Feb 11, 2009

Local Groundhog Sees Shadow - Predicting Great Engineering Year For Town Of Lamont

In a cherished Lamont tradition that stretches back into our glorious past at least a few years, the now-famous local groundhog, Lamontawney Phil, when coming out of his hole or nook or subterranean chamber or whatever it is that rodents sleep in during the winter, did indeed see the desired shadow that portends another great infrastructure improvement year for the Town of Lamont. "Well, needless to say this is a big deal for us. As many towns shed their traditions like so many snakes discard last year's skin, Lamont might be considered, for lack of a better expression, a bunch of sentimental softies!" said the teary-eyed Mayor between sniffles. "So, time honored events like Groundhog Day mean a lot to us. Needless to say, as we waited in the cold for our groundhog "Phil" to make his appearance (our esteemed Councilman Dale Windsor only had to beat on the ground outside his hole two or three times with his shovel to rouse the lazy thing), it was with a mixture of hope, apprehension and a feeling that we were witnessing something bigger than ourselves."

"So, when 'Lamontawney Phil' came out of his hole and did indeed see the shadow of Dennis Fuller, President of Century West Engineering, (the official Town engineering firm) and good friend to the Town, (everyone knows that that whole 'seeing his own shadow thing' is fake - just like professional wrestling) we just knew that our chances were good to get a grant or some of that Federal stimulus money in the next six weeks" said the Mayor. "I don't know what it is about Dennis or his dadburn shadow, but whenever he is around good things just seem to happen. That stupid groundhog has been right every year since we started keeping records! First we got the water grant, then the road grant - and now who knows" he said.

"But on a serious note, I want to know which town employee left the darn hose out on the new sidewalk (the sidewalk was also done by Century West) and did such a terrible job of cutting the grass in the park. Heads will roll!!" he said peevishly. "And wouldn't you know that that dumb groundhog would make a beeline straight for an outward sign of our town's dysfunction when it was picture time - like last year when he got his picture taken by that garbage can that blew over in the park? Coincidence? I think NOT!!! It just makes us look bad! On some level I can't help but feel that that stupid rodent hates me. Why couldn't he stand by the new flagpole or our new picnic table? Maybe he is upset over that whole shovel banging thing - who knows - but sleeping past 10:00 AM on a workday just seems a little excessive to me! Its not like it is still hibernation season or anything. Rodents!! You just can't trust them - unless they are predicting exciting new engineering opportunities based on a huge influx of Federal dollars, that is" he said.

1 comment:

Ole Varmint said...

I'm just hopin' and prayin' that no one decides to get all smart-alecky on Mr. Phil there and tell him the bad news that he's actually a beaver. He might be dysfunctional, but a rodent, he ain't. As anyone with two cents of schoolin' can tell ya, them whistlepigs are marsupials. Or is that the marmot? Dang it all, I admit it. I slept through biology class, or would've if they'd-a had one. Don't quite recollect now. Oh well. As you were, boys.