Jan 12, 2011

Political Pressure Mounts To Repeal Controversial "Dumbest Son Inherits The Ranch" Clause In 100-Year-Old Lamont Constitution

In a bold move designed to undue over 100 years of precedent that has pretty much crippled the Town of Lamont and ruined countless lives thru the sheer, mind-numbing backwardness of the daily community discourse, a group of concerned citizens, almost exclusively made up of people 'not from around here' began passing around a petition that would repeal the legal mandate behind 'the son with the lowest IQ being required to inherit the ranch' and thus produce a similar prodigy to haunt future generations. "Well, I can see how, 100 years ago, some really smart son, probably filled with promise and able to offer the world his talents and energies, wanted to break with his father or whatever and leave the ranch, so he secretly slipped that little clause into the Town's Constitution or whatever!" said Dr. Martin Peterman, an area historian. "Well, one often hears of the "Law of Unintended Consequences' and all, but little did that free spirit who probably went off to some big city, married a pretty wife and had a great job or whatever know, but by putting the 'Dumbest Son' clause in there, that the Town of Lamont was doomed, for crying out loud! Think about it. Not only did the dumb sons pass on their genetic material to all subsequent generations, but how many of the smart women were willing to marry the dumb sons? So, you have 100 years of the dumb sons marrying the dumb daughters - and you do not have to be a genius to figure out that even the most robust gene pool would eventually grind to a halt after just a very few generations! Whoa!! I mean, come on!" he said with a rare scientific dispassion. (Hey, we thought he was a dadburn historian!!!) "The writing for Lamont's doom was written on the wall before the ink was even dry on the dadburned Town Constitution! Oh, what a real mess!" he fumed, wringing his hands vigorously!

"Anyway, so not only do you have the dumb reproducing with the dumb, but they would in turn hire farm/ranch employees who were as dumb or dumber than they were, (Oh, who wants some smarty-pants farm helper, for Pete's sake?) so thus the whole regional gene pool took an 'upper-cut' that sent it to the mat in no time at all. Sure, that one whipper-snapper might have managed to get out from under his dad's thumb, and no one begrudges him his freedom, but what a cost that was to the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) itself! Now one can see why there is no public restroom in Lamont after over 100 years! (and, almost unbelievably, many long-term locals still argue against one! Sadly, this is true!) It makes you wonder if they even have those new-fangled devices out on the ranch! (We won't even mention not painting the Town building for 60 years!) And now it is easy to piece together why there is such hostility to "outsiders" with all their 'Big City Ideas" (pronounced 'eye-dears') in the poor town! Each and every new person represents a genetic threat to the established although decidedly Luddite-like order so it must be attacked. One blessing, however, is that all of the enemies to progress are so dumb at this point that their feeble attempts at thwarting advancement are so easily repulsed - which in turn causes frustration with the long-term locals - so they must fall back upon the last resort of scoundrels - the angry mob - but they cannot even pull that one off very well either! (I mean, how hard is it to be a mob?) The whole dern place is just a mess - and all because the dumbest son inherited the ranch!!" he said disgustedly.

When asked for comment, the area Farm/Ranch spokesperson, Festus Bodine, 56, had no idea what we were even talking about and thus had no comment - at least not one even remotely related to the topic at hand, that is.

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