Jan 20, 2011

Cheryl Loeffler, World's Coolest Clerk/Treasurer, Doubles Productivity After Former "Deadwood" Mayor Finally Gets The Heck Out Of The Way!

Although already at the top of her game in an industry that has produced such superstars as "Kynda Browning' of Tekoa and, of course, that doggone "Darlene LaShaw" of Rockford fame with her fancy fairgrounds and all (just to name a few of the wonderful clerk/treasurers! Whitman and Spokane counties are chocked full of the amazing 'go-getters'! What a blessing for the citizenry and those hapless mayors!), Cheryl Loeffler, that well-oiled machine from Fairfield, WA, for the first time since coming on-board the decidedly leaking ship known as Lamont, is set to break even more clerk/treasurer productivity records now that she does not have to work thru and/or around a deadwood encumbrance mayor who is moving to New Mexico - or at least we hope he is moving, when the weather gets a little better and he gets up off his dead rear-end to do some minor repairs around the doggone house so he can sell the dern thing! "Well, having a good clerk/treasurer is the key to any small town's success, so when Lamont somehow managed to convince Cheryl to come on-board (thru a series of outrageous fibs, shocking exaggerations and no small amount of sniveling, groveling and shameless begging!) we thought we had finally died and gone to heaven! Oh, it was like a dream come true!!" said an unnamed Councilperson while gazing thankfully to the heavens! "Then we all realized that she was going to have to unfortunately work with our former mayor, and, of course, we were all thrown into a hideous funk because we felt certain that she would just quit on the spot the first time she laid eyes on him! Finally we had gotten a good one, but, once again, we had that little 'mayor problem' that is pretty darn hard to sweep under the doggone rug, for Pete's sake! (Oh, believe me, we tried to sweep! Oh, how we tried!) Anyway! Somehow she managed to keep her spirits up until he decided to leave on his own, thank goodness for us all - so now she has no real, overt reason to bolt from us, we hope, other than the fact that we do not have a restroom and - oh yeah, the Lamontazoids are like they are - and the place does smell like those unfortunate cow-byproducts 24/7, and we didn't get our first vehicle until 2008 and we don't have a store and all. But hey, we have a new mayor now, one with promise, ability, intelligence, wit, more than basic math skills, above average reading comprehension, computer savvy above that of a kindergartener, eating manners not straight out of some caveman movie, a rudimentary fashion sense (green pants with a purple shirt open to the navel were the previous mayor's informal uniform, for crying out loud!! And all those gold chains with his astrological symbol and all! Yikes! It was all so very nauseating in a 1970's sort of way!), and who has all his own teeth, for Pete's sake! (and who doesn't cut his own hair! Oh, that was so unsettling, too!) So, that is at least a step in the right direction, I guess" he said hopefully while crossing himself for good measure!

"Well, I never liked that previous do-nothing mayor none, so on some level I am happy for Cheryl, or at least as happy as I can be for another human being, given that I am a committed, certifiable, pathological narcissist (in the top 10%, for Pete's sake!) and all" said Jethro Bodine, an area farm/ranch spokesperson who likes to meddle in the town but never lifts a finger to help the place. "Anyway, I just think it is a crying shame that some guy that was the mayor of our town would ever move to a State that has another country's name in the dern thing! What is that, some sort of commie 'mumbo-jumbo' or something? It's a dern foreign country, for Pete's sake - and on top of that, that 'so-called' State is down there with a long, undefended border nestled right up against a bunch of dadburned foreigners! (Ahhh, hello!!! What do you call Canada? Yikes, there are millions of those sneaky little Canadian types running around loose up there! Oh, the world is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell you!) No wonder he tried to bring in all them 'Big City Ways' like sidewalks, the basic rule of law and a dadburned library! He's a doggone card-carrying commie who is moving to a State with another country's name in it! If that ain't against the law, I don't know what is! I knew it! Oh, that poor Cheryl has been working with the likes of Joseph Stalin himself! How she stood up under all that commie clap-trap and still got all the bills out each month is just a testament to the professionalism of the woman! She's a hero, I say! Dang, now that you put it that way, I think we ought to give her a raise! A big one! But at least that Breckenridge feller cannot help but be a major improvement, (being worse or even the same is almost a metaphysical impossibility!) unless he goes on trying to 'citify' the place. Lamont just needs to go back to where it was, in the final 10% of a long, slow, sad decline, that's all. But yeah, Cheryl needs a raise - they can chock it up to hazardous duty pay or whatever - surely they have a budget category for that sort of thing, don't they?" said the nosy rancher who has real control issues! "Its just nice that someone with her professional demeanor and ability would condescend to come help out a little, troubled, needy, yet downright cute town like Lamont, if you ask me!" he said suspiciously, given that his statement had something positive in there (the cute part!) and that normally means he wants something or something that doesn't belong to him is already in the back of his truck!

(Editorial Note: Well, we may be cute, but once you get a prolonged exposure to a shockingly large number of the area folks - well, some of the bloom potentially fades from the already weathered rose, or so the theory goes! But what do we know? The only job we could get after journalism school was on the Lamont Blog? How sad is that? Oh, I feel a major depression coming on! Thank goodness my mother believes that I sell ladies shoes at a thrift store!! The truth would probably kill the poor woman! Oh, now I am getting a migraine, too? When life gives you lemons, make dadburned lemonade, right? Oh, what a load of hooey! Oh, Earth, you cruel orb, why must you grind me to powder? Couldn't I at least have gotten a job at the Thrifty Nickel ad paper or something? The Lamont Blog! Now that is just plain cruel! Thank you, I guess!)

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