Jan 27, 2011

Shock: Church Plans Quite Disturbing “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” Fundraiser To Help Fill Largely Depleted/Squandered Coffers

A local church, one of several in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), that supposedly serves the spiritual needs of a citizenry that pretty much everyone agrees “is largely on the wrong side in the battle of good versus evil”, (Hey, judge a tree by it's fruit, as the Good Book says!) sent out a flyer late Tuesday encouraging people long accustomed to no real church presence whatsoever to attend what we all hope is not now an ‘annual event’ – the much hyped yet downright disgusting “Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed” to be held at their church (one of several in the spiritually blighted and thus largely forlorn area, by the way!) on February 13th. The offending church (if we can use the term loosely), known locally as “Our Lady Of Outrageous Heresy”, (As well as the 'Lamont Country Club' with highly restrictive, cattle-related membership rules) will be serving the stomach-churning ‘so-called’ food items, (taken from any number of unfortunate animals against their expressed will), in a variety of ways – fried, barbecued, sauteed and, of course, raw, in the spirit of our Japanese brothers who made that whole doggone yet still somewhat suspect ‘sushi thing’ famous.

“Well, I just ain’t sure that Rocky Mountain Oysters (RMO’s) are appropriate as a culinary representation of modern Christianity, that’s all - but it does kind of make sense in a Lamont context, I guess!” said Festus Festoon, 63, an area farmer/rancher. “Although I ain't no “Old Testament” scholar or nothing, but shouldn't that particular and decidedly unappetizing ‘cow part’ be considered unclean or non-kosher or whatever the heck that is? Somehow that whole fundraiser thing just seems very, very wrong! You know, them churches don’t seem to care about us at all and the only time we ever hear from them is when they want to go shamelessly messing in the town politics and feel the need to stir up a mob (never a hard thing to do around here!) contrary to that whole ‘separation of church and State’ thing, so why now, all of a sudden, do they want to go foisting some disgusting body part on us just so that they can raise their ‘30 pieces of silver’ to go promoting their decidedly non-biblical and nefarious ends that, as we can all see with our own eyes, have nothing to do with the bible whatsoever? Well, there ain’t nobody from the whole dern town proper that goes to that so-called church over yonder, (they all come in from the surrounding area ranches when they get off their dead rear-ends and drive in! What does that tell you? Can you have an actual 'town church' with no actual town people? Hmmmmmm! Only in Lamont, we guess! Oh, why is it always us or we or whatever the proper English is! Dang, why are we always so challenged?) so why would they expect us to eat disgusting cow body parts in the dern place? That just seems suspicious to me, that’s all. The whole thing just smacks of some sort of disturbing paganism or devilry or whatever, if you ask me! (For the record, the GLMA has any number of devout, earnest and committed church goers, but most go to Sprague or St. John or Ritzville to be spiritually and, thankfully, bodily fed. Whoa!)

“Well, thankfully, I ain’t the mayor no more, that Breckenridge feller is, but like I always said, if you don’t have a church that holds up the true spiritual banner of the Lord and not some counterfeit from 'you-know-who', then the doggone town is darn near impossible to govern at even the most basic level!” said a thankfully former mayor, what’s his dern name, age 47. “If you have a bad church or churches that basically do nothing or, even worse, actively support the criminals and ne’re-do-wells and scoff-laws, then of course the whole place will eventually go to ‘hell in a hand basket’. If a church spends all its time trying to be Caesar and thus kicks the things of the Lord to the curb, of course that will trickle down to the Town itself, with all the subsequent societal dysfunctions that seem to be so common in – well, yeah, places like Lamont. (And other small towns, too! Surely we cannot be the only ones! But then again, this is the GLMA, and who would have thought we would not have a public flush toilet after 100 years, for Pete’s sake! It does all seem to be connected, if you think about it! Whoa!) “Anyway, if them churches would just focus on the things churches are supposed to do, as defined by the bible, - you know, that whole 'Lord's Vineyard' thing and all, and thus spend less time trying to set up some satanic and/or earthly theocracy where they are the ones in charge or whatever, (And, not that they care, but that devilish power-grab runs counter to our dadburned form of government, BTW!) the whole dern place would improve by leaps and bounds, that’s all. But this is Lamont, so maybe they will figure that out in the next 100 years or so. (Don't bet on it!) But we just need to focus on getting a flush toilet now. Some things are just long overdue… And come to think of it, them church people and their dark, mischief-loving minions/lackeys are the ones feebly attempting to throw roadblocks in the way of the new library where our first flush toilet will actually reside. (Thank you Whitman County for funding it!! Oh, we have the best county government in the dadburn State! Oh, Lamont is so blessed by being situated here!) Dang, can indoor plumbing really be such an obvious sign of the Lord’s blessing that the wayward church(es) would feel the need to fight so strongly against it – like they do their actual biblical mission? Wow! This will be interesting to watch! Stay tuned, folks!” he concluded before going to fetch a ham sandwich and a glass of lukewarm buttermilk before settling back to watch the wheat grow!

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