Jan 7, 2011

Town Emerges From Long, Hideous, Largely Surreal Nightmare By Electing A New, Cool, Smart, Savvy Mayor! (Its about time! Whoa!)

The Town of Lamont, a mere town (as opposed to a fancy-pants city like that doggone Long Beach or whatever), a backward-looking, half-baked hamlet pretty much right in the middle of nowhere (or, conversely, right in the middle of everything!) that is home to the occasional coyote and a stringy-looking, malodorous cow or two, emerged from what all agree was the 'Mayoral Dark Ages' when, as if a blessing from the very heavens themselves, their existing mayor, if we can use that term loosely, decided to move to another State (who cares, as long as it is out of Lamont which disqualifies him from holding office here!) and his long overdue replacement was selected by the ever-chipper and decidedly-relieved Town Council, late Thursday. The new Mayor, Michael Breckenridge, one of the rare inhabitants in a 12 mile radius (Also known as the GLMA - Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area!) who does not sport the Lamont trademark 'mono-brow' and can do most multiplication tables up to the number 25 in his head, replaced the sad, laggardly, shop-worn, math challenged, largely ineffective and decidedly flummoxed existing mayor who, by some hideous glitch in the American electoral system, somehow remained at the Town's helm for over 5 years - amazingly enough without sparking some outrageously embarrassing international incident (Most likely with Canada! Oh, those Canadians are so touchy!) or some 'mini-civil war' with his constant harping about our potato-loving neighbors to the east - those somewhat thin-skinned (Like their dern potatoes! Whoa!) and long-grudge-holding Idahoans themselves!

"Well, I ain't one for no dern political cherry picking or whatever, but I for one am glad to see that previous tyranny of crushing incompetence come to an end!" said Jethro Festoon, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, it is bad enough being the 2nd smallest town in the State, especially since we do not now nor have we ever had a public toilet and all, but to have that former nincompoop as our titular head - well, that was just a touch too much for all of us! Like, how many strikes can one town have against itself, for Pete's sake? Don't we have it bad enough as it is without having a mayor like that last one - you know, with all them 'big city ways' like wanting sidewalks and indoor plumbing and all? This is Lamont! Big city ways have as much chance of surviving in this place as an alligator in the arctic or a salmon in Death Valley, for crying out loud! So, of course, Lamont would have to be burdened with that level of nonsense for over 5 years! Why is it always us? (Or should that be 'we'? Darn English language!) Oh yeah, life is fair! Why do the 'Pixies of Fate' always seem to take such pleasure in our multi-dimensional, prolonged, agonizing discomfiture, doggone it? At least we now have a new mayor who won't be a total embarrassment when out in public and all! That Breckenridge feller has lived here for over 9 years and seems to have his head screwed on straight, which will be a big dadburned adjustment for us all after that last administration, that is for sure!" he gushed. "Oh, this is a banner day for our humble little town! It is almost like a dream come true!"

(Editorial Note: Michael Breckenridge, although not unopposed for the open mayor position, is a rare 'media savvy', literate, business-oriented yet human-friendly individual who originally moved to Lamont from someplace normal like Nevada or whatever, and is the perfect fit for what ails Lamont - a list that goes to several single-spaced typed pages on a good day! It goes without saying that he will undoubtedly be vastly superior to that numbskull that he replaced (I mean, how hard is that?), but his quite extensive merits, along with more than a generous sprinkling of those often despised "big city ways' will uniquely position him to take Lamont to its next stage of social development - which, on the human cultural development spectrum rests somewhere between the 'Hunter/Gatherer' period and the often under-appreciated early Bronze Age! Good luck, Michael! Oh yeah, Michael, remember that to really fit in around here, you will need a well-worn pair of manure covered cowboy boots that you wear to all occasions!! (even the shower - should you break with your adoring citizenry and actually take one of the dern things!!) Don't make the same mistake that that last lackadaisical, chair-warming, good-for-nothing 'timbernoggin' made! Thank you!)

No comments: