Town of Lamont Gripped By Turmoil Over Movie Choice For Family Movie Night

Although seemingly impossible, the social fabric of the Town of Lamont was stretched even further this week (without actually breaking) after it was learned that the Valentine's Day movie being put on for free in the Town (with free hotdogs, popcorn and drinks, too - every second Saturday of the month - 6:30 PM - Community Center) has, in fact, something to do with a young boy saving chimps or something and is not, as originally understood, a new 'Planet of the Apes" type flick with tons of action scenes and gratuitous, inter-species violence.

"Oh, the humanity! I can't believe what I am hearing!" bellowed the Mayor who believes that all 'Chick Flicks" are part of a greater communist conspiracy to soften the nation and make it ripe for overthrow. "Although this is not an actual 'town function' but is put on by Ruth Simpson and other 'Friends of Lamont'; as an elected official I still have a stake in making sure this small part of the country does not become a refuge for 'tree huggers', 'peaceniks' and people who wear berets and that sort of thing" said the Mayor - who thought the movie "Terminator II" was a borderline love story. "So, we are showing some movie about a boy saving chimps and finding a mother's love??? Oh, that is just so wrong! What are the other Mayors going to say when they hear about this? How will I hold my head up at the next Homeland Security Threat Analysis Round Table? Oh, the humiliation!" he whined.

"Well, I think it will be cute" said an unnamed woman who is likely to have her trash cans 'over looked' on the next garbage pick-up day. "What is wrong with a touching bible-centric story about saving animals, finding love within the family and coming of age under difficult circumstances?" she droned on endlessly. "Maybe that is what this country needs more of - instead of war and guts and aliens hell-bent on our destruction. Give peace and love a chance!" she concluded naively, totally ignoring the outrageous threats, both foreign and domestic, that face this once proud nation while shamelessly glossing over the very real chance of a rip in the space/time continuum that could allow disgusting man/apes to rule us with an iron hand until we outsmart them in the final 15 minutes.

Although the Town has no formal jurisdiction over this event, certain "Friends of Lamont" are keeping the original, touching, tear-inspiring movie under lock and key after rumors spread that the Mayor, for the good of the town and, indeed, the good of the nation, was determined to clandestinely slip another movie in its place before the show started - thus slowing this nation's gradual slide into moral decay. "Well, I heard that he was calling around looking for an original "Planet of the Apes" DVD and even tried to get his hands on the movies "Independence Day" or any one of the "Alien" series. So, we deemed it prudent to lock the thing up until show time. You just never know" said an organizer who is bringing her mother and 4 neighborhood kids from Sprague. "It is Valentine's Day, so having a sweet, touching movie just feels right to me, that's all. I'm really excited" she said foolishly with that vacant "Stepford Wife' look in her overly glossy eyes.