Jan 31, 2011

Area Voodoo Priestess Gets Mad At Stupid 'Saran Wrap' For The Last Dadburn Time

In the fine Lamont tradition of ‘Don’t just get mad, get even!’, an area voodoo priestess, Mumbuto Kahentara, (aka – Betsy Bodine, 56, an area farm/ranch wife - when she ain't out gossiping!) one of the several voodoo professionals in the highly competitive “Lamont Satanic Services Industry’ finally had had enough already when she was trying to cover her one remaining piece of ‘Popeye’s Fried Chicken’ with “Saran Wrap” when the whole dern roll got all tangled up and ‘discombobulated’ and, having no other option, she threw the whole dern mess in the garbage and immediately began filling the somewhat cattle-scented air with strange incantations and fiendish curses not seen in the town since Whitman County gave Lamont an outrageously generous grant for a new dadburn library! “Well, although that whole voodoo curse thing kind of gives me the creeps and all, given my preference for Wicca, on some level I feel that some sort of higher cosmic justice has been done here, that’s all” said Thelma Festoon, 63, a part time farm wife and alpha busybody/snoot bag/shameless gossip. “I mean, just look at the collective frustrations and anxiety that fancy-pants so-called “scientist’ unleashed on the world with his supposed ‘life improving’ invention and all! Sure, having a thin film of germ resistant plastic to cover food sure seems like a good idea, but somehow they made the whole dern mess so intent on clinging to itself, like some catatonic 3rd grader in a horror movie, that the modern abomination just ain’t worth a dern hoot, if you ask me” she raged, spittle flying in an almost perfect 180 degree arc. “So, there you go! All them fancy scientists who actually managed to graduate from high school or whatever who think they can go inventing all this nonsense for “the betterment of mankind’ had better start thinking twice if they know what’s good for them! We are as mad as ‘H – E - Double Toothpicks’ now and we ain’t going to take it anymore, doggone it!” she stammered, reaching near apoplexy.

“But hey, that whole ‘turning him into a cane toad’ thing did seem a little harsh. What would have been wrong with turning him into a coyote or whatever? But who am I to argue with the larger scales of societal justice? I am just a meek and submissive farm wife who dotes on her husband and all” she lied outrageously, shamelessly attempting to cover up the fact that the women for miles around really ‘rule the roost’ around here – and the men, who obviously have punted their biblical responsibilities as the head of the house, just sit back cringing as each new tsunami of farm wife pettiness sweeps over the lowly and largely misunderstood Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) for the detriment of all. Yikes! Where are the men in the place! Whatever happened to that ‘rugged individualism’ thing the West is supposedly known for? If you cannot stand up to your wife, for Pete’s sake, and keep her from sowing the seeds of obnoxious mischief all over the place, what dern good are you, anyway? Shame on you, you cringing wallflowers! Be a man already! Stop letting your womenfolk trample the culture, such as it is, while you sit back cowering and mumbling 'yes dear' like some rightless hand-servant or whatever! Don’t you see how embarrassing that is? Come on! How hard is it to be a man? We got the easy gender, for crying out loud! Sheesh!

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