Jan 17, 2011

Breaking News: Dadburn New Mayor Does More In 1st Week Than Previous 'Energetically Incompetent' Mayor Did In Last 4+ Years!

The Town of Lamont, long suspected of being incapable of growth, both personal and municipal, of any kind for at least the last 60+ years, stunned its detractors when they replaced their old, laggardly, chair-warming, hopelessly inept, annoying, shockingly ineffective, do-nothing of a mayor with Michael Breckenridge, a little dynamo in the rough who has lived in Lamont for the last 9+ years - which may seem like a long time, unless you live in Lamont where every moment can stretch into an eternity!! Breckenridge, a man who has been on the job for just about as long as it takes to properly smoke a turkey, obviously 'hit the ground running' and is in the process of cutting down a bunch of old, bad, dangerous trees (that that previous nincompoop mayor just hoped would blow down by themselves or something!), he has contacted long-neglected State agencies that might be able to help pull Lamont out of its death-cycle nose-dive, he took receipt of the new town library building materials, fixed a major, annoying water leak inherited from, who else, that previous mayor, and, on top of that, he has instilled confidence in a citizenry long-jaded by the previous administration best known for - well, what the heck was it best known for? (We mean actual 'good' things, that is?) Hmmmm. That is a tough one! What the heck did that sniveling hand-wringer actually do, anyway? Oh, just ponder those wasted years! What a crying shame! Oh, nothing is so completely lost as lost time - even in a place like Lamont!

"Well, I need to say right up front I didn't support that Breckenridge feller - I was for the other guy!" said Jed "Skeeter" Festoon - an area farmer/rancher. "Heck, anyone who has even a glimmer of promise for the future needs to be politically strangled in the cradle, if you ask me! People like that just tend to make me look bad, and rightly so!! But, after seeing that young Breckenridge whippersnapper in action, I have to say that I am just so glad that previous mayoral monstrosity is out of there, and that even I, a man who pretty much shuns human contact of all kinds in favor of spending time alone with my cows, am warming to the man! You have to admit, Breckenridge is a little go-getter - but that might run him afoul of the local establishment who just prefers to sit back and let the town slowly decay into a heap of ruins or whatever! I don't know what it is about Lamont needing someone from outside the town to come in here to set things right - especially given our long and sordid history with goofing up pretty much everything we 'old-timers' ever touched, (Whoop! Whoop! Understatement alert!!) but I guess I will have to give Michael Breckenridge a chance, just as long as he don't go letting no pigs and chickens into the town! Chickens scare me!! Oh, those horrid little beaks and all those disgusting feathers! I cannot even bring myself to think of those horrific little dinosaur feet they have just clattering away on the cobblestones or whatever!. (They look just like a parrot's - only somehow more chicken-like!!) Uggghhh!! Talk about a nightmare on wings - and wings you can actually eat, too! That is just sick!" he whispered with a panicked look in his beady, furtive little eyes! (Eyes that any reasonable person might conclude look startlingly like a dadburn chicken's! Whoa! What are the chances?)

When asked for comment, the previous mayor was on the record mumbling something about 'the unfairness of it all' and something about how 'he could have been a contender' or something - a quote we believe comes from some old Marlon Brando movie - you know, before he put on all that weight and all. Oh yeah - was it 'On The Waterfront" - maybe - well, we know it was not "Apocalypse Now" - that had something to do with WWII or the Civil War or whatever. Anyway, the old mayor was his usual, disorganized, imprecise, rambling self so we got no real insight on how he feels about being so easily supplanted in one week by Lamont's new, non-embarrassing mayor. But, we at the Lamont Blog have come to expect that from him. At least we have a guy now who can put two words together and have them make sense for a change. Wow, maybe this town really has turned the corner for the better - except if you are an old-timer who wants to see it decay into a ruined mass of junky debris, that is. Anyway, praise the Lord for Michael Breckenridge!! Now, maybe, the town has a fighting chance to avoid the dustbin of history. It will be a long, hard fight though. And that last stupid mayor didn't help the cause, either! Five years down the drain! Sheesh! Keep up the pace, Michael. That's a heck of a hole you are getting the town out of! Thank you!

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