Jan 16, 2011

Renowned Area Exorcist Provides Controversial Evidentiary Support For Lamont's 'Single Demon Theory'

An area exorcist, Father Anton Falconi, age 83, a man who has pretty much made a nice living off of casting out unholy spirits and disgruntled, underachieving demons in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the last 5+ decades or so, (And don't forget all of those boat payments he made over the years!! It's a great job if you can get it!! Talk about steady work!) has released his innovative "Single Demon Theory' in a sure-to-be talked about article in a leading trade journal "Exorcist Today", released late Tuesday. This new theory, which is drawing praise and acceptance from demonology experts and small town mayors across the nation, postulates that most small towns, rather than being demon-infested little nightmares just chocked full of Satan's spawn are, in fact, usually infested with one or possibly two unholy manifestations of evil that tend to jump from one person to the next, particularly when one unusually nasty and/or surprisingly anti-social specimen of American dysfunction is somehow encouraged to move to another town - so the demon has no choice but to move with them (And who would want to do that? They are so annoying! Yikes!) or jump to a formerly halfway-nice person (In the GLMA that is a relative statement! Whoa!) and begin to devilishly torment the town all over again - thus creating the impression that the whole dadburn place is a fiendish nest just crammed full of the foul little beasties, for crying out loud!

"Well, being an expert on Satan's slight of hand in the Lamont area for many decades, I am, for better or worse, probably one of the foremost experts on small town demonology on Planet Earth, I guess" said the ever-modest Father Falconi. "I mean, who would have guessed that when I graduated from exorcism school all those years ago that I would have hit the mother lode in my very first job? It is like a hungry mosquito sinking its suction thing into one of those big human arteries that lead directly away from the heart! In some ways I got more than I bargained for, but this is what I do for a living so I might as well keep busy, although the wife is always nagging at me to spend less time flinging Holy Water at people while they barf up pea soup all over my clean robes or whatever" he said thoughtfully. "Anyway, it didn't take me many years to realize that as soon as Lamont drove off one of Satan's puppets, usually to one of those towns just down the road or whatever, all of a sudden another person in the Town began to act the same exact way the former stooge of the devil acted - and usually within just a day or two!" he said enthusiastically. (Hey, it takes a few days to get moved in and settled and all of that!) "So, I began to catalog obvious signs of servitude to the 'dark lord', like shameless gossip, constant nagging at town officials, almost unbelievable fib-telling (as it relates to the town!!) and, of course, the main 'tell-tale sign' - being obsessed with the mayor in a quite unsettling and unholy way - and thru statistical analysis I determined that rather than having an endless legion of satanic spirits floating about the place, there were only one or two nightmarish manifestations that sure enough seem to get around, for crying out loud! What busy beavers!" he said with obvious professional although not spiritual admiration.

"Anyway, a year or 2 ago, we had a woman, let's call her 'Brunhilde' to preserve her anonymity (Sadly, that turns out to be her real name! Who is editing this rag, anyway?)) who lived here for her whole life and was the source of all the most energetic gossip and trouble-making in the Lamont area (which is saying a lot, if you think about it!!) - then she moved to another town in the State and within days a relatively new woman in town picked up the very same devil's banner, even developing the same pinched, screwed-up face and stomach-clearing bad breath, and began to wave that said satanic banner all over the place. Then there was that guy who moved here from another state, (we would, as always, like to blame Idaho but that is not, in fact, true! Dang it all!), anyway - he comes here, gets the full treatment from the Whitman County Sheriff's Dept and thus moves (thank goodness!) and, sure enough, another person in the area (GLMA) begins to act just like him, even imitating the bad regional accent and all of that, all within 48 doggone hours! And the dern demonic things are not gender specific either, or so it would appear! We had that case where a local woman, long known as the nastiest person anyone ever met (How and why did she ever move here and why didn't she leave sooner?) - you know, a loud-mouth, gum-smacking, beast-like trouble-maker and all whose only currency was discord, strife and husband humiliation - well, she moved out (talk about having a party!) and then a young man, a product of the very poisoned loins of Lamont itself, immediately began to act just like her! It was amazing!" said the gob-smacked demon destroyer while sipping his trademark 'herbal tea' (rumors of a shot of bourbon are as yet unconfirmed!) that may not drive off demons but is really rather soothing and takes the edge off! "He even began to wave his arms over his head and throw temper-tantrums just like she did! (Don't forget that whole spittle thing! Yikes!) I can show you the video! So, that is how I stumbled on the 'Single Demon Theory'. Plus, it is not like Hell has an unlimited budget and can go throwing infinite resources all over the place, especially to little towns like the 2nd smallest town in the State, for Pete's sake! Sure, the devil obviously covets Lamont, but he doesn't have bottomless pockets, now does he?" he concluded, making a mental note to make another 55-gallon drum of that doggone Holy Water and to pick up his stupid robes from the dry cleaners before his wife has to jump all over him again! (Oh, it is so easy to become forgetful when one gets older!)

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