In a bold move sure to leave beagle and Labrador owners wringing their hands in envy and consternation, the Town of Lamont has officially decreed that the cute, feisty, somewhat yappy breed best known for its obvious visual similarity to those "Teddy Bear-looking-things" in the Star Wars movies is now the standard that all other dogs in Town will be judged against. Although often regrettably called the "Norwich Terrier" by snooty, upper crust English types who use cigarette holders, hold their pinkies out when they drink tea and use the word 'darling' all the time (not to mention breeders or anyone who knows anything about dogs), this rough and tumble breed, the Lamontshire Terrier, is well renowned for their affectionate personalities, their propensity for getting stuck in tight spaces (that more often than not require human intervention) as they search for such illusive and wily prey as the common field mouse (an all too common yet unfortunate fixture in the less refined segments of our bustling metropolis) and for their long standing grudge against a vast majority of the world's bird population."Well, every town needs a standard to rally around, and being chronic underachievers, we all decided that we needed a town dog - but contrary to our usual pattern, we did not pick some mongrel mix - but decided to go upscale and choose a dog with such fine qualities as loyalty, spunk, friendliness and a strong team/pack orientation" said the Mayor who only owns cats. "Although many think that we are over reaching by choosing such a refined and prestigious breed, we figured that if we were going to reach for the stars, this was a good place to start. As my grandma always said, 'If you need 5 but want 7 - always ask for 10 or 11" he rambled for no obvious reason. "This was not done to make the Blue Tick hound enthusiasts or the Pomeranian proponents feel crushing levels of inadequacy, but if one does not set the bar high, how are we to grow and expand our horizons?" he said. Although not official, rumor has it that the common "black-eyed pea" is on the short list for the "Official Town Legume" - although the 'chick pea' lobby is laying the groundwork for a startling reversal of conventional wisdom and the status quo.
1 comment:
Those hounds wouldn't have any blue ticks if their owners would just buy some Tick-B-Gone from Festus Martin.
We could probably increase the beauty of Miss Teen Lamont contestants if we fed them more "chick peas". Besides, the Black Eyed Peas are a hip hop group. "Hoe down" means something completely different to them. They don't even have a banjo in their act! What kind of music is that?
Oh, and one final thing: don't let the Ewoks hear you call them teddy bears or they might use their magic on you. Of course, Lamont could use some magic, so go ahead, call them teddy bears! I dare you! Oh wait, you already did. Ok, forget the dare part.
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