cheryl has been working with the likes of Joseph Stalin himself! How she stood up under all that commie clap-trap and still got all the bills out each month is just a testament to the professionalism of the woman! She's a hero, I say! Dang, now that you put it that way, I think we ought to give her a raise! A big one! But at least that Breckenridge feller cannot help but be a major improvement, (being worse or even the same is almost a metaphysical impossibility!) unless he goes on trying to 'citify' the place. Lamont just needs to go back to where it was, in the final 10% of a long, slow, sad decline, that's all. But yeah, Cheryl needs a raise - they can chock it up to hazardous duty pay or whatever - surely they have a budget category for that sort of thing, don't they?" said the nosy rancher who has real control issues! "Its just nice that someone with her professional demeanor and ability would condescend to come help out a little, troubled, needy, yet downright cute town like Lamont, if you ask me!" he said suspiciously, given that his statement had something positive in there (the cute part!) and that normally means he wants something or something that doesn't belong to him is already in the back of his truck!

(Editorial Note: Well, we may be cute, but once you get a prolonged exposure to a shockingly large number of the area folks - well, some of the bloom potentially fades from the already weathered rose, or so the theory goes! But what do we know? The only job we could get after journalism school was on the Lamont Blog? How sad is that? Oh, I feel a major depression coming on! Thank goodness my mother believes that I sell ladies shoes at a thrift store!! The truth would probably kill the poor woman! Oh, now I am getting a migraine, too? When life gives you lemons, make dadburned lemonade, right? Oh, what a load of hooey! Oh, Earth, you cruel orb, why must you grind me to powder? Couldn't I at least have gotten a job at the Thrifty Nickel ad paper or something? The Lamont Blog! Now that is just plain cruel! Thank you, I guess!)

Irish Prime Minister Calls To Congratulate “Michael O’Breckenridge” For Crushing Victory In Lamont Mayoral ‘Slug-Fest’!

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont was dragged (kicking and screaming!) onto the international stage once again after the embattled Irish Prime Minister, you know, that guy over there in Ireland or whatever, called to congratulate one of Ireland’s most successful sons as he assumed the mantle of power in what all pretty much agree is a “Third World Country’ among American municipalities. The Honorable Mr. Cowen, aside from having to eat all that boring and bland Irish food, seems to be embroiled in some sort of ‘mini-scandal’, at least by Irish standards, after vicious rumors were spread that he went on the radio in a state that some might call ‘just a wee bit shy of sobriety’! (Oh, like who among us hasn’t done that? Let ye who is without sin in that regard cast the first Blarney Stone or whatever! Oh, those Europeans are so picky!) Anyway, Michael O’Breckenridge took the call at his home while lamenting on the dim chances of actually pulling the 2nd smallest town in the State out of the quite horrendous mess that the previous Mayor left it in – but managed to buck up and appear chipper and perky as he tried to understand a man from a country that actually butchers the English language even more than the doggone British do! Although details of their high level talks are to remain secret, there are some rumors that Lamont might be receiving 'International Aid' from Ireland, but knowing our luck it will come in the form of stupid potatoes or whatever!! Just as long as they don’t send over those Irish dancers or some such nonsense!! They are so annoying it would almost be like an act of war!!! But who among us doesn't like to kick a little European tush from time to time? I mean, come on!

(Note to self: You are not the mayor anymore, O’Breckenridge is – so you just cannot go running around declaring war on people who annoy you – even though Idaho sure enough needs the ‘what for’ in that regard!!! Dang it all – and O’Breckenridge is such a peace loving man, too! Where is the fun in that?? What is the good of being a mayor who is not willing to declare war on those who vex you? For some reason Idaho pops into mind there! Public service has to have some perks, for crying out loud!)

Breaking News: Dadburn New Mayor Does More In 1st Week Than Previous 'Energetically Incompetent' Mayor Did In Last 4+ Years!

The Town of Lamont, long suspected of being incapable of growth, both personal and municipal, of any kind for at least the last 60+ years, stunned its detractors when they replaced their old, laggardly, chair-warming, hopelessly inept, annoying, shockingly ineffective, do-nothing of a mayor with Michael Breckenridge, a little dynamo in the rough who has lived in Lamont for the last 9+ years - which may seem like a long time, unless you live in Lamont where every moment can stretch into an eternity!! Breckenridge, a man who has been on the job for just about as long as it takes to properly smoke a turkey, obviously 'hit the ground running' and is in the process of cutting down a bunch of old, bad, dangerous trees (that that previous nincompoop mayor just hoped would blow down by themselves or something!), he has contacted long-neglected State agencies that might be able to help pull Lamont out of its death-cycle nose-dive, he took receipt of the new town library building materials, fixed a major, annoying water leak inherited from, who else, that previous mayor, and, on top of that, he has instilled confidence in a citizenry long-jaded by the previous administration best known for - well, what the heck was it best known for? (We mean actual 'good' things, that is?) Hmmmm. That is a tough one! What the heck did that sniveling hand-wringer actually do, anyway? Oh, just ponder those wasted years! What a crying shame! Oh, nothing is so completely lost as lost time - even in a place like Lamont!

"Well, I need to say right up front I didn't support that Breckenridge feller - I was for the other guy!" said Jed "Skeeter" Festoon - an area farmer/rancher. "Heck, anyone who has even a glimmer of promise for the future needs to be politically strangled in the cradle, if you ask me! People like that just tend to make me look bad, and rightly so!! But, after seeing that young Breckenridge whippersnapper in action, I have to say that I am just so glad that previous mayoral monstrosity is out of there, and that even I, a man who pretty much shuns human contact of all kinds in favor of spending time alone with my cows, am warming to the man! You have to admit, Breckenridge is a little go-getter - but that might run him afoul of the local establishment who just prefers to sit back and let the town slowly decay into a heap of ruins or whatever! I don't know what it is about Lamont needing someone from outside the town to come in here to set things right - especially given our long and sordid history with goofing up pretty much everything we 'old-timers' ever touched, (Whoop! Whoop! Understatement alert!!) but I guess I will have to give Michael Breckenridge a chance, just as long as he don't go letting no pigs and chickens into the town! Chickens scare me!! Oh, those horrid little beaks and all those disgusting feathers! I cannot even bring myself to think of those horrific little dinosaur feet they have just clattering away on the cobblestones or whatever!. (They look just like a parrot's - only somehow more chicken-like!!) Uggghhh!! Talk about a nightmare on wings - and wings you can actually eat, too! That is just sick!" he whispered with a panicked look in his beady, furtive little eyes! (Eyes that any reasonable person might conclude look startlingly like a dadburn chicken's! Whoa! What are the chances?)

When asked for comment, the previous mayor was on the record mumbling something about 'the unfairness of it all' and something about how 'he could have been a contender' or something - a quote we believe comes from some old Marlon Brando movie - you know, before he put on all that weight and all. Oh yeah - was it 'On The Waterfront" - maybe - well, we know it was not "Apocalypse Now" - that had something to do with WWII or the Civil War or whatever. Anyway, the old mayor was his usual, disorganized, imprecise, rambling self so we got no real insight on how he feels about being so easily supplanted in one week by Lamont's new, non-embarrassing mayor. But, we at the Lamont Blog have come to expect that from him. At least we have a guy now who can put two words together and have them make sense for a change. Wow, maybe this town really has turned the corner for the better - except if you are an old-timer who wants to see it decay into a ruined mass of junky debris, that is. Anyway, praise the Lord for Michael Breckenridge!! Now, maybe, the town has a fighting chance to avoid the dustbin of history. It will be a long, hard fight though. And that last stupid mayor didn't help the cause, either! Five years down the drain! Sheesh! Keep up the pace, Michael. That's a heck of a hole you are getting the town out of! Thank you!

Renowned Area Exorcist Provides Controversial Evidentiary Support For Lamont's 'Single Demon Theory'

An area exorcist, Father Anton Falconi, age 83, a man who has pretty much made a nice living off of casting out unholy spirits and disgruntled, underachieving demons in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the last 5+ decades or so, (And don't forget all of those boat payments he made over the years!! It's a great job if you can get it!! Talk about steady work!) has released his innovative "Single Demon Theory' in a sure-to-be talked about article in a leading trade journal "Exorcist Today", released late Tuesday. This new theory, which is drawing praise and acceptance from demonology experts and small town mayors across the nation, postulates that most small towns, rather than being demon-infested little nightmares just chocked full of Satan's spawn are, in fact, usually infested with one or possibly two unholy manifestations of evil that tend to jump from one person to the next, particularly when one unusually nasty and/or surprisingly anti-social specimen of American dysfunction is somehow encouraged to move to another town - so the demon has no choice but to move with them (And who would want to do that? They are so annoying! Yikes!) or jump to a formerly halfway-nice person (In the GLMA that is a relative statement! Whoa!) and begin to devilishly torment the town all over again - thus creating the impression that the whole dadburn place is a fiendish nest just crammed full of the foul little beasties, for crying out loud!

"Well, being an expert on Satan's slight of hand in the Lamont area for many decades, I am, for better or worse, probably one of the foremost experts on small town demonology on Planet Earth, I guess" said the ever-modest Father Falconi. "I mean, who would have guessed that when I graduated from exorcism school all those years ago that I would have hit the mother lode in my very first job? It is like a hungry mosquito sinking its suction thing into one of those big human arteries that lead directly away from the heart! In some ways I got more than I bargained for, but this is what I do for a living so I might as well keep busy, although the wife is always nagging at me to spend less time flinging Holy Water at people while they barf up pea soup all over my clean robes or whatever" he said thoughtfully. "Anyway, it didn't take me many years to realize that as soon as Lamont drove off one of Satan's puppets, usually to one of those towns just down the road or whatever, all of a sudden another person in the Town began to act the same exact way the former stooge of the devil acted - and usually within just a day or two!" he said enthusiastically. (Hey, it takes a few days to get moved in and settled and all of that!) "So, I began to catalog obvious signs of servitude to the 'dark lord', like shameless gossip, constant nagging at town officials, almost unbelievable fib-telling (as it relates to the town!!) and, of course, the main 'tell-tale sign' - being obsessed with the mayor in a quite unsettling and unholy way - and thru statistical analysis I determined that rather than having an endless legion of satanic spirits floating about the place, there were only one or two nightmarish manifestations that sure enough seem to get around, for crying out loud! What busy beavers!" he said with obvious professional although not spiritual admiration.

"Anyway, a year or 2 ago, we had a woman, let's call her 'Brunhilde' to preserve her anonymity (Sadly, that turns out to be her real name! Who is editing this rag, anyway?)) who lived here for her whole life and was the source of all the most energetic gossip and trouble-making in the Lamont area (which is saying a lot, if you think about it!!) - then she moved to another town in the State and within days a relatively new woman in town picked up the very same devil's banner, even developing the same pinched, screwed-up face and stomach-clearing bad breath, and began to wave that said satanic banner all over the place. Then there was that guy who moved here from another state, (we would, as always, like to blame Idaho but that is not, in fact, true! Dang it all!), anyway - he comes here, gets the full treatment from the Whitman County Sheriff's Dept and thus moves (thank goodness!) and, sure enough, another person in the area (GLMA) begins to act just like him, even imitating the bad regional accent and all of that, all within 48 doggone hours! And the dern demonic things are not gender specific either, or so it would appear! We had that case where a local woman, long known as the nastiest person anyone ever met (How and why did she ever move here and why didn't she leave sooner?) - you know, a loud-mouth, gum-smacking, beast-like trouble-maker and all whose only currency was discord, strife and husband humiliation - well, she moved out (talk about having a party!) and then a young man, a product of the very poisoned loins of Lamont itself, immediately began to act just like her! It was amazing!" said the gob-smacked demon destroyer while sipping his trademark 'herbal tea' (rumors of a shot of bourbon are as yet unconfirmed!) that may not drive off demons but is really rather soothing and takes the edge off! "He even began to wave his arms over his head and throw temper-tantrums just like she did! (Don't forget that whole spittle thing! Yikes!) I can show you the video! So, that is how I stumbled on the 'Single Demon Theory'. Plus, it is not like Hell has an unlimited budget and can go throwing infinite resources all over the place, especially to little towns like the 2nd smallest town in the State, for Pete's sake! Sure, the devil obviously covets Lamont, but he doesn't have bottomless pockets, now does he?" he concluded, making a mental note to make another 55-gallon drum of that doggone Holy Water and to pick up his stupid robes from the dry cleaners before his wife has to jump all over him again! (Oh, it is so easy to become forgetful when one gets older!)

Political Pressure Mounts To Repeal Controversial "Dumbest Son Inherits The Ranch" Clause In 100-Year-Old Lamont Constitution

In a bold move designed to undue over 100 years of precedent that has pretty much crippled the Town of Lamont and ruined countless lives thru the sheer, mind-numbing backwardness of the daily community discourse, a group of concerned citizens, almost exclusively made up of people 'not from around here' began passing around a petition that would repeal the legal mandate behind 'the son with the lowest IQ being required to inherit the ranch' and thus produce a similar prodigy to haunt future generations. "Well, I can see how, 100 years ago, some really smart son, probably filled with promise and able to offer the world his talents and energies, wanted to break with his father or whatever and leave the ranch, so he secretly slipped that little clause into the Town's Constitution or whatever!" said Dr. Martin Peterman, an area historian. "Well, one often hears of the "Law of Unintended Consequences' and all, but little did that free spirit who probably went off to some big city, married a pretty wife and had a great job or whatever know, but by putting the 'Dumbest Son' clause in there, that the Town of Lamont was doomed, for crying out loud! Think about it. Not only did the dumb sons pass on their genetic material to all subsequent generations, but how many of the smart women were willing to marry the dumb sons? So, you have 100 years of the dumb sons marrying the dumb daughters - and you do not have to be a genius to figure out that even the most robust gene pool would eventually grind to a halt after just a very few generations! Whoa!! I mean, come on!" he said with a rare scientific dispassion. (Hey, we thought he was a dadburn historian!!!) "The writing for Lamont's doom was written on the wall before the ink was even dry on the dadburned Town Constitution! Oh, what a real mess!" he fumed, wringing his hands vigorously!

"Anyway, so not only do you have the dumb reproducing with the dumb, but they would in turn hire farm/ranch employees who were as dumb or dumber than they were, (Oh, who wants some smarty-pants farm helper, for Pete's sake?) so thus the whole regional gene pool took an 'upper-cut' that sent it to the mat in no time at all. Sure, that one whipper-snapper might have managed to get out from under his dad's thumb, and no one begrudges him his freedom, but what a cost that was to the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) itself! Now one can see why there is no public restroom in Lamont after over 100 years! (and, almost unbelievably, many long-term locals still argue against one! Sadly, this is true!) It makes you wonder if they even have those new-fangled devices out on the ranch! (We won't even mention not painting the Town building for 60 years!) And now it is easy to piece together why there is such hostility to "outsiders" with all their 'Big City Ideas" (pronounced 'eye-dears') in the poor town! Each and every new person represents a genetic threat to the established although decidedly Luddite-like order so it must be attacked. One blessing, however, is that all of the enemies to progress are so dumb at this point that their feeble attempts at thwarting advancement are so easily repulsed - which in turn causes frustration with the long-term locals - so they must fall back upon the last resort of scoundrels - the angry mob - but they cannot even pull that one off very well either! (I mean, how hard is it to be a mob?) The whole dern place is just a mess - and all because the dumbest son inherited the ranch!!" he said disgustedly.

When asked for comment, the area Farm/Ranch spokesperson, Festus Bodine, 56, had no idea what we were even talking about and thus had no comment - at least not one even remotely related to the topic at hand, that is.

Area Farm Types, Cow Pokes And Fugitives From The Law Feverishly Cram For Grueling National 'Farm/Ranch Entrance Exams'

In an annual ritual that has area recent high school dropouts and people with murky criminal records hitting the coffee pot and sweating bullets, budding area farm/ranch folk have been hitting the books in the hopes that an 'appropriate' test score will catapult them into a largely thankless and oftentimes degrading job as a 'farm/ranch hand' or, should their scores be in the proper 10th percentile, they might possibly qualify for the highly coveted and dubious 'Bovine Maintenance Technician' dream job title!! (although the pay, when they can actually get it, is still theoretically minimum wage - yet that enhanced job title oftentimes entitles the bearer to an actual bowl of soup during the daily 10 minute lunch break). "Well, in order to get on with one of the spreads in these parts, a man has to know what he needs to know and not know what he doesn't need to know!" said Wilber Festoon, an area farmer/rancher who is currently under investigation by the Department of Labor for multiple counts of not paying his employees for all the hours they worked. "I mean, one of the good things about being a farmer/rancher is that we can be downright lazy, but regardless of how lazy and shiftless we are as a group, some genius in the 'Hollywood Dream Factory' keeps pumping out movie after movie extolling the hard working natures of people like us in the Heartland of America! How sweet is that! Just look at Lamont, for instance! The place has been surrounded by a finite number of farm/ranch families for over 100 years, and just look at the work we managed to avoid for all that time! It takes real planning to put off basic assignments like that for decades on end!" he sighed wearily while wiping his forehead with a decades-old yet still spotless handkerchief. "Sure, we in the Lamont area are unusually gifted at doing nothing, but I am sure some of this has to apply elsewhere, doesn't it!" he beamed modestly. (although incorrectly!)

"Anyway, regardless of how much we just sit around doing as close to zip as possible, the greater society at large still thinks we are out there in the cold, 'busting our humps' for the American way or whatever. What silly sheep the American people are! How sweet is that, though?" he chuckled. "So, needless to say, what work a modern ranch does require is usually contracted out to 'farm hands" who normally lack basic math skills so they will never know when we consistently pay them less than is their due! But even this is not easy! Of course that requires the farmers/ranchers themselves, thru sheer civic duty alone, to sit on the area school boards to ensure that all the money goes to sports programs and not education so that the average 8th grader does not go getting all uppity after they drop out and go demanding a full paycheck or whatever! So, needless to say, the national "Farm/Ranch Hand" aptitude tests are given, not to select the most knowledgeable, but to weed out the smarty-pants know-it-alls and those rabble-rousers who know something about their 'so-called' rights and all of that. A good thing for us now, though, is that the 8th grade drop-out rate is so high and the average overall scores are so low across the board that we can even now save a few bucks by cutting back on the dern test! That means more money for us to spend in the gift shop on our annual farmer/rancher dream vacations to Dollywood, for crying out loud!" he gushed while making a fake lasso motion! "And while we are gone, just think of all of those 'Farm Hand' hours worked that we can avoid paying thru shameless hook or crook!! Oh, the life of a farmer/rancher is sweet, indeed!' he concluded before rushing off to watch a re-run of Gunsmoke (for the 37th time!!) while his downtrodden 'farm hand' shuffles off to grab him yet another cold beer before he gets yelled at for inattention to vital job responsibilities!!

(Editorial Note: This poorly crafted article is about the hidden American 'caste system' - and should not be taken for a literal interpretation of the Lamont area in particular. If, however, you are of Lamont farmer/rancher stock and feel anger and/or guilty outrage after reading this article, and you know who you are, then it might be prudent to beg forgiveness from the Lord, modify your predatory world view as it relates to your neighbors and turn over a new leaf, for crying out loud! Why continue with such a failed lifestyle where nothing good ever gets done (certainly at the Town level! Whoa! Judge a tree by its fruit!) and others often get damaged so you can stuff a few ill-gotten shekels (all 30 of them, ironically!) into your malodorous overalls, for Pete's sake? Sheesh! Thank you!)

WA State Hopes Dashed After It Is Learned That Only The Former Mayor, Not the Entire Town Of Lamont, Is Moving To New Mexico

Flags were lowered to half mast across the Great State of Washington after it was learned that some overly exuberant employee within the modest yet normally highly efficient State government apparatus quite incorrectly reported to the power elite in Olympia that that constant burr under the State's saddle, the annoyingly laggardly and self-destructive Town of Lamont, was miraculously packing up 'lock, stock and barrel" and moving to the now unfortunate Land of Enchantment - also known as the Great State of New Mexico! "What the? Whoa! You mean Lamont is NOT moving to another state? Heads will roll! How can such an error of this magnitude ever happen - with all of the subsequent hopes that were raised to a fever pitch not seen since we won WWII or the Seahawks got into the Super Bowl a few years back?" said an unnamed State Cabinet official. "Dang it all, we had a huge party planned at the Governor's Mansion - and I made sure that there would be those spicy little chicken wing things I like so much! But now, not only do I not get my favorite finger food, but we are still stuck with Lamont? Oh, this is a dark day for the State of Washington, indeed! Someone is losing their job over this screw-up! Oh, talk about snatching defeat out of the slathering jaws of victory, for crying out loud! Why do we have to be the State that has Lamont? What did we ever do to deserve that? I mean, come on!" he raved with legislative wrath and gubernatorial fury!

"Oh, thank the Good Lord!!" said a high ranking New Mexico State government official rumored to be close to the Governor. "The minute we were contacted by the Homeland Security 'Undesirable Element' Division that the whole, doggone, decidedly dysfunctional Town of Lamont was moving to New Mexico, we immediately contemplated mobilizing the National Guard and/or changing our road signs in the hopes that Lamont would continue on thru our State and somehow end up in Texas or Old Mexico or whatever! (Talk about an international incident!!) I mean, it is bad enough that we are getting that former mayor of theirs, (well, that is a good point!) but the whole dern Town would have been more than this State could easily stomach. So, this is a banner day for the Great State of New Mexico! The Lord has smiled on us this day! Oh, talk about dodging the dysfunction bullet! Praise the Lord!" he beamed enthusiastically with arms outstretched to the heavens!! "Oh yeah, and in your face, Washington! You created that little problem up there, so you are the ones who need to deal with it and stop trying to pawn it off on other States!" he concluded while 'high-fiving' a handy lobbyist or whatever.

(Editorial Note: For the record, the GLMA (Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area), an area filled with supposedly handy 'farm/ranch types', has been unable to muster the organizational fortitude in over 100 years (can you believe that?) to put in a simple flush toilet and never managed to paint their one, single, solitary building in over 60 years (sad but true!), so if anyone assumes that the Town of Lamont, long known for flubbing up just about everything they ever touched, could somehow organize an official move to another state just does not understand the historical incompetence that has affected Lamont like some sort of 'municipal and organizational bubonic plague' or whatever. So, all you States (Idaho in particular!) that are worried that Lamont might show up on your doorstep, banjo in hand, can rest easier. The organizational skills needed to make that happen do not now nor have they ever existed, although we have a great new mayor who might be able to swing something, should the fancy strike him. Thank you!)

Town Emerges From Long, Hideous, Largely Surreal Nightmare By Electing A New, Cool, Smart, Savvy Mayor! (Its about time! Whoa!)

The Town of Lamont, a mere town (as opposed to a fancy-pants city like that doggone Long Beach or whatever), a backward-looking, half-baked hamlet pretty much right in the middle of nowhere (or, conversely, right in the middle of everything!) that is home to the occasional coyote and a stringy-looking, malodorous cow or two, emerged from what all agree was the 'Mayoral Dark Ages' when, as if a blessing from the very heavens themselves, their existing mayor, if we can use that term loosely, decided to move to another State (who cares, as long as it is out of Lamont which disqualifies him from holding office here!) and his long overdue replacement was selected by the ever-chipper and decidedly-relieved Town Council, late Thursday. The new Mayor, Michael Breckenridge, one of the rare inhabitants in a 12 mile radius (Also known as the GLMA - Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area!) who does not sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' and can do most multiplication tables up to the number 25 in his head, replaced the sad, laggardly, shop-worn, math challenged, largely ineffective and decidedly flummoxed existing mayor who, by some hideous glitch in the American electoral system, somehow remained at the Town's helm for over 5 years - amazingly enough without sparking some outrageously embarrassing international incident (Most likely with Canada! Oh, those Canadians are so touchy!) or some 'mini-civil war' with his constant harping about our potato-loving neighbors to the east - those somewhat thin-skinned (Like their dern potatoes! Whoa!) and long-grudge-holding Idahoans themselves!

"Well, I ain't one for no dern political cherry picking or whatever, but I for one am glad to see that previous tyranny of crushing incompetence come to an end!" said Jethro Festoon, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, it is bad enough being the 2nd smallest town in the State, especially since we do not now nor have we ever had a public toilet and all, but to have that former nincompoop as our titular head - well, that was just a touch too much for all of us! Like, how many strikes can one town have against itself, for Pete's sake? Don't we have it bad enough as it is without having a mayor like that last one - you know, with all them 'big city ways' like wanting sidewalks and indoor plumbing and all? This is Lamont! Big city ways have as much chance of surviving in this place as an alligator in the arctic or a salmon in Death Valley, for crying out loud! So, of course, Lamont would have to be burdened with that level of nonsense for over 5 years! Why is it always us? (Or should that be 'we'? Darn English language!) Oh yeah, life is fair! Why do the 'Pixies of Fate' always seem to take such pleasure in our multi-dimensional, prolonged, agonizing discomfiture, doggone it? At least we now have a new mayor who won't be a total embarrassment when out in public and all! That Breckenridge feller has lived here for over 9 years and seems to have his head screwed on straight, which will be a big dadburned adjustment for us all after that last administration, that is for sure!" he gushed. "Oh, this is a banner day for our humble little town! It is almost like a dream come true!"

(Editorial Note: Michael Breckenridge, although not unopposed for the open mayor position, is a rare 'media savvy', literate, business-oriented yet human-friendly individual who originally moved to Lamont from someplace normal like Nevada or whatever, and is the perfect fit for what ails Lamont - a list that goes to several single-spaced typed pages on a good day! It goes without saying that he will undoubtedly be vastly superior to that numbskull that he replaced (I mean, how hard is that?), but his quite extensive merits, along with more than a generous sprinkling of those often despised "big city ways' will uniquely position him to take Lamont to its next stage of social development - which, on the human cultural development spectrum rests somewhere between the 'Hunter/Gatherer' period and the often under-appreciated early Bronze Age! Good luck, Michael! Oh yeah, Michael, remember that to really fit in around here, you will need a well-worn pair of manure covered cowboy boots that you wear to all occasions!! (even the shower - should you break with your adoring citizenry and actually take one of the dern things!!) Don't make the same mistake that that last lackadaisical, chair-warming, good-for-nothing 'timbernoggin' made! Thank you!)

Area Cat Can't Believe Stupid Owner Would Ever Allow Him To Go Outside 'In Weather Like This'!

An area cat, Gordo, age 6, had to fight back feelings of inter-species betrayal and feline incredulity (never an emotion in short supply when cats are around!) when his owner (if such a term can ever be used for the somewhat tenuous 'Man/Cat' relationship) - you know, that guy who knows how to use the can opener and all - held the back door open for what seemed like some arctic eternity, insanely mumbling the words "You want to go out, Kitty? You want to go out?", as all the dadburn heat from the roaring fireplace was sucked wastefully into the great outdoors where it won't do man or beast a lick of good!. Gordo, an adventurous cat of undetermined (some might say suspect!) parentage, prides himself on never being a stranger to the odd excursion to the wood pile or some spontaneous hunting expedition out in the garden, but who is no fool either, and thus prefers to venture outside to smell stuff and make little cat piles when the mercury hovers somewhere in the positive digits - not some doggone below-zero nightmare scenario!

"Well, I had gotten up on the Sabbath and my cats were all patiently waiting for me in the kitchen, staring at me expectantly as I fumbled to make the morning coffee" said the quite insensitive 'cat owner', assuming he didn't just forfeit that title after his outrageous display of weather-related bad decision-making! "Anyway, when I turned back around, task complete, the darn cats were still there, although their somewhat insistent stares seemed to have increased in ominous intensity somehow!" he said wearily while hastily crossing himself and throwing salt over his shoulder for good measure! "So, I opened up a can of their favorite 'Kozy Kitten' that they proceeded to set upon like a pack of lions on the fresh carcass of a water buffalo or whatever, and when they were done (and after knocking about half the moist delicacy onto the dadburn kitchen carpet!) Gordo, as is his nature, went and stood by the back door, you know, that universal signal for wanting to be let out! How was I to know this was some elaborate 'loyalty test' that would later serve to undermine my perceived fitness as not only a cat owner, which might be understandable, but also as a halfway decent human being itself?" he said dejectedly, fighting back a mixture of shame and disbelief at the seeming unfairness of it all!! "Oh, and the looks of disgust I am getting from all three of the cats now! It would chill your blood and break your heart! Okay, I am sorry I didn't check the temperature before opening the door! I had just woken up and hadn't even had my coffee yet - and besides, the dadburned thermometer is on the back porch, for Pete's sake!!" he sniveled pathetically like some naughty school boy cowering in the Principal's office for some grievous (and repeated!) act of anti-social behavior, yet still showing a stubborn unwillingness and/or disturbing inability to take responsibility for his shocking levels of myopic insensitivity! (Oh, be a man already and face up to your unsettling and quite extensive shortcomings, for Pete's sake!!)

(Editorial Note: Well, we at the Lamont Blog have no choice but to side with the cat here. Although the statistically solid "Farmer's Almanac" predicted a decidedly 'warmer and wetter' winter, and that prediction has largely held up to local scrutiny, there have been periods of intense cold, like today, for instance, when it was the obscenely obnoxious "minus 2 degrees F', and thus any responsible human pet owner, given our supposed place at the top of the global 'food chain' and having all that so-called 'reasoning power', should have been able to recognize this quite significant variation from the greater weather pattern itself and adapted accordingly, that's all! Is that really too much to ask? I mean, come on! Thank you!)