Jan 23, 2011

Area Pastor Stuns Palouse By Endorsing Non-Biblical 'Theory Of Farmer/Rancher Evolution'

In a brazen move that is sure to 'twist a few tails' and put more than a few 'noses/snouts out of joint' in the largely Godless and spiritually destitute Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), an area pastor, (not a local one, so save me the hysterical hate mail! Come on, people! Shouldn't 'Christian' hate mail be some sort of oxymoron? Not in these parts, we guess! Whoa!) Jedediah Snopes, 56, threw caution to the wind and his already shaky faith out the dadburn window when, after touring any number of western states in order to view their farming/ranching practices first hand, he concluded that the largely discredited "Theory of Evolution' was indeed alive and well, regardless of what the Good Book says, because he'd 'seen it with his own dadburn eyes!'.

"Well, I have been in this area ever since I got my mail order Divinity Degree from one of them dern Asian countries or whatever, so it ain't like I am no doggone stranger to these parts, for crying out loud!" said Pastor Snopes, a man who is even willing to go by the title "Padre" should the unfortunate need arise, even though that is one of them crazy foreign words (which as we all know smack of Communist influence and subterfuge!) that run contrary to everything that the America we all know and love stands for. "Anyway, I have observed local farm/ranch operations first hand for many decades, I mean, how could I do otherwise, and 2 of the 3 total families that actually attend my church (on a good day!) are actual, 'card-carrying' farmers/ranchers themselves! (And his church is one of the largest within 25 miles! Whoa! What a spiritual Sahara Desert, for crying out loud! And whoever said that the heartland of America was 'God's Country', anyway? Well they ain't been to our neck of the woods recently, now have they!! Yikes!) "So, I knew that the wife had some knitting competition or something coming up, so I made up some 'fact finding' trip out West to get away from the old battle axe and to see a little bit of the vanishing Americana. Needless to say, I had to drive thru Idaho, which was unfortunate, and then I got lost and ended up in Texas, and then some hippie feller gave me directions outside of San Antonio (pronounced 'San An-tone"!) and the next thing I knew I was in dern Ohio or Iowa or whatever (Is there really a difference?), for crying out loud. Well, after making such a 'pig's breakfast' of my haphazard itinerary, I decided to head home in order to arrive on the day the wife actually left with that gaggle of annoying farm wife friends of hers, but I did get to see a whole lot of farming/ranching practices on my trip! And whoa, the only way to explain such a social, cultural, conversational and organizational difference between the States was that doggone evolution theory them Asian people told me was bad for some reason! Whoa! And my parishioners were the dadburn missing links in the whole dern mess! Oh, now how embarrassing is that?" he fumed! "I mean, it is bad enough being the pastor of a church that no sane human with even a dimming spark of spirituality would actually attend, but to have those, well, how do I say it, 'evolutionary challenged' members of the 'bi-pedal mammal' family attend on an almost twice-monthly basis - well, that is just plain dern embarrassing, let me tell you!" he snivelled piously!

No comments: