Feb 9, 2009

Local Rancher Dismayed To Learn New Prize Bull Just Wants Meaningful Relationship With "That Special Gal" - Thus Rejecting Herd At Large

In a major setback to his herd revitalization plans, an area rancher was discouraged by the realization that his new prize bull, costing well in excess of $22,000 (not including transportation fees), although of excellent lineage and possessing the physical qualities deemed ideal for the Palouse, scores high on the "sentimentality scale" and feels that casual relationships with any old heifer fall well outside his comfort zone and would prefer a setup similar to the hit TV show "The Bachelor" before making any commitments that could lead to the inevitable emotional attachments so common in the animal world.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!! What next?" bellowed the rancher while shaking his fist wildly at the sky. "First, my daughter comes home from college with blue hair, a nose ring and probably any number of tattoos for all I know, the wife is on some yoga kick and feels that feeding the family tofu 4-5 times a week can lead to inner peace and harmony, the cat has taken up using my bathroom slippers as a litter box and now this!!!" he whined. "Who ever heard of a bull who wants to fall in love? That's just wrong! Next thing you know I will be pumping Frank Sinatra music out into the pasture and placing mood candles on the salt lick!! I feel like I am the victim of some kind of voodoo curse or hex or something. It is all so unbelievable!" he exclaimed. "Old Man Jenkins just got a new bull - why can't this sort of thing happen to him and not me? Oh, why is it always me?"

Sadly, the only solutions the rancher has received for this vexing problem came from his loving wife and daughter. The daughter, a literature major at UW, feels that this is a natural by-product of post-industrial turmoil and global warming and suggests adding some 'illegal herbs' to the bull's food (she can talk to her supplier back on campus) while the wife keeps sneaking out at odd hours to clandestinely mix tofu into the feed box in the corral where the bull spends a majority of his time. "I feel I am losing touch with reality here. I really do" mumbled the rancher. "Why does stuff like this always seem to happen to me? Oh, why me?"

1 comment:

No More Soy, Please said...

Even Weird Al Yankovic doesn't know the answer to the question "Why does this always happen to me?"

"I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report about some devastating earthquake in Peru," Al said. "There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive. On the Richter scale it measured 8.2."

Reflecting on the atrocity, Al wondered aloud, "God, please answer me one question. Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this? What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything and now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed."

Yes, my dear rancher, this happens. Why this happens is possibly the result of your resistance to change. Perhaps by using some of your daughter's blue hair dye, (at your age, I'd skip the facial tackle), and trying some yoga with the wife, you could get in touch with your inner "Weird Al". Try substituting the plaid shirt, jeans, and trucker hat you normally wear with some loose fitting clothing in solid pastel colors such as yellow and green, like a huge cob of corn ready to get shucked. Then try a group hug. Just the three of you. Add "ananda" to the end of your last name. Now shock yourself with the electric cattle prod until eating your wife's tofu sounds like a good idea.

Being serious for a moment:
If you knew what damage the soybean ingredients in the products you are already buying are doing to you and your family, it would take a cattle prod to get you to continue to eat them. Read this linked article, then go read the labels on your groceries. You'll be shocked at what you've been eating!