Feb 3, 2009

Local Cow Disheartened To Learn Much Prized "Gang Tattoo" Is Just Rancher's Brand For Easy Identification

In a disturbing realization that not only undermines years of self-identity and a sense of belonging to 'something bigger than himself', a local cow's self concept was laid low after he realized that rather than belonging to a renegade group of 'homeboys' known as the "Hooves", he was in fact just one small cog in the much larger American food distribution system. Another painful aspect of this realization was also highlighted by the fact that, rather than a mark of rebellion and freedom, this once proud and highly cherished symbol on his hip, in reality, means that he will at some point be baked, barbecued, sauteed or stir fried by strangers who don't appreciate the struggles he has endured on behalf of his 'herd" - and that he is just a pawn of 'the man', after all.

"Well, this pulling the rug out from under his self perception like that has to be damaging on so many levels" said Sue Martin, an area animal behaviorist. "First off, belonging to the group has been important to cows for many years - especially in the presence of predators. There is a natural growth of gang loyalties and a suspicion of outsiders and 'cows of a different color', if you will. But to realize that your whole social structure is one big farce and that the only reason for his existence is to be served up on 'the man's' table and that all of his hopes and dreams of respect and freedom are all just vapors is a hard blow to take. To realize that your life has no independent purpose is a hard pill to swallow, but on some level it is one that we all must face at some point, I assume" she said.


Sympathy On The Hoof said...

Boy, talk about a cow whose feed trough is half empty. Sounds like we don't need an animal behaviorist; we need a bovine psychotherapist!

First, please don't call them cows; that's what contributes to the self-loathing that leads them into gang culture.

Miss Martin needs to take up a combined sideline of nail tech, aesthetician and color consultant. She needs to give these sullen beasts a good pedicure and paint their hooves. A spin of the Pantone color wheel to see what spring fashions they should be wearing would also help. There's nothing like a Rodeo Drive makeover to pull up the spirits of an uncontented Heifer-American.

For higher self-esteem, I suggest entering some into the Miss Teen Lamont contest. Tell them the winner gets a Golden Calf award and a special place at "the man's" table.

They've alway heard it's a "cow eat cow" world. That's how bovine spongiform encephalitis got its start, and now the whole world knows. Let our Lamonsters live the dream!

Anonymous said...

Cows are always female and are called "she" instead of "he." Cattle is a generic term meaning both male and female but cows are always female!

Catty Kitty said...

Oh come now, thou confused cow apologist. Cattle is a grouping term meaning a herd of cats! You have heard of cats, no?

But really, we're off subject here. Let's talk about bovine motivation. As Gary Larson's cartoon lawyer famously cross-examined the cow in a panel of "The Far Side":
"Look. We know how you did it -- how is no longer the question. What we now want to know is why. ... Why now, brown cow?"