Feb 19, 2009

Area Rancher Is Almost Positive That He Had More Cows Than That

After emerging from the house after a long three-day weekend, local rancher Buzz Snopes, heir to the once promising yet decidedly mediocre Snope's cattle concern, was shocked and dismayed to discover that he owned far fewer cows than previously thought. "What the heck?" What the.....? What happened to my once proud herd?" Snopes said after frantically looking behind the garage and in the small tool shed for any stragglers. "If this is all I got, then I am, in all fairness, no longer a rancher but am sadly in the 'guy that only has a few cows' category" he said regrettably. "And does this mean that they will kick me out of the Grange and/or make me sit in the back pew of the church with all those other unfortunate 'no cow' people? Just what the heck does this mean, really?" he asked inquisitively. "Have I inadvertently crossed some unseen social barrier that I was unaware of?"

Ex-rancher Snopes, an avid TV watcher, left his sprawling herd late Friday (after spending an inordinately long time in the 'tack room' where the hooch his wife doesn't know about is hidden - although there is no evidence of any actual imbibing) and went indoors to watch the entire 72 hour" Gunsmoke" marathon on TNT that highlights the golden years of the less than 'Wild West' and because of his fondness for Miss Kitty, the show's unfortunate trollop with a heart of gold. "Well, when the wife told me about the TV marathon, she mistakenly said it was for 'Bonanza' so I was all excited about seeing that lost episode where the Chinese cook, Hop Sing, finally loses it after years of subtle abuse and second class status (and little actual character development and growth) and turns all "Kung Fu" on the whole family until that bumbling blowhard "Hoss" had to finally sit on him to calm him down. That surprisingly graceful flying kick to 'Little Joe's' breadbasket while shouting obscenities in some foreign language was really impressive (those words were assumed to be obscenities - although no one is really sure given that no one speaks whatever language he was shouting as he went berserk), although the follow-up karate chops to the neck and shoulders as "Little Joe" lay crumpled over gasping for air and making gurgling sounds were kind of an overkill, in my humble opinion." said the rancher.

"Anyway! So, when I sat down in front of the TV with my jumbo bag of pork rinds and a big glass of lukewarm buttermilk and realized it was, in fact, a 'Gunsmoke' marathon, my disappointment was short lived because I have always appreciated the quiet dignity and poise that "Miss Kitty" maintained as she struggled in her role as a woman of strict moral fiber in the world's oldest profession. What a contradiction! What talent!!!" he beamed thoughtfully. "I could fall hard for a woman like that!" he mumbled - experiencing a rare moment of self-actualization as he glanced up at the house with guilt and regret for 'what might have been'.

"So, when I went outside after 72 hours of Hollywood inspired fluff (without a single cow patty in sight, by the way!!) and took a look at my once proud herd, it is no overstatement to say I was a little taken aback. I know we have been eating a lot of beef lately, but this is ridiculous! I knew I should have never bought that fancy new BBQ grill off that doggone shopping channel but that English sounding guy seemed so sincere and caring!! But on a happy note, I never could stand cows in the first place and the only reason I am even here is that out of all of my brothers I got the lowest test scores, so being the family dullard I stayed on the ranch as my smarter, more social brothers went off into the world to seek fame and fortune" he said. "And now that the old man retired and moved down South with Ma to be closer to "Dollywood" and the "Grand Old Opera" and I no longer have to live up to his impossible standards, I guess there is nothing holding me here other than a complete and total lack of skills outside of handling large livestock, that is. And who wants to be a rancher after that whole "Brokeback Mountain' fiasco, anyway? That kind of ruined it for a lot of us." said Snopes. "Well, there is nothing to do about it now. I wonder if 'Big Valley" is on yet. I could use a little Hollywood inspired ranching advice to see me thru this rough patch" he said optimistically.

1 comment:

All Uppity About The Local Ranchin' Peckin' Order said...

That's the "Grand Ole Opry" ya varmint! No wonder yer so sad in the sack. Bet next you'll be buyin' season tickets to watch Eckart Preu wave a plastic stick at his penguins. Harumph! You've got what you deserve. And when we're all snickering at you behind yer back at the potluck [if there ever is another potluck], you'll know we're all sayin' the same thing about you: "All hat an' no cattle!" Now, git!